I Am How Old?

We had a jug of the cheap wine I love so much called "Lambrusco" you can find it at your local food market for about $6.99 a bottle. More for the bigger one like mine:

                                          Yes I drank half of this bad boy.


This jug of mine had been sitting in the fridge for a few weeks now and being it was a Saturday night and I have absolutly no life I decided to polish the jug off.
While polishing said wine with the biggest wine glass I had, I sat in my backyard looking at the bright ass moon in the nice weather...Why? Because I had nothing better to do I said!
I would have actually have gone to Bevmo and gotten a better bottle of some other favorite red wine, but since this was already home I figured to hell with it I might as well finish it off.


While searching my soul for some goodness (I never found) for some reason my thoughts turned to age.
I questioned myself while I was in tipsy mode "How old am I again?" ...
I sat there in confusion for a few minutes trying to remember how old I was.
Perturbed, I grabbed my phone pulled up the calculator and punched in 1985-2010=25...
Whoa! That must be wrong I thought. So I did it again 1985-2010=25
Hmmm...This piece of shit calculator must be playing some sick ass joke... I could have sworn that I was 23 going on 24.
Okay, one more time 1985-2010=25...
I am how old calculator? 24 you say??..... LIES!!! ALL LIES!!! 
FUCKEN FALSE I tell ya!
Bewildered I got up, went inside and asked Derek how old I was. He gave me the are-you-fucking-crazy look. Then says while laughing "Your going to be 25 why?"
Ohhh shit. I don't even know what age I have been telling people I am if I don't know how old I am myself.
This is bullshit.


Half way out of my twenties? .. Oh man.
How come I don't remember 23 or 24? This is what happens when you got so much going on, you forget how old you are.


Shit. Maybe this is an early indicator that I will have Alzheimer's at like 40 or something.
Fuck you age. My car insurance has gone up about 10 bucks, there is no upside to getting older!
Acting my age is out of the question also.


Let me share a not-so-funny story with you all that has forever me about the whole age phenomena.

*Sidenote-Growing up I wished that I was adopted because I didn't feel like I belonged to my family (still feel that way) and I hoped that someday my real family would come knocking on the door and take me away to a familiar home with people I could relate to.


Growing up you think what your mom and/or dad say is right. Right?
That being said my mom, for the most part gave me birthday parties when I was younger.
Every year another party. I would tell everyone when my birthday was in hopes that they would lavish me with gifts.
When my oldest sister got married I learned that my brother-in-law and I shared birthdays. It was hard not to know when his birthday was as it was mine too! GO September 23rd!
Then my 16th birthday approached.
My 'real' family didn't look for me or even attempt to find me, or so I told myself this.
My birthday came and went. Nothing. No birthday party either. Not even a fucking birthday card! NO birthday wishes. Nothing!
A month later my older sister got a birthday party and even got to wear one of my new shirts that I had just got for myself.
WTF? Oh hell nahhh.
This was when I got the brilliant idea to find my birth certificate and see who my 'real' parents were.
So there I was, while mother was out digging through all of her shit hoping that I did not come across any dirty pictures or sex toys.
There it was like a shiny gold piece waiting for me to read and go out into the world and find those people I resemble.
I open her up and read that my mom is in fact my mom. Disappointment seeped and I fought the tears.
Then...flabbergasted I see that for 16 years my mom and everyone else has been celebrating someone else's birthday, not mine. My mom told me that my birthday was on September 23rd...FOR 16 FUCKING YEARS! When in fact my birthday was September 21st. Bullshit.
Talk about disappointment, my family didnt know my real birthday and they were my real family. Ugh.
You say oh that's not bad it's only a couple of days apart...WELL
Difference is they are two different days fuckhead!


So yeah fuck you birthday and you too age, you can go to hell in a hand basket.

Blackout

I went to happy hour for a beer (or two) last week and as soon as I sat down someone asked me "What is your best drunk (throw-up) moment?"..

To this I gave the most shittiest moment when in fact later on I should have told them about the time I went to the river floating on a tube and try to outdrink a notoriously known jewish drunk.

It was as bad as it sounds. 

Heat+Vodka w/Gatorade+River floating= best Blackout ever! (and the only blackout of my life)

The above picture is not me and friends but merely a picture of what it is like floating, getting burned at the Salt River Recreation.

I just remember drinking that vodkarade in the last leg of the river like it was water for my soul, joking around, floating about, getting tired, experiencing dizziness, feeling sick then looking into my tube and throwing up all over myself. I tried to do it as sneakily as possible with no witnesses. Not sure that worked out. I figured hell, the water will wash it off anyway.

Next thing I know I wake up in my bed. 

What the hell?

What the fuck happened to the rest of my trip?!!!

Not sure. This pisses me off because this could have been one of those stories where shit gets worse and worse and I remember some fragments enough to talk about them later.

No such thing here all I have is drinking, having fun then throwing up and waking up in bed.

Next day of course was the worst hangover ever, I don't even know if you would consider it a hangover if I was still drunk. Ugh. Definitely a I-will-never-drink-again-in-my-life moments. 

Of course when I wake up I freak out because I don't know how the hell I got there or why my legs felt scraped up. I got up and wobbled into the restroom hurting like hell. When I looked down expecting for my shins to be bloodied and scraped I laugh because they are only severely sunburned. Like a hotdog with only  one side burnt, bloated up dog that has been on the burner for a while without supervision, only the tops of my shins were dark and the rest of my legs were darkened ever so slightly.

This prompted me to give some other memorable fragments of other drunken moments in my life.

Enjoy!

1.   Threw up in the bathroom toilet while trying to hover so that I wouldn't touch anything in the strip club bathroom, god knows what kind of shit gets left behind. Ahh was a good birthday..

2.  Thinking my mom's room was the toilet and almost peed on the carpet, Thankfully my sister saved me from this.

3.   Got punched in the face by a gay black man...let's talk about this some other time

4.   Threw up all the sushi I ate in the bathroom sink because I thought it was only a little bit of puke when in fact I filled up the sink, then clogged it up with big chunks of raw fish and rice. Apparently I don't chew my food instead I prefer to swallow it whole. 

5.   Fractured my toe on the tub trying to get in the shower because I thought I was filthy and needed a shower. I had to wear a boot for a few weeks. 

6.   Got mad and yelled at Phil because he didn't want to look at my nipple. Why Phil? 

7.   Thew up in friends front yard then passed out and woke up to find a naked man next to me...I was still fully clothed. (Naked man-Derek) 

8.   Punched Jenny's boobs-HIGH FIVE BITCHES! in: Ohhh San Diego 

There are more that I'm sure people will remind me of later.

So much for becoming a great writer I can't even come up with a great story when asked!

AND that is my best drunken forgotten moment yall.

Breakdown #1

My final for my "math for dummies" class was this last week and if you know me you know I suck at math.
Derek being a genius that he is has been helping me.
When I say Derek is a genius I mean he came from a small town (a very small town) and that is what everyone knows him by is 'the smart guy'.

Anyway about this breakdown. It was not a manic episode (as I am not manic anyway), panting like a wildcat, anxiety attack, finding out my sister slept with a old boyfriend (totally not true as I would rip out her eyelashes piece by piece), breaking my phone, losing my only set of car keys kind of breakdown. This was an illusive one. Totally misleading to my character.

By the way before I continue let me say that I was terribly sick all of last week so please keep in mind that a) I was feeling like shit b) I had the beginnings of the curse and was WAY bloated like a whale and c) I had to cram for the final which was the next day.

So there we were sitting at the kitchen table with papers filled with algebraic equations tossed everywhere.
I had a review sheet of all of the types of problems that were going to be on the final and that is what we were reviewing. Derek starts writing a problem and I can't figure it out. As I do not read or speak gibberish.

REALLY???? This is bullshit. Yeah because some day I might run into a sign that has 5a +5b and in order for me to save the world I will have to hurry and solve the equation. Right. 
Anyway so I had a similar problem and unfortunatly I didn't know where to start or how to even begin. So I start raising my voice (just a little) for him to do it and I will watch and hopefully catch on.
Derek did not agree with this method.
He wanted me to take the reins and do it while he helped me along. Well feeling like shit I was getting a tad irritated because I didn't know the next step. So again I impatiently tell him to do it and I will follow.
He says "No". I say "YES!" He says "You can't learn that way, you have to do it yourself"...
Ahem... Me: "Whattttt?" (while staring at him in my did-you-really-just-tell-me-that look)
At this point I don't know what overcame me but got sooo frustrated, angry, disappointed, depressed and still felt like shit....I was going to blow.
I looked at the scrap of paper at the problem and again I say "I can't doooo thisssss"
Then I felt the tears coming on.

Instead of working through it, I did something I have not done in a long, long time.
I threw a fit. A bad fit. I had reached my FUCK YOU WORLD threshold and grew uneasy.
I grabbed my math book and the papers laying on it and shoved them with all my might off of the table along with the rest of whatever the fuck was on the table. Papers flew everywhere, and I ran away like a little scared damsel. That math problem was my nightmare...an ugly, ugly, disturbing nightmare.
I ran through my bedroom, slammed the door (very dramatically I may add), crossed into the bathroom crawled into my closet and sat against the door while crying, big hard sobs.
wtf?
I have no idea where this monster came from, but I did not like this bitch.
Pms? DAYUUM. Major problem.
I is crazy. Out-of-control!

Of course 15 minutes pass before I shot most of my snot into the first piece of clothing I could find and Derek comes knocking on the door.
By then I kicked the monsters ass and felt a little better.

I felt like a complete asshole.
After all Derek was just trying to help.

Fuck now I have to make it up with something or other.

The Lion King

Derek has been talking about getting The Lion King (LK) for 3 years now.

Saying shit like "We really need to get it" , "Baby D will love this movie", "This will distract the kids while we get it on", "I love that movie, so would Baby D"...and so on and so forth.

*Spoiler Alert/Side note*  - This is an awesome movie and if you didn't cry when Simba lost Mufasa then you are one weak ass bitch! I have never in my life wanted to kick a wild cat so bad, then there was Scar! Damn you Scar, you are one mean asshole. And don't you dare get me started on those barbarian hyenas. 

This brings me to pet peeve #20- Talking about doing something instead of shutting up and doing it.

Me: In bed the other night I got on my phone and with the magic-ness of the internet and my (was cool when it came out) phone click on my Amazon app, typed in Lion King, checked my options and with one click, guess what people? The Lion King is on it's way to my house! Hells yeah...Lion King party at my house! 
While browsing for the best priced LK, get this...they had VHS as an option to buy! HAHAHA
what? 
Who the fuck buy, sells or watches VHS movies? 
And you better say something like your grandma hasn't switched to the digital age yet, because if you are on the net there is no reason why you haven't upgraded to Dvd's or HD. (which is the only way to watch movies now-a-days) 
I don't even think stores carry these obsolete objects.  
Please do away with these bulky ass "tapes"! PLEASE! 

So there my fellow comrades another instance of getting shit done. No need to chit chat, just get it done!

My problem with these awesome Disney movies is that you can't just get out of bed and go to Target and get these movies right away if you wanted. You have to wait for the 'vault' to open and for a limited time get the movies that are hopefully not sold out before you stop procrastinating and finally get to a store near you.

WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS?

Was it you Walt? I outta kick your ass. I would to if you weren't frozen in your cryonic chamber.

(Yes I realize this is a myth, but let me think that someday Walt will be unfrozen and come up with more genius characters because people now a days are so unoriginal) 
Okay so you can go online and find them, BUT I have already stated my theory on becoming one of those people who gives my credit card number to some crack smoking fiend in Chicago in exchange for some boot leg version of the movie I wanted. I get nervous. I want my identity to stay with me and only me. 

One more problem with Disney, how come the popular Netflix doesn't have Pocahontas or The Little Mermaid when I want to watch it? This is bullshit! BULLSHIT I TELL YA!

Don't worry Netflix I still love you.

Artist in the Making

My little cha-cha daughter will be 8 this month.
Next week to be exact.
I always (without fail) get the HUH? wtf?... look when someone finds out my little baby faced self has a child that old.
The usual responses are:

• Really? How old were you? Answer to this is usually "Yes, really. I was young, still am."
• Is it weird to have a daughter that old? No I am used to it now. 
• Do you have any other kids? Yes (but thinking "What are you insinuating?")
• Does she stay with you? Umm yea

 I'm a pretty capable person. As I have mentioned before work full time, go to school part time,care for 2 (3 including my little sister) kids and a house, shiiiiiit. As I snap my fingers in a cross motion.

 My daughter happens to be very artistic. She is really good! When I see her art I am so proud that she makes up for her bad grades by using her artful skills to show the rest of the kids in her class that a bunny should not look like a pile of mashed potatoes but instead have fluffy fur, a cute tail and lots of detail.

I think that maybe her teacher (who looked waaaay to young to be be teaching) was questioning my profession with a certain picture my monster drew in class all though she never inquired about it.

What is this?? A hooker possibly getting picked up from the corner? A nice lady just waving at a limo because maybe, just maybe her favorite celebrity might be in there?
I really don't know what Monster was trying to say with this drawing. All I know is that this streetwalker sure loves her some fishnets and high heels. Gotta love that tiny waist.
Or maybe the lady was telling the car to stop because it was going to run into a giant wedding cake.....
Who knows?
This is not the first time I have seen streetwalkers in her drawings, she seems to have a knack for drawing fishnets and high heels.
I have tons of high heels but do not own any fishnets so I really don't know where that comes from.


What do you make of this?


After sifting through the many art pieces by monster (this is her nick-name by the way, just in case you thought  I was a nut job and actually named my daughter that) I realized that she has tons of drawings that can be interpreted in different ways.


I have officially decided to dedicate a whole page to her creative masterpieces. I will be posting weekly or so a picture and you can translate it how you please.
Please look forward to a page filled with imagination!


P.S. I have been sick and need me some picker upper on my blog, thanks Monster momma loves you, even though I found those two earrings that you shop lifted while you were with me and I didnt find out until I started cleaning your room and then you lied to me about where you got them and cried even though I didn't punish you. I have finally found the solution since I don't know what store you got them from and I can't force you to take them back and apologize if I don't know what store they came from SO for a whole day you will wear a sandwich board which reads: I STOLE 2 PAIRS OF EARRINGS, THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT. Love you honey. Smiles and kisses.

And that folks is how I handle shit at home! Sandwich boards are going to be all the rage with punishing kids just mark my words! HAHAHAHA

Baby Daddy

Whoever said that baby momma "drama" is only excluded to the momma? 
I make shit simple, baby daddy on the other hand is a total mess. 
Here is a case in point.
Problem (well not really a problem until BD created one) - Derek wanted to take the kids to the water park, while I was at work.
Solution - Derek picks up monster and goes to water park with both children. 


Simple right? 
No. 
It was not simple.
Since my baby daddy does not have a phone (or a job for that matter) we have to instant message. 
Do you know how hard it is to get your point across without tones usage? You only have this or THIS and sometimes THIS is only supposed to mean THIS but for some reason they treat it like THIS or something like that. Anyway.
Here is how our complicated matter went.


Me:

Can you get Monster ready to go swimming and put an extra pair of clothes with her Derek is going to get her in a few
(After several minutes pass by) 

HELLO????

Fatherofsaidchild:

yeah thats fine..where is Monster going??

Me:

Water park with Derek, Peter, Kids and her baby brother.

I am working but Derek is going with his friends and his kids, Monster knows them.

Fatherofsaidchild:

She wants to know if your going? whats peter kids??

Me:

Im not I have to work. Peter, Rebecca, pj, Madison and Casey are Peters kids.

Sorry Rebecca is Peter's wife not kid.

Fatherofsaidchild:

Idk i kinda feel uncomfortable with Monster going to the water park cuz she doesnt know how to swim yet...

Me:

She will be fine. Derek will be with them the whole time.

Fatherofsaidchild:

Are you meeting up with Monster later or you'll see her when you go home?

Me:

Ill see her when she gets home from the waterpark, I have finals next week I have to study for.

Fatherofsaidchild:

What time will she be home(your house)

Me:

Don't worry Baby D does not know how to swim either.

I dont know why do you ask me questions I cant possibly know?

Fatherofsaidchild:

Becuz i am her father and i need to know everything when it comes to her..

Im over protective with her, will she be fed?

Me:

I assume Derek might feed her, he doesnt like to starve the children. I know you are her father I am VERY aware of that unfortunate information. You need not to worry Derek is one of the most capable men I have ever met.

Fatherofsaidchild:

I would feel alot better knowing you are going to be with genavive at the park.

Me:

If you have $25 you can go to if you are so worried. Up to you im sure Derek wont mind you tagging along.

Fatherofsaidchild:

If im going to do that id rather go with her alone.

Me:

Then quit asking I told you 1) I am not going I have a job 2) If you are worried then go yourself ...There is nothing else to say other than get my daughter ready so that my capable hubby can get her. (How nice is Derek thinking about her when he didnt have to take her in the first place, just saying)

See how fucking hard was that baby daddy? Shit.
I swear that man knows how to push my buttons.
I was messaging utilizing two of my messengers.
This was to my honey while communicating with baby Daddy:

me: He said he is uncomfortable because she doesnt know how to swim.
derek: neither does baby D
me: No shit?
derek: You tell him that there is a playground area that they will most likely be and that they are required to wear floaties in the pool
derek: Tel him he can go to. 25 bucks though

derek: So do i take her? If hes so concerned?
me: take her, he is just being a little bitch.
I outta punch him in his vagina!
AND this is not about his feelings, I sure don't give a shit..Monster will have a great time I am sure.

Sweet baby Jesus. Ugh. What a pain. Not only do I have to control my urge to curse up a storm via Yahoo messenger, I have to translate his poor grammar into English. You know what they say about Virgo's, and its true for the most part. Oh the thing they say is that Virgo's are perfectionists. HOT DAMN! 
   
A THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF MY DAUGHTER AND TAKING HER TO THE WATERPARK would have been swell.
I must ask for way to much sometimes!

Oooooh San Diego..

San Diego, you sure know how to disappoint.


This was a relaxing, no hassle trip mind you. BUT the people there were weird as fuck!
Being from Arizona you get a mix, but not a crazy mix like San Diego does.
Not only were 92% of people we met or saw or talked to unattractive they were all foreign.
I mean straight out the ship, can barely speak the language here, brought over all the customs they could muster along with their friends and whole families.


We found our way to the grand DoubleTree hotel in downtown SD...where we have never before encountered parking as such. It was the smallest narrowest parking structure I have ever came across.
See illustration no. 1 (this is in no way an exaggeration)

                                                        Entering garage...not so easy
Illustration no. 2

We felt like we were on a game show to see who could manage to park in such tiny spots for a prize of not scratching up your car.


We take our asses on to the Gaslamp district were we encounter weirdos of all makes and models. We were not dressed for occasion but decide to pop into a bar anyway. We get some brew and head out to the patio area to see strangers pass us by. That's where we met stalker of the month: Scottie.
By-the-way this is his real name since there is no need to change it because if you ever come across a Scottie in San Diego the chances of him being a crazy psycho are pretty large...good luck with that.


The most bizarre thing that happened on our trip involves Jenny's stalker of the month Scottie, well that and the fat lady who forgot that there was a slit on the backside of her skirt and had half of her ass literally hanging out AND the fact that I almost died by chomping and almost choking on a piece of wire that was in my shrimp scampi (from the Marble Room) which was free, but still.


So back to stalker...
Strike one came first night we met him. After sitting in the patio area and drinking he intoduces himself, he was there with a bunch of gay guys. (weird?...maybe let's give him a chance) After a while we went off to the loo to empty our piss bags then stopped by the bar to get more drinks and as soon as we turn around to go back to the patio stalker Scottie was there with drinks that he so graciously bought for us while we were away. How nice. Right?
Well he thought since we got our own shit there was no longer a need to supply so even though he bought the drinks for us he ends up drinking all 3 of the drinks he got.
Why the fuck you gonna tell us that those were for us then drink them?? I don't understand.
I don't know what the hell that was about, whatever it was weird is all. I'm not bitter, even though he was such a indian giver with our beers.
Scottie and Jen exchanged info, including FB info....which I am very cautious about because of some issues.


Strike two immediately came when he sent Jenny a text early the next morning. That just screams RED FLAG all over! Dude you just met, it hasn't even been a whole 20 hours!

Strike three was the one that finally had us laughing while driving back home from Cali.
So there we were in the Gaslamp area once more on Saturday night. Another bar. Some Asian buying us Heineken (EWW). Small Asian telling us "Oh, you fancy huh??!!" every five minutes. group of three guys talking our ears off. Me punching Jens boobs. Acting like we were lesbians so uglies would leave us alone. Jen making out with a guy that had a HUGE mole on his face. have flowers bought for us. Me acting mad. leaving. go to another bar to use the toilet. realizing it smelled like ass before leaving bar. left bar. met up with Scottie. took cab to lesbian bar. lesbian bar closed. went to store to get beer. back to Doubletree. up to the 17th floor.....that's when the magic happened people.


Let me explain something before hand. When intoxicated I tend to be a total bitch who can care less if she hurt your feelings especially if I don't know you. That is what happened here.


Scottie then comes out of his thin shell and starts talking about no one other than himself. Not a surprise at all.


Let's quickly go back to Friday when we first met this sweet gentleman. He tells Jen and I little about himself. He tells us that he works as a server/bartender (bartender probably meaning he get's drinks from a person that actually makes these concoctions and serves them) doesn't matter though, it doesn't seem like the best job in the world. He include tiny tidbits that were especially unimportant like his age, area he lives in...yada yada blah, blah...


Back in the room he starts going on a long ass tangent about how he went to Stanford University and is very educated, he was a minor celebrity (we will come to this), how being bi-racial was SOOOO hard for him growing up, that his best friend is gay, he got several awards for his singing, had a great album out, was on tv "so many times it is ridiculous" and all this other bullshit we honestly didn't give two shits about hearing.


I don't even know why he was there to be honest. One he wasn't attractive, wasn't ugly but definitely not the best looking brotha we have met. Two he was a bit off from the beginning. Three he was boring.


I start asking him about this so-called album, he said the name and it was just some silly college contest he and his singing buddies won. Way to go. His Stanford education was the biggest accomplishment for a bi-racial kid for his time. (He is 30) He talked mostly about Stanford and his celebrity-ness.


Then he tells me about his bff being gay I asked him what any slightly drunk bitch would have.


Me: Did he ever try to hook-up with you?
Stalker: I wouldn't call that try, if I was a girl it would be worse than rape!
Me: Anddd you are still friends with him? 
Stalker: Yeah...
Me: (Questioning him silently....) ????? Eyebrows raise....head slightly turns to the side


Meanwhile Jen is to busy texting on her phone to pay attention at what happens next.


Stalker: Well we can relate to each other, we are both bi-racial...
I cut in before the chance is gone
Me: AND GAY!!....BWAHAHAHAHAHA


He then proceeds to go off on me yelling about how he always gets that shit from people and that he is sick and tired of people saying things like that.
Because GOD FORBID someone call you gay when you hang out with gay people AND have a gay best friend that attempted to rape you!
He finally settled down around 3:30 a.m. by that time I was falling asleep and desperately wanted him to get the fuck out of our room.


I acted as if I was out so that Jen could handle his hot-headed ass. When he finally managed to leave with our box of beer he apparently told Jen with a newly purchased box of Magnums held high in his hand that he would have "Rocked her world!!!!!"...
Oh snap!


I just didn't get how an intellectual being that went to the snazzy Stanford University end up a server, drives an old beat up Mercedes, has no girlfriend and does not get the hint to leave when not wanted. Explain, someone ANYONE!


Jen deleted him from her FaceBook and I hope that is the end of Stalker boy no. 4
Sorry Jen. Maybe next time?
I made something for you too :

HAHAHAHAHA
FUCK YOU SCOTTIE!


Update: This is a slightly better version of what happened Saturday night with Scottie. Brought to you by JB.


After realizing that this low rent Drake wannabe was not going to come out of the closet nor leave our room any time soon, I decided to pretend I had just passed out. You can only take so much of listening to a stranger relive his college glory years or try to sell you on how not gay his pole smoking ass is. Come to think of it, I should have pulled this move hours ago, damn!  I was curious to see how Jen would deal with this confused mess anyways, I mean she is the expert when it comes to dealing with damaged goods. After finally bribing stalker Scottie to leave by offering up our box of beer, this turd burglar prances out the front door, pulls out his best friends box of Magnums, hoists them in the air while declaring that he "would have rocked her world!!!!"  
Stay classy San Diego.




Chow!

Phoenix We Have a Problem

Being single sounds so much fun. Not that I miss it or anything.
Because why should having sex with complete strangers or having a nice comfy bed alone, eating out as you please, cleaning your own mess, be any better than having someone who I am at home with?

Enough about me.

This one is for you Jenny babe.
I have figured out what has happened in your life.....the extent of your dry spell. (She needs someone to scratch the itch she has...wink, wink)
Let me explain to those who have no idea how hard it is for my hottie friend to find a 'date'.
Jen attracts the un-date-able men who happen to also have symptoms of bi-polar-ness, some forms of OCD, tend to be control freaks, stalkerish, sometimes are delusional, borderline anti-social, narcissistic, egotistic, manic, imbeciles, dim-witted (unintelligent), super cheap or have some sort of psychological or behavioral problems.
Okay not all of them are...but about 99.8% of them are. The rest of the tiny almost nonexistent percentage is rarely known to woman, so the chances of finding someone who has no problems are like a fictional character with no flaws, perfect teeth, muscles, hair, and all of the above. We know this is not what it is like in reality.

We go out from time to time and again did I mention that she is smoking hot? Well if I forgot...she is hot.
Okay enough of her hotness, she is also very big-hearted, she is smart, has goals, has a great job, has her own car and teeth.

                   Hope she doesn't kill me for posting her pic..she is on the far right, my beautiful bitch!

When we talk about getting laid, she tells me about not getting any (insert dirty word for penis here).....(silence) ....Yeah I know, RIGHT!
What the fuck is wrong with people?
Phoenix...does the heat make all men mad? Because there seem to be little quality men here. That I consider to be a problem.
Back to where I said we go out from time to time, when we got there is a high probability that at least 4 guys will hit on her in 4 hour period.
Yea...but these guys are not the kind of guys that she dates. We are talking about guys that have to get their liquid courage to step up to say "Dammmnnnn! Whats your name?" Oh god...what about when they call her shorty...wtf is up with that?
Sorry this is not 8th grade this is the REAL WORLD at a bar where you must be 21 and this tall to drink and speak.
The sorts that hit on Jen:

• Short ... I mean real short, shorter than Jen's tiny 5'2 frame - You should have drank that milk son! 
• Dumb... talking with the bad-boy dialect (No wha imm sayin shorty) or just stupid in general, you should have at least finished grade school.
• Negative rejects...this is no fun for either party
• Guys who don't know when to shut the fuck up, and don't get the hint when she does not want to talk to you. 
• Guys who might have been gay in their past-life, or last year...she does not want a man more girly than her
• Mouthbreathers... nuff said
• Lack of humor...we are funny and expect you to be.
• Aggressive men who want to dance and grind away when they just met her...you remember this shit Jen..hahaha I thought you guys were going to catch fire with all that friction on the dance floor. 

The list can go on for infinity, this is just a small taste of the men that hit on Jenny baby. 

To solve this problem I think we ladies need to do something a little different, say go to a new different bar. 

Or just go in search of some hunky babe, instead of waiting for more losers to hit on you. We shall seek him or her out and conquer that shit! 

We will test this out this weekend when we get to San Diego. Some magic will happen I'm sure. 

Don't doubt me Jen, we will get you some in some form or other. 

I will find you a disposable thing when we go out, that way you don't have to worry about the stalker tenancies afterward.

PEOPLE- Let me mention she isn't that picky, she just does not want a bottom of the barrel kind of person.
I don't want that for her either. She is not looking for a flawless person, just a normal human being, is that asking for to much?!! No defective guys/girls allowed..this will be our club name..haha.

Sorry Jen, Derek is that man but as you know he is mine. I don't think you like them old anyways. ;)

Watch out San Diego, because here we come!

One of Them

Have I ever mentioned that I despise WM?
You lower class class citizens know what this acronym stands for in your community...
No its not Waste Management or Windows Media
That's right you impoverished fucks...it stands for Wal-Mart.

Someone recently told me to go to Wal-Mart to get something for something that I needed, not like that matters right now (hence the non-descript word) but I have mentioned before that Wal-Mart fucking sucks.
Yes I have two sisters that work there, that is BESIDES the point. Fuck WM, Fuck the people of WM. Fuck the parking lot of WM, fuck it all.
Its not like we have a ton of $ lying around to be buying high end vegetables or anything, but I have done my investigating on the monster corporation and have concluded my report with: Wal-Mart is one big fucking mess that needs to be destroyed.

Only and if only I am in dire desperation will I make an appearance to this unhappy store. With its harsh lighting, cheap clothing, horrible fruit selections, crazy layouts, and even crazier customers.

I have visited the site www.peopleofwalmart.com, and that just speaks volumes of the kinds of people I do not like to associate myself with. If you have never visited this site, let me forewarn you now...you might spot a cousin or two from your family. Just kidding, not all of my 3 readers are trashy...maybe just one of you. 
I have been there and let me tell you it is tough to get a fat bitch away from the cereal box section and all you want to do is to grab a box and toss in your basket, but that's not going to happen because people like to block the section then select 15 boxes of cereal because 1 or 2 is definitely not enough.
I know best to not stand in the way of a big woman and her food. I'm not big my self I might get a thigh chewed off.

This is horrible and I will probably go to hell for it but oh well.
When my mom would go to WM to shop I remember that I used to tease and laugh at people there. (That's what makes ppl of WM sooo funny, because its so true)
Y'all know what I am talking about, the ladies that get dolled up just in case they find their prince charming there...hint hint ladies, Prince Charming does not hang around, solicit and does not, I REPEAT DOES NOT shop at WM. You will not find him there.
I understand you can buy almost anything there with the exception of a few items say a Russian bride or a bathing ape. Let's just slowly step away from WM and go to other stores i'm telling you WM is not the option!
I personally don't hang out at WM, I hate being there at all.

So tell me before I continue, why is it when you hate something soooo bad Karma laughs and makes it happen to you?
For instance: My ex friend's mom brutally hated a gay friend of his son, maybe gays in general but really hated this one in particular. Then a year later her son ended up with his dick in a guys mouth...haha making momma proud, or the time when another friend's mom hated black people alot and her daughter ended up with a black man. I see shit like this happen all of the time.

Back to where I was...
I have pointed, stared and laughed at most people and while sometimes I just feel bad for them I can't help it. They dress themselves and plaster on the makeup themselves so why feel bad? Right?
AS much as I hate WM and the people of WM...my older sister that works at WM has become 'one of them'.
Yes one of them who takes two hours to take a shower, spray on the Aquanet and mousse to scrunch the hair, trim your mustache, shape the eyebrows with the sharpie, cover the blemishes with that cover-up, affix the bright blue loreal eyeshadow, curl the lashes but skip on the mascara, make sure you have the sexiest underwear you can find on, locate your newly bought clothes and clothe yourself...all to do a 10 minute grocery run to WM.

I just don't get it. Okay so maybe it would be like me to freshen the face if I know I am going to...no I don't get ready unless I am going out, or work but I can go without makeup as I did just last month. I went a week without wearing any makeup, just brushed up my eyebrows (one of my best features) and chap stick, didn't even bother with mascara.

Sorry older sister, I love you but I am going to have to ask you nicely to fucking stop getting ready to go to WM, you are married.

Smelly-Ass Shoes

Listen, I have a dilemma. 


I have this cute pair of flats by Rocket Dog and the other day I wore them for a little while and after taking them off...my feet smelled like they were in the process of becoming decomposed. 

                                                           -Aren't these puppies cute?- 
If you don't know what that smells like kiddos you need to meet my mothers husband. 
He has the worst foot odor in the world. Trust me there is no contest there. 
He used to get home and take off his shoes, and I kid you not the smell was so pungent that you could literally feel it hit the back of your throat and spew out of your eye sockets. 

Sick, I know. I feel sick thinking about it.
I should stop thinking about it now. Really stop it Rox.

I recall posting the subject of my affection (other than my precious family), shoes recently. I love shoes.
Just this morning getting into my car I realized that there are 3 pairs of shoes in the front seat, why?
I'm not sure. I may need them later?

Ok so back to my dilemma. After the acrid odor from my feet hit me I realized 'I might have to retire these shoes'. Suddenly feeling sick again.
They aren't used up (that much) and just because they are grey/black where my feet are placed in them does not mean that they are no longer wearable (almost).
If I wear them you can't tell from the outside. Maybe I am just crazy. They don't need to be tossed out like a bag of trash.
I could:

A: Wash them, really good
B: Put some foot powder in them
C: Use them as river flats
D: Wear them till they bust at the seams
E: Let them sit in my closet by the older shoes and wear only when deemed necessary

So many choices.

These shoes are less than a year old, but for some reason I thought they were the perfect pair of flats to wear with everything. Perfect for regular jeans, shorts, half pants, dresses, hell even no clothes.
I wear them everywhere....in the hot ass desert, in the mall, in the grocery store, backyard, at work, pshhh wherever the hell I please. These are just those kind of shoes that you can do that to. 

(Maybe this is why I am in this jam...damn you Arizona heat!) 

I try to work it out where I have the shoes on and whenever I get the chance to pull my feet out to let them breathe a little I do, then slip them back on. 

Now that I think of it there were a few times to many when I put them back on and they were a bit saturated. fuck. Should have air dried them! 

Oh let me mention this before you get the wrong impression, I do NOT have smelly ass feet, I am not a  sweaty kind of person, nor do I have fungus feet or the like. 

I have beautiful feet. Pedicures whenever I can. Yes my feet get dry sometimes, but I try to care for my feet the best I can. I try to keep them looking their best whenever I have on open toed shoes. And open toed shoes are the best, they let my beautiful toes breathe and be seen. 

LOOK IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, then fuck you. 

And fuck all this shit I am keeping the smelly shoes.