Shmore Dranking

As I write this morning I feel tired and semi-sick thinking about all of the boozing that was done over the weekend. 


Great thing about that is I got it out of my system. The smell of anything resembling alcohol is repulsive right now. I'm going to give it about 6 days then I will be back on the "I need to get fucked up" routine again. But for now lets keep it at "Ugh, no more".


Here is the rundown of my fantastic alcohol induced weekend.


Friday
6:30 p.m. After work drank with the girls at some bar close to home
6:50 p.m. A shot of Patron is introduced to me <---Very nice young man by the way
7:15 p.m. On second beer of the night
7:35 p.m. Another shot of Patron joins the party<---This one gave my 'The eye' 
8:00 p.m. I'm blitzed

                       (Yes I am wearing my lucky polka dot dress, I also have other clothes I swear don't think I wear this every time I go out because I don't usually) 
8:30 p.m. Get a call from my old boss - First thing he asked was "How many cocktails have you had so far?"- He knows me to well.  Have awkward conversation about a dream I had about him the night before and probably some other things I should not have been talking about. Damn Patron.
9:00 p.m. Dance with some chick who had features of a crack head who happened to be a former heroin addict. (Who knew?) Nothing gets around me even when i'm drunk. 

SHHH...... THATS HER with Jen. 


Sometime around 10 p.m. Jen drives my inebriated ass home. 

Here are those small drunken eyes, so you know I am done drinking (for at least another hour) 


11:30 p.m. Go to Peter Piper Pizza for some charity thing. At this point I realize that I am drunk at Peter Piper Pizza yall. 
wtf? This was too weird even for me. 
Alot of nothing in between. 
3 a.m. Watching Derek play poker hoping to go home as my alcohol delirium is crashing and burning.
4 a.m. Still waiting for Derek to hurry the fuck up so I can go home and shit the pizza I just ate. 
4:30 a.m. Make it home just in time for me to relieve my stomach cramps and get some shut eye. 


Saturday
Friend Jacob's birthday.

Happy Birthday old man!

                        Birthday boy and his bro

                                        This is 'before' getting there.... I don't know what the fuck that stupid ass smile is about so ignore it as much as you possibly can. 


Nothing significant happened during the day.
9:00 p.m. Decide after a lot of brooding that I was going to get lush. I got ready, changed about  15 fucking times. I am horrible for choosing going out attire. 
9:15 p.m. Drive by myself to Scottsdale (Ugh I know) 
9:45 p.m. Get to my destination where "Girls gone Wold" was playing on the t.v., take a pre-game shot of some weird ass concoction made by one of the guys. 
10 p.m. Pat decides to make some coffee with a giant splash of Vodka. I wanted no part in this vodkacoffee. I happily decline this hot drink because coffee and beer or any type of alcohol do not mix well in my system for partying. Bar bathrooms are not the place to take shits. I did not want to be caught white knuckling the porcelain throne because someone needed to vomit all the martinis she couldn't handle. 
11:30 p.m. Drinking, dancing and being merry.
Midnight Make fun of some semi-passed out guy
                                     
1:30 a.m. Talking to some drunk chick about guys talking about buying her drinks and not following through. She was a sloot by the way, she was not attractive either. She grabbed my phone and tried to get some guys number because she "lost" her phone. (This detail comes up few hours later) 
1:45 a.m. Am being confided with information only a drunk guy will talk about. It was like roles exchanged, I saw pictures of naked girls on cell phone. (I can't fully remember the details of this) 
2:05 a.m. Stumble my ass out of the club with friends hoping someone would just hand me a pair of slippers as my feet were burning and I just wanted to punch all of the Scottsdale sloots and die. 
3:45 a.m. Driving thru McDonald's for a healthy dosage of Fillet 'o fish and fries. I was in the drive thru when some idiots who put their empty Bud Light cans on the ledge of Mickey Dees building decided to harass me...
                                               
They were lucky they didn't get out of the car because my knife and I were intently waiting. No worries nobody got castrated. 

3:55 a.m. Get a call from some dude. Then remember it was that one guy who didn't buy the drunk sloot a drink then have to break it down for him. I give him the fast facts-
A: She did not want to hook up 
B: I did not want to hook up 
C: Fuck off 
Then hung up on him. 
4 something a.m. I get home and fall asleep fast. 


This is what my weekend consisted of. Very fun. Now I feel like a giant lazy piece of useless body. I am just glad that there was no vomit at all involved. 


Patron said he wanted to see me again this weekend. I am going to have to tell that fucker to quit bugging me. I will see him when I see him.

Olfactory Fail

I came back from smoking stinking like a homeward bound hippy and sat at my desk. 
I realize that there are some clients about to come in so to mask the smell of my hippyness I hastily throw on some of my pretty smelling lotion. 


About 10 minutes later one of the people I work with comes around the corner, sniffs loudly and says "What is that smell?" I stare in confusion. She sniffs again and says "It smells like Raid or something"....
What!!!!?? 
I smell like a fucking pest control truck now? 
Fuck that! 
Someone else told me that this lotion actually smelled wonderful. Now I smell like Raid! 


WTF. FAIL. 


Thanks to this woman's fantastic olfactory sense I will have to find something else to hide my poisonous addiction. Fucking great.  


I hate going out in the heat only to come back and smelling like sweat, it is a very distinguished kind of smell. I actually like smelling like a whore. I came to work smelling like a whore just the other day. What does a whore smell like you ask? Ummmm I don't know BUT I do know that I have smelled like one before.


My house smelled like ointment last night. Like an old folks home. Not a sexy smell at all. 


I remember when we were looking at houses. I was close to adding some more putrid liquids to the carpet that must have had every possible corner drenched with pee. It smelled strongly like dog and urine, mostly urine.  I am feeling sick thinking about this. Lets move on. 

I am trying to talk my friend into smelling like "Horny Slut" but we cannot find the combination to create this scent...only if I had Paris Hilton's number...


We need to create a line of perfumes and perhaps colognes with great names like: 


"Shy but wanna do tha nasty" - This, I would obviously be using alot of
"Slut" - For those college floozies  
"Horny Housewife" - Because there are plenty
"Douchebag" - Wait there is already a scent that goes by Ed Hardy, let me rethink this one
"Do Me Already" - This would be one of those scents that you will be on the prowl for, this would be female version of Aqua Di Gio..mmmm. 
"Asshole" - This would be the equivalent to Ed Hardy but you would smell more of an asshole
"Bitch" - This would be perfect for those menstrual days...know what im sayin
"Tramp" - For the nights you go out to Scottsdale or the Westside
"Cougar" - For the older ladies on the prowl
"Dick" - This would obviously be a cologne and you would smell like most of my ex-boyfriends


There are plenty name that would be used for my future line. 


Bad names and scents:


"Crackhead" - I have smelled one before and this is not at all pretty
"Dotted Indian" - No offence but this would smell like you showered in pure curry
"Foreigner" - Smell like you are all natural (emphasis on natural) 
"Shit" - Who likes to smell like shit? Shit stinks. I hate the smell of shit. 
"Wasted" - Most likely smell like a combination of cheap perfume, cigarettes and puke. 


You get the fucking point. 
P.S. - Don't go stealing my genius idea for perfumes/colognes. Ill find you. And tase you. 


SO who wants to smell like "whore" this weekend? 







"

Chocolate Bits

Sometimes I skip out on the most important meal of the day. Which happens to be my favorite for dinner. Yes, breakfast. 

Then by 10:30 a.m. my stomach starts feeling like it is rotting from the inside out. It starts to make loud fart noises, which sucks because its not a fart and I don't know how to explain a fart sound that isn't a fart to someone passing by. "Ohh I'm just hungry is all, that's what that noise was...I SWEAR!"


Finally when lunchtime hits I sit at my desk wondering where the fuck I am going to eat while my stomach churns and I get more queasy. 
I get sick. Really sick if I don't eat. That and really pissy. You do not want to talk or even look at me when I do not have anything in my belly. Rox is not nice. 
DO NOT FUCK WITH HER. She might eat you alive.


Same goes with mornings. I am not a morning person. When you have those two combinations...ooohhh boy you better have on your protective gear.
I am mean. Mean and hungry.


I do buy Fiber Ones  breakfast bars and sometimes, just sometimes I eat them. There is only one problem when I am munching on these edibles. It contains chocolate which makes it that much better. Only when I eat them chocolate bits fall onto my chair and dissolve magically and get on my pants. Chocolate does NOT come off.
I have a orange chair I sit on and it looks like shit speckled on where I sit. Not attractive.
I really try to put my hand underneath when I bite out of my breakfast bar but for some reason they still find their way onto my fucking chair. ALWAYS! 
Now I have several pairs of pants that have small chocolate smears that do not come off in the laundry.


Fuck you chocolate bits on my pants and chair.
This stuff gets everywhere! On my chair, pants (not just the ass of my pants either I am talking about in between my legs pants), my keyboard, my desk, even on the stupid mouse pad.
How does one explain that it is chocolate on their pants and not shit?
I am still trying to come up with something.


Speaking of shit on the pants I am going to say something about shit in the pants.


One time my cousin shit his pants because the bathroom at the park was locked with padlock  and a boy that was with us came over and took a big whiff and said "Mmm it smells like barbecue out here" 


I don't know why this boy mistakenly thought shit smelled like barbecue but to me it smelled like shit.

Ragdoll Rox

While reading my fellow awesome bloggers blogs kick-ass Sara Swears Alot was doing a contest of sorts...this contest had me thinking and I realize that I have a lot of awkward sexual experiences. (I did not win this time, boo I know.)


Haha. Even though I gave her one of the many..you will have to go over to read it.
 There is one "experience" that will stand out above the rest. 
It was will this fella named Ray ..yea lets call him Ray. 
So I met this Ray at a bar (trashy I know) first thing I noticed was his muscley arms which were easy on the eyes. My judgment might have been a bit clouded with consumption but that doesn't matter at this point.  


I called it. I said while pointing "I will have that please". Sure enough next time I saw him. Done and done!


On this night I was looking pretty cute, not slutty probably because my slut clothing was dirty or something. So there I was looking cute in my shorts, hair dancing in the wind, eyeshadow glimmering like a disco ball and lips that were...well they just were. 


Several drinks were devoured and out came the batty eyelashes. Next thing I know I am being invited to his place. Can you say "Score!"


Off in to the early morning I went. There was a mission to be accomplished here people. I was going to get some from this cutie with the hunky arms. 
It started out slow. We sat around his room for a bit. I was starting to become very impatient. 

Well we finally got down to the fun part. Unfortunately there was no foreplay. At all. That sucked.
Then he grabs me like I was a fucking ragdoll and starts throwing me around. Up and down, sideways, tossing me aside like a dirty shirt, flipping, twirling, like a fucking hamburger patty. 
I felt like I was in a washing machine.
 I am sooo glad that I didn't drink that much because I would have thrown up all over his big arms, legs, sheets...all the good places.
I am so surprised that he didn't start choking me or tying me with rope or gagging me at some point.
I had to restrain myself from kicking him in the face with my pretty feet. 
I was like a ragdoll, not kidding. I was being thrown around like a dog chewy in a dogs mouth.

What.The.Fuck?

This was out-of-control. 
Not.What.I.Signed.Up.For. 
This proceeded for about (not an exaggeration) 45 minutes to an hour. 
My eyes were rolling all over the place and I just wanted the nightmare to end.
When it finally did we were drenched in so much sweat it felt like we just got done getting out of a pool. Ugh. 
Who the fuck sweats soo fucking much...it wasn't that hot.
AND the most concerning thing was the fact that he just kept on going and going and going and going. Screwy energizer bunny.
After this horrendous process I lost an earring, ripped my undies, and smeared my mascara all over the place. 
I was a mess. But drove home with a big smile on my face anyway because I got it. It got it, I got it yeah! 


I think he had a steroid problem. Hence the big arms.

I swear never again. Big arms remind me of steroids now. Thanks Ray. 

Strippers

We headed to a strip club this weekend after boozing it up in the hot ass night.
Damn it Arizona..
So we get to this club and Derek parks my small ass car in tha front like I was V.I.P.
Yes we go to strip clubs together, why so surprised?


Anyway, Derek has this thing where he feels like he shouldn't have to pay to get in...anywhere.
Doesn't matter if it's the strip club, museum, concert, movies or Disneyland he does not like to pay.
He will do whatever it takes to get in. Im talking about scaling walls, re-using old tickets, climbing trees, buying a child's admission instead of and adults this man has many tricks.
Okay so he can be cheap, whatever man. This is sometimes very embarrassing for me to deal with. I ignore the shit out of him because I do not want to be caught with someone who just walked in without paying then asked by security where his ticket is. Fuck that, I will go in and either he can wait or walk his ass home if he is caught.


There we were at the club, ladies got in free so I was all good. Derek just walks in looks at the girl and passes everyone and walked into the strippin area. Lady at the front was yelling like "Did he pay?" (It was impossibly loud so who really knew what she was saying)
I looked around like a dumbass and got in line for some brew. Let him take care of that shit. Luckily no one was really paying attention and she had to let him go as there were more and more people walking in.


*Earlier that night the bar we went to had a cover charge and guess who just walked in and didn't pay?


I dont recall who's idea it was to go see some tits but we just sat there talking to each other the whole time.
Okay there was one stripper that made us look while she was on the very top of the high ass pole slippin and sliding all the way down. That shit was crazy. I was just hoping to see her fall...because I have never seen anyone fall off of one before. Sucks that it didn't happen.


Me and my buddy were chatting about body hair for some reason. I remembered that one of his friends had tons and tons of facial hair. He told me I was a liar. Trust me, that chick had a thick stache. She is very good looking...but that stache!!!!


What the hell was I gonna say.....??


Ohhh yeah...strippers.
One time me and my girlfriends went to a strip club that was 21 and over (Duh). I used some ID that I found, it was some chick named Anna. It worked, but only for a little bit. It was a ID from Mexico. I don't know to much Spanish, so if they were to question me in Spanish I would have been screwed.
So about this strip club, I have never heard of it before, but my friends sure loved going there.
It was a male strip club for the ladies. (Don't try to look for it as it has been shut down for years)


Mind you I have never seen a male stripper in action before. I have never been to a bachelorette party or anything that provides this type of entertainment.
I didn't know what to expect. I just recall Toucan, Bananas all sorts of weird ass thongs, hairy asses, chiseled abs, ugly faces, and lots of booze (Of course this wouldn't have been fun without it, where would I be without my faithful companion?)
Anyways male strippers aren't as exciting as I thought they would be.
Also, why is it that only overweight, older women that seemed to be the only ladies there?
I didn't see big groups of horny, slutty, skinny, whores.....they were no where to be found. NOWHERE.
So about these men. WTF?
Really?
Some were very unattractive. Mucho no bueno y no gracias.
I just wondered how these men got into explioting their bodies for money? WHO DOES THAT???
haha okay you got me who gives a shit.


I just didnt understand the whole jiggling the junk in your face. Not one bit. didntgetit.
 Remember the hey I will slowly put your hand on my area but just hoover...no creeping on the goods.
OR how about when they dance all slow then speed it up and spin their dicks like a cotton sack full of ketchup.


I realized after going there twice or three times that was just not my cup of tea.
I would rather see some T&A. But thats just me.


I will leave all of those poor ugly dudes to the fat chicks.

Note to Self: Fuck it

If you haven't heard yet some douche at work (I'm sure he will  be reading this but what the fuck is he going to do about me removing it?) looked over my shoulder and got the link to my blog.

I freaked out because I thought my blog was being passed around like candy at work. That is a no-no.

You don't even know after I left work early on Friday...I was about to take my ass to go get a taser then come Monday I was going to heat someones ass until they apologized. Well I guess I didn't need the taser...so it is on the back burner for now. All though I am definitely going to get a pink taser. So watch the fuck out.
Instead I went to Hooters and drank beer after beer....my anger seemed to slowly leave my mind, so when I moved on to another bar it completely disappeared solely because some idiot again asked me the same question that taunts men about me.
Let's not get me riled up from this topic.

Moving on.
There is no need for my to explain my life to people, as most probably wouldn't care to understand anyway.
My work life is nothing like my personal life and if it was I would suck hard.
Here I am again people and all though you didn't miss me I decided: Fuck it, this is me. Those who cant handle it can go wax their balls.

If you feel the need to pray for someones soul, pray for David Hasselhoff's.

I was going to tell the story of that time I was a helicopter...but then I decided against it. Because even though it was a hell of an experience I am unsure if I want wienerhead #1 (from work) to read about it.

Also..totally off subject but I was curious what a ginormous clit looked like so I googled....and one word for it all GROSS.

So I Quit

Ok. Something happened to make me turn my blog into a non exsistant blog for a few days. So I quit. Now I am back. ThankyouverymuchdouchebagMcGeeyoucangotohell!

It's this asshole I work with. Let's just say he was not very funny.

He thought it would be hilarious to log into my blog at work, and there I was in Friday thinking that my bosses were going to have a front-row-view of what I am really like.

So after a long weekend of heavy boozing (yes I partied like a m-f'in rock star) and lots and lots of contemplation I have decided to put this bitch back up and running, because who am I kidding when we all know I for one am not going to change.

"Getting There" (presumably to hell) is 2 years old and getting older. I did not write all of my shitty life experiences for nothing. Right?

So to hell with the jewish fuck that almost ruined my blogging experience.

By-the-way while I was out this weekend guess what someone asked me? "What is your nationality?"
Me: Eyes rolling...."Guess"
Dude: "Are you Asian?"
Me:.....Ugh really? "No, I am not" In my robotic voice.

People...fucking stop asking me already.

Then while at work today
Client: "Hey are you related to anyone here?"
Me: "Uhhh, no"
Client "Oh your not related to anyone here then?"
Me: "no"
I work with Asians - figures

F-U-C-K...

I hate people.

Kiss it

I need to get my creative juices a rest to bring you more stories from my shitty life. Stay tuned. 
For now I will leave you with a small incident that happened to me. 


As you all know of my intense passion for finding my "real" family growing up, I often wished that they would hurry and find me.


This one time when I was like 6, I was a cute little shit...with my cherub porcelain dimpled cheeks, fantastic curly hair. I was the real in the flesh cabbage patch kid. Which was cute until one of my uncles pinched my cheeks every time he saw me.


When I was 6 we lived in a pretty modest neighborhood in Las Vegas. We were living the dream (fucking with you B, sorry y'all inside joke) we loved our home and neighbors. Until I met Bertha. We called her Big Bertha, because she was big and hefty. All though I understand this name to be associated with hugeness. 
She liked to fuck with me.
This heifer lived across the street so there was no avoiding her.
Her and my so-called sister who was the opposite of me with her dark olive skin and straight black hair.


Martha and my older sister decided to see if I would do as they say and become cool like them.
I walked in my room and they had my mothers red lipstick (that she never used because it was a color for tramps and floozies) and put it on their lips. I wanted to take a part in this too so they put some on me.
They then proceeded to "kiss the wall" and wanted for me to do it. They taunted with "kiss it!", "kiss it!"
So I did.


Turns out they not only did not kiss the wall, they put on a different lipstick than I.
Those bitches gave me the lip stick that was semi-permanent (I swear I might still have a slight hue from it now) and they used one that wiped straight off.


So my bright yellow wall had a huge (yes I have big lips) red kiss mark on it, I could not for the life of me take that shit off.
Ohh how funny it was for them to see me frantically trying to wipe it off of the wall and my lips. To no avail.
There was a permanent fixture in my room that was in the form of my lips for years after that.
My mom was very upset for me using her good tramp lipstick. 


Bitches. 

Take em!

I used to date this guy and when we broke up I swore that he turned gay. 
Not surprising since I had a knack for doing that...he was the second ex that this happened with.

While broken up we still hung out or tried to and those nights ended up disastrous. 


On this one night we went out and went to go pick up a 'friend' of his who happened to be a flaming queen. There was no mistaking this guy for a straight, but he was cool and that was all that mattered. 


We pick up the gay and we went to a house party not far from where I resided. Its was all fine and dandy. His friend disappeared early at this party, probably to suck some balls. Me and ex were actually getting along for once. When we get to this house party it was pretty much nothing but lesbians and gays. No biggie. I love me gay guys they are hilarious! 


So there we were in the back yard of some strangers house sitting by a pit fire, talking and joking around. It started getting pretty loud so me and ex started talking in closer proximity than normal. When all of the sudden this guy across the fire starts saying something while staring at me and ex. 


He then points to us and says in a stupid whiny voice "That.Is.Disgusting!" 
Because heterosexual relationships are soo friggin nasty. 
Whaaaaaa? I was flabbergasted with this little fight that was about to go down.
He looked pissed! And I don't even know what I did. I was just sitting there enjoying myself and all of the sudden this little prick wanted to talk shit.. Oh no. I don't think so.


Then it was clear as day why this asshole got mad. Because he was totally into my ex and didn't like the fact that I was making him laugh or that I was talking so closely to him. 


At this point I asked ex for my car keys to get the fuck out of there because I was not trying to get my ass kicked by a bunch of gay guys. We all know you fight girls more than you do men. This is a fact. (Some day I might tell you about the time some gay dude punched me for being me, but that is another time) 


I finally get my keys and head out to my car. Where psycho fag was waiting. He starts snickering something to me and at that point I broke. I was furious. 
We started talking shit back and forth about a whole lot of nothing. He just kept on saying "You don't know who your fucking with!" to which I replied "I don't give a fuck who you are!!!!!" 


We got closer and closer to each other with each yell, then I pulled out my knife and stabbed him in the vagina. Well okay I didn't stab him but he is lucky I was not loaded with weapons I would have deleted all the Cher off his phone, cut off all of his hair, replaced all the guys name from his phone with female ones, stapled the rainbow flag to his forehead and wiped off all his makeup. 
That is my arsenal of weapons when dealing with homosexual haters: stapler, makeup remover, rainbow flag, scissors and mace. That will get the job done fo show! 


Fucking douche. After this yelling match I get into my car with ex in tow. 
I tried to have him get the hell out of my car. No success. 
I couldn't stand to look at him at that moment because this whole time douche was yelling at me  because of my ex and the whole time this dispute was going on ex just stood there not saying one fucking word. Nor did he defend me. Not one fucking word! 
Ugggh. What an asshole. This was all his fault. I don't know why he didn't tell me that someone had a man crush on him. This would have helped.


Not that I wanted my ex, shit douche could have had him, I would have given my ex to him on a silver platter with only a ribbon around his nipples. I didn't want him at all...he was gross to me. 
But NO he wanted to duke it out for someone I didn't even want! Stupid. 




Moral of the story. If you are with someone that is wanted by someone of the same sex as them, I say toss them over (do not fight for them) and walk away. 

I Am Not Asian!

For some reason when Jenny and I go out there is usually someone that likes to argue that I am Asian. 

I really don't know why. I look Hispanic.  Well I think I look Mexican, guess most guys don't know shit.

Once there was a guy that was very determined in finding out my nationality/race for about 40 minutes...he did not shut the fuck up no matter how many times I told him I was Hispanic. 

Okay so I have small eyes. but really, 40 MINUTES??? I was over that shit after the first 5 times he said your Asian right? "No" Your Asian right? "No" Your Asian right? "No"  Your Asian right?... Your Asian right?...
Well if it will make you shut the fuck up I will be whatever you need me to be. 

Annoying.

So this weekend it was a long needed drink with ma bitch Jen to catch up on all the latest gossip. Off we went into the night with no plan other than ravaging more beers than necessary. Success was met but with interesting things that went on throughout the night.

Ill skip to the juice of the story.
We get to a destination not to far from home, I'm in my work getup (polka dot dress...no significance since it was my first time wearing it...funny huh, grown ass woman wearing a polka dot dress) we walk into a bar and sit in the heat for a half an hour. It sucked. The heat I mean. 2 beers down we decide that we have enough boob sweat to cool us off when we get inside the bar. We sit. I get hungry and order chips. We talk and all of the sudden Jen gives me one of her infamous ugh-fuck-you looks. She tells me that some asshole told her to take off her hat from across the bar. Bummer because that hat is kick ass. So she takes it off and gives me that puppy dog look that is so heartbreaking. At some point I try it on.

Me on the other hand was like "Who the fuck told you that?" she says "This black guy walking this way right now".. Douche walks over and says "Oh I was just kidding about taking off the hat" 

Great pickup line? I think not. That was super lame GI.

He sits down like he was invited and starts talking up a storm. He kept on saying that "I was supposed to be on the V.I.P. lists but they didn't put me on"...he must have repeated himself about 5 fucking times. I started getting sick of this son of a bitch right away. Who the fuck told him that it was okay to barge in on our lady party? 
By the way this fucker did not have any eyebrows...anyone, someone please explain??? 

He was a boring ass and obviously did not have any friends. I know this because he repeated that he was waiting for his friends and pretended to look around the bar to find them after looking at his watch. He said he was in the Marines and some other shit I didn't bother remembering because I was to busy stuffing my face with guacamole and chips. While Jen was texting (of course) he tried to be all smooth and put his nasty hand on my back and said "your soft"...ahem...Ewe! I gave Jen the look of death that was something like this

Okay..that is more of a vampire killer look, but you get the point. 

I told him I was soft because I was cushy. Then he repeats to put his hand on my back and says something about me working out... me working out? That is some funny shit. I need to get to a gym. My piss bag was full at this point and I decided to pull one on Jen and leave her for a few minutes while I emptied. I come back and we decide that we needed to ditch GI, so we told him we were leaving when in fact we just went to the other side of the bar. What a bunch of bitches right? haha. no. 
Outside was still a bit warmer than we would have liked it but it was that or sitting with a man who looked 10 years older than he said and had no eyebrows. While we were outside Jen told me he thought that I was Asian and was totally into me. Why do I have to be Asian again? 
STOP CALLING ME ASIAN! No offense to you smooth faced Asians, you are awesome, I am just not one of you. 
I might have puked a little in my mouth. This is weird because I never, NEVER get hit on unless the guy has severe beer goggles or is mildly retarded. Don't ask me why, you saw the pic. 


We enjoy the heat a little bit, ordered more beers (because I could still stand in my heels, meaning I did not have enough consumed) but I was getting giggly at everything said which was the path to success. 

These guys standing by our table decided to ask us to watch their drinks while they did ...who the fuck knows. So being a smart ass that I am I acted like I slipped in Rohypnol or what you call a roofie in their drink. It was funny. Only because they saw me do it. 


Of course I didn't put that odorless, colorless drug in their drink where the fuck would I get that from? And there is never a need to drug a man to take him home. That one is to easy. 


Well about this guy that was standing closer to me.
He was missing a tooth. What? You say? Yes, he was missing a tooth in the front of his mouth. 
I could not stop looking. Missing.A.Tooth.
This is a reproduction of where that tooth was missing but on Derek. 

Shallow you say? No, I was merely making an observation.

I mean it was very clear that he was missing a tooth from his front part of his mouth. So again I did what any inconsiderate bitch would have, I asked him how he lost his tooth. And when he told me some dude kicked  him I couldn't help but to laugh. 
Even better he pulls out these 2 old ass cell phones from YEARS AGO... they might as well been one of these:

                                                            Source

HAHA Seriously.
I then asked him "You don't have a girlfriend do you?" to this he replies "No"...
Awe, that's when I laughed a bit to much at him. Poor thing. Missing tooth, old phones AND he was cute. Well he would have been cute with that tooth intact, an updated phone and a neck shave AND if he had a real job. (NO A CAR WASH IS NOT A REAL JOB- I will not repeat this again because you are a fuck head if you think that will get you through life with this job) Its ok he had a lot to learn him and his wet behind the ears friend. These baby boys were like barely 21 or 22 or something like that. I'm sure they do not know the processes of getting laid yet. 


His name was Tim. Sorry Timmy I know you are out there probably cursing me out for using you, but that's what I do best. Use people for my diabolical stories. (also send me a picture of your smile - teeth showing before you fix it) We will do a before and after ;) 


I asked Tim when he was going to get his tooth fixed he said "next week" I asked if he was gonna get a veneer, he said no that he was going to use something else that was low-cost I don't remember what it was, like a tooth made out of compacted plastic bags or something equally cheaper. 


I tried to convince him he should opt for the veneer. I am not sure how convincing I was. I am crossing my fingers that he will get something that will look nice and upgrade those ancient cell phones...Tim I would ask you to text me that picture but seeing as your screens are only in two colors like the first Apple computer I assume they cant handle that complex request. 


How sweet was he though telling me I was funny. Maybe it was because I made fun of him and his tooth, who knows. Great sense of humor at least. I am so glad I did not get into a fight, because I don't like fighting in dresses its soo unclassy. 


While we were outside alot of people were preparing to leave, Jen goes to the ladies room and I am left outside with our roofie boys.
GI comes out of left field to me and looks PISSED!
He was like "I thought you guys said you were leaving" in an angry voice...Oh shit! 
Then he asks me if I wanted to dance...Umm "no".
He was like "Well if your not going to dance with me I am leaving"...BYE! 
I was right as usual because I called that shit. His 'friends' did not show up and he was NOT on the V.I.P. list. Douche. 


Jen reminded me next day that on our way back home I was asking about GI's eyebrows or lack thereof.
Then I proceeded to tell her the importance of eyebrows and eyelashes. I told her the purpose of these hairs are to keep the dust/sweat out of our eyes. I don't know why this was so important for her to know at 1:30 in the morning but now she knows.

There we have another adventure of the slut sisters  crazy ladies down, can't wait for the next one. 

YOU WHORE!

Why is it that when we ask women how many men they have whored with they cut it down to the half of what the actual number is?
Trust me on this one, I did it before. What? Why you so surprised? My number was somewhere like 6 and when asked I said 3...haha
I fucking hate liars though. This was before I realized how detrimental liars actually affected my life. 


Moving on, how much is to much? 
I used to love me a life of sluttying it. (See there is a word that you will be looking up) here is a quick reference Sluttying it = whoring around not giving a fuck about anyones feelings. Okay you got me...I wasn't that big of a slut. Not like someone else I hung out with...Now that chick was something else.! 


So skany jankies what do you say? 25 alot? (No...this is not my number) I am talking about when you get to 30 would it be considered a shit load? 
Maybe not. Unless you got a few to big to many times and jacked up your elasticity to your opening and now you are loose bitch. 


A while back on t.v. I heard someone talk about getting injections for rejuvenation. It is called vaginal rejuvenation or something like that. 
What calls for this? When your man says something like "Hey...you know this would feel better if you were a bit tighter" or "Damn I remember the first time I jab my snake in you, it feels different now". 
That.Would.Suck. 
Seriously how would you know? Can you measure that like you can with height? 
Stick something in there and a year later see how it fits then? Sorry that is a bit nasty. Unless you into that kind of thing like fruits and shit. 
I know men love to have high numbers...but that is just sleazy. Yes, men can be as sleazy as women can. 


So, can whoring around really deteriorate your genitals? Maybe I say. 
You have those guys that don't know shit about anything and suck at parts that don't feel good, then after a while it is like hurry-the-fuck-up-and-get-away-from-my-goodies! or fake it until they stop. Geez, guys are so retarded sometimes.

Anyway...I really don't know what the fuck this post was really supposed to be about so I'll just leave that at that. All though when I did start writing I know I had an idea of what I was going to say...instead my memory failed me and I forgot. (Thanks getting older, I fucking hate you)

Stayed tuned for an adventure out on the town Jenny and I had this weekend.  

Say What?

I read several blogs where people say shit that does not make sense.
I mean they make up words which is great.
I just don't understand what it means so I interpret it the way I want. (Which is usually dirty no matter what the context is)
Then they add "I just made that word up" and use it in their vocabulary like it was there the whole time and is part of the dictionary.


I discover new words everyday. It is actually entertaining when I find a new word that exist and use it on someone who has no clue what the fuck it means but don't say anything because they don't want to appear stupid. 


If I could have invented any word it would  have to be "FUCK", because I fucking love that word. Everyone would point and say "Hey there is that woman who created the most filthy word" (Almost just right next to cunt which is another fav of mine) 
There is nothing better than screaming FUCK!!! out loud for whatever reason you want.
This word is generic and can be used anywhere from the home to the park (maybe not to church unless whispered) and can be used in numerous possible ways.


Stubbing your toe "FUCK!"
Papercut "Awe...Fuck!"
Reading or watching the news "ohhh fuck"
Spilling some wine on your shirt "fuck!"
Having an orgasm "mmm...fuuuuuuckkk"
Crashing your car "fuckkk.." 
Printer malfunctioning "FUCK YOU PRINTER FUCK!!!!"
Needing to shit badly "fuck!" 
Getting asked out on a date "Fuck yeah!" 
Being late  "Fuck man!" 
Getting a speeding ticket "fuck!"
Finding out girlfriend is preggers "nooooo FUCK!" 
Getting your credit card bill "fuck this!"
Receiving a bad grade "damn it!..fuck!"
Eyeballing a fantastic pair of shoes "fuck yeahhhhh"
Finding out your ex is now gay "what the fuck?" 


The options are endless. 
AND EVEN BETTER you have a gang sign to use, this if you don't know how to speak. 
Just use your finger and salute that faggoty (yes I made that up) j/k ass neighbor that wants to leave their broke down piece of shit car in the front of your house.

Next time something exciting happens to you don't forget to say it "FUCK!!!" just for the hell of it.