Full-House

Not that Danny Tanner shit either. 


I am talking about the tribe that is living under my roof. 


I have been busy, busy, busy, with school, work, homework and well that is pretty much it but shit I haven't even been posting here like I usually do. And who notices? No one. 


Now that I know you fuckers don't give a shit about a missing blogger (That's me) I will continue on with this rant about the madhouse also known as my fucking home. 


Days are starting to blur into each other I swear. So the other night after working 8 hours and going to school for 5 more hours I get home and I see some big ass Tahoe parked in front of my house. 


Shit is that my sister? I thought.


It was that or I was losing my god damn mind. Sure enough it was my sister. 
And her gremlins. All 5 of them, plus my mother, my youngest sister, Derek and my 2 demon children. 


What the fuck? 


Ahem, what the hell is this mess I walked into? Who's house am I at? 
Where is my bottle of wine because I can sure use some now. 


Why did I feel like I walked into a overnight daycare nightmare? 


Turns out my sister is leaving her husband of almost 9 years.
About fucking time you fucking whore bag! I have been waiting for this for such a long ass time. 


Hell yeah you can stay at my house for a few days while you look for an apartment, as long as you don't go back to that short-as-shit-retard-of-a-husband because if you do I swear I will go ape shit on your ass. 


I will be losing my mind trying to figure out how to feed 12 mouths. 
Fuck that...DEREK where are you?


I feel sick thinking about the messes I have to clean. 

Just Dance

We rented "Just Dance" on the Wii. 


It's impressive if can you keep up with the moves. 
I tried and was sweating like I hiked up a fucking mountain in the middle of summer. 


We got it for my 14 year old sister because she supposedly likes to dance, grind, boogie, step however kids her age be dancing. 


Instead I find my almost 50 year old mother dancing her shit off to The Pussycat Dolls – "When I Grow Up" and my 14 year-old sister is sitting on the couch moving just her arms. 


Shit mom! Really? No fucking wonder you had so many kids. You guys should have seen that woman sway to and fro. She had moves people. Real fucking moves. Probably better than mine. 


I walked into the living room and I see her dancing to some weird ass jungle tempo shit having the time of her life. Ass shaking like a motherfucking salt shaker. I would have thought she was having some sort of anxiety attack had I not seen the Wii controller in her hand. 


Mom please don't ever do that shit in public...ever.  


My son also learned all the words to Ke$has "ticky tock" song. 
That bitch... KeSha why don't you shut your stupid trashy mouth up? 
You are creating a monster in my home! 


Thankfully we only rented that game. 
I don't know how much more of my mother's dancing to Ke$ha I could have taken. 
I tried to look away, but at the same time I just had to look and laugh it all off.  


Just dance..my ass, more like "Just sweat your chubby ass on outta here." 


All in good fun people. Buy the game if you need to distract your 50 year old mother. 

Pick of the Day

Check it! 
That's me the first one!!!


Editor's Pick of the motherfucking day.
WHy? I have no clue. Like really. I don't know why. 
But I will accept, thank you Bloggers @ Bloggers.com
That is a lot of blogi. 


Do I look like that? Weird.  


I don't remember why I started using Bloggers. Probably to be a blog whore but no ones counting how many sites that link back to me. (only 5, shhhh ) Yeah no one's counting.

Now I have a few more followers. I am excited and scared at the same time. 


In other news:


Jen asked me to go spray tanning today. 


"What? Fuck no!" was the usual response to any of her questions. 
Crazy bitch. You should know better than to ask my light skinned ass.

I don't like orange. 


It does not look good on me. 


So when I told that wench no she says to me "Thats hilarious!! im gonna buy some from the store and get you drunk, spray you down and take inappropriate pictures of you"


CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! 


Bring on the spray tan, beer and/or vino, jello pit and camera. 


I'll be waiting in my dominatrix outfit.


Over and out people see you on the other side. 

Hair to my Crack

I cut my hair. 

My long beautiful mane thatalmostreachedmyass. My awesome locks, and tufts of baby hairs...chopped. Lopped off with fancy ass scissors. Hacked with a precise hand. 

No longer am I able to look up and have my butt crack tickled with my split ends anymore. It makes me kind of sad. 

That AND the fact that my sister told me I look more Asian than I did before. It's the fucking bangs. 

I didn't walk up to the stylist and say "Chinese please!" all though it looks that way. 

Oh...my hair does not cover my knobs like I said I needed it too either! 

I will have to wait for my hair to grow out before I can do my infamous "Naked in the Dumpster" photo shoot again. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! 

Although I like it. I really do. I look different. It's cute according to my demon children. 

Thanks Jes for hooking me up. 

I am not going to use real names because I don't want to embarrass the person who has the softest lips that I remember and is a fantastic kisser. 

Shit...did I just say that? 

Oops. 

I mean...

I will not blog about that one person who I was infatuated with in high school and still possibly.
This doesn't count right? 

This person will not marry me. Unless I pay them $10,000. And right about now I don't have $10k laying around to be used for a bribed marriage. What a fucking shame. 

Shit I'm doing it again. Okay I'll stop. 

My hair, yes that is what we were talking about not that one person who is still gorgeous after all this time. 

Sheesh, I swear my mind lives in the gutter 11 months of the year. 

My new hair cut gave me the same bullshit at the bar though. 

Jen and I were sitting enjoying our cold beers Saturday night when suddenly a snazzy dressed fella comes up and says the usual "Hi I'm Retard (Not his real name I just didn't care to remember) what's your name?" 

Then proceeds to ask something else that I couldn't understand: 

"What is fkirahj iajfhiobhu jnionhoh?" 

"WHAT?" I yelled over the blaring music.

"I said what ijfnhjbnhjk huhafi jioahgio?" He says

"DUDE I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING" I reply then look at his friend to help out because I could not hear him. 

He gets super close to my ear and says "I asked what background are you?" 

shit.this.again?

What I really wanted to say was "Why would you ask a stranger that, what the fuck is your problem?"

What I really said was "Why would you ask a stranger that, what the fuck is that? Do you go up to strangers all the time and ask them what they are?"

Close enough.

He looked at me like ??? what the ????

Yeah, he didn't. That is what I thought. I was going to try to be nice about it, I forgot I was trying to accept this Asianess. I forgot. So I yelled at him. 

I asked him if people asked him what he was. No? Okay. Point proven, it is fucking rude. 

Oh yeah its purply. My new hair.