Only me

After work I head over to the Circle K by the college campus to get cracked out on some Red Bull ♥ before the dreaded math class.

So there I am standing in the middle of the store trying to figure out what my dinner was going to be. Hot-dog or nachos? Taquitos or crackers? Hot Cheetos or donuts? Old looking sandwich or rotten fruit? I tried to go for the more nutritious item until I realized that I was in a fucking Circle K and the most nutritious thing was going to be a some water and perhaps something that would give me diarrhea. 


I took my chances with the nachos. I sat there and filled the plastic with cheese to the brim, because that is how I do it. 

On I go to purchase my meal of the night along with the Red bull. Cashier was nice enough to tell  me that it was cheaper if I got two Red bulls. Really?
It was fantastic, not only was I going to be awake I was going to have the caffeine shakes, maybe run a marathon in the parking lot because I forgot where I parked my car for the hundredth time this semester. OH YEAH this was going to be great!

I paid for my goodies then walked to the back of the store where my second energy drink awaited for momma.  

Glistening in the harsh lighting of the store I saw it...waiting patiently for me to open up the glass door and snatch it out to guzzle down all in a few seconds. 
Then I saw the caddy. 
It was hanging on the glass door slightly blocking my view from the delicious RB that sat there.
I felt my taste buds dry up, anticipating that first drop of moisture from RB.


I closed in, opened the door.
Fucking caddy broke mid reach. 
Energy drink sitting on the caddy comes rolling out hitting the floor with a hard thud.


Then...


Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss......
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss......
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss....


There was energy drink in there for days! 


What.the.fuck!

That was the sound of a busted can spewing its contents onto my work clothing.
It happened so fast I had zero reaction time. 
I just stood there.
Taking it. 

You know that wasn't even the worst part.

When it smashed on the floor the first place it hit with it's liquid coldness was my ass. It went straight for my booty! What kind of shit is that? 
Some fucked up shit that's what! 

I thought "Oh man it looks like I peed myself! Aye Dios mio. 

How bad can that be when most of my pants were soaked oohhhh but only on the butt and insides of my legs?

Really that was the only places Mr. hahaisquirtedalloveryourcuteclothes got me. 

I didn't have an extra pair of clothes in my car. 

I walked out of Circle K with my nachos, two RB's, and pack of what the fuck am I going to do in my hands. Walking to my car there were several people who stared, I just wanted to shout "I DIDN'T URINATE ON MYSELF IT'S ENERGY DRINK, I SWEAR!!!! 
Stupid pants. They were grey. Dark grey where the liquid got me, trailing from my ass down to the insides of my legs most of it soaked closest to my shoes. Sticky stuff.  


Going home was out of the question because I live so far from the campus it would have not worked out. There is a downside to my campus, there are no close stores, fast food restaurants or the like. It sucks. 

Luckily, I remembered there was a thrift store not to far away, so I headed there in my drink soaked clothes. 
I got out searching for clothes with nacho cheese dangling off the corner of my mouth, pants wet sticking to my legs, shirt slightly splattered. I was a fucking wreck and a mad woman grabbing pants in my fat ass size trying to hurry because the place was closing. WHY ME??? 

All of this and all I wanted was a fucking Red Bull and nachos drowned in cheese for dinner to keep me awake during math. Wtf! 

On the plus side I did find a nice pair of jeans for six bucks. Now what, god of I am going to fuck up your life today? NOW WHAT?! 

Rox

Excerpts from "Getting There"

Excerpts (HELL YEAH!) 

I have compiled some excerpts from my blog just in case your new or you just forgot. Laziest blog post ever. 

Some WTF moments:

 My little sister came into my room with a huge samurai sword. I was like "What the hell is that for?" she said that my mom bought three of them at a yard sale for 5 bucks. 

She had these white thongs on really high. MOREOVER, THEY WERE FILTHY! They were supposed to be white, they were as if she wore them for weeks, sweated in them, soaked them in her dirt encrusted folds and stood out in a sand storm. They were so discolored; she earned the nickname 'Dirty Thong'. 

 I am like WTF am I supposed to do? Hang out with these possible pedophiles?

Shit! That is exactly what I did. Not by choice as they were my ride home.

GOD FORBID someone call you gay when you hang out with gay people AND have a gay best friend that attempted to rape you!

"How old am I again?" ...
I sat there in confusion for a few minutes trying to remember how old I was.

He stops looks at me and says "Are you working?" I think to myself "Yeah, but there are others that can help you inside, can't you see that I am busy!"
But I just reply with a "Yeah"
He keeps staring at me then says "Is there a place around here we can go?, I know I am on a bike but....." then leaves it up to me to fill it in. 

This dude just tried to pick me up ....on his bike!
For a round of hanky panky!

Well about this guy that was standing closer to me.
He was missing a tooth. What? You say? Yes, he was missing a tooth in the front of his mouth.
I could not stop looking. Missing.A.Tooth.

OR how about when they dance all slow then speed it up and spin their dicks like a cotton sack full of ketchup.

 She sniffs loudly and says "What is that smell?" I stare in confusion. She sniffs again and says "It smells like Raid or something"....
What!!!!??
I smell like a fucking pest control truck now? 

I smelled something tangy. Almost tasting it.
WTF? "Oh hell no, is that my feet?" I thought.

 On My Mother:

 My mom gets up and says, "You wanna take this shit outside? I'll kick your fucking ass!"

She must have muttered something that my mom saw because next thing you know my mom says in a loud voice "Do you have a problem BITCH?"

My mom was very upset for me using her good tramp lipstick. 

On creepy professors:

I answer with a "Yes sir!"
He replies "Ohhh, I like that." *Said in a slow deep voice
Again, silence in the class. Did anyone hear that?.... ANYONE? 
Ummmm.....
........

Some of the best advice I ever gave on my blog:

“Kids never hang out with your drunk uncles”

 You got it! Affliction shirts.
OK, St. Pierre can get away with it, but PLEASE PEOPLE. PLEASE REFRAIN!

If you are with someone that is wanted by someone of the same sex as them, I say toss them over (do not fight for them) and walk away. 

Raw Facts:

Lesbians are crazy (most of them)

Prince Charming does not hang around, solicit and does not, I REPEAT DOES NOT shop at Wal-Mart. You will not find him there.

I have been there and let me tell you it is tough to get a fat bitch away from the cereal box section and all you want to do is to grab a box and toss in your basket, but that's not going to happen because people like to block the section then select 15 boxes of cereal because 1 or 2 is definitely not enough.

A carwash is not a real job.

Chocolate does NOT come off.
I have an orange chair I sit on and it looks like shit speckled on where I sit.

The fat girl in the group is the one that gets laid. 

On Shit:

Don’t forget to shit at home!

If you really need to shit please, please I cannot stress this enough FLUSH the motherfucking toilet!

Bar bathrooms are not the place to take shits. I did not want to be caught white knuckling the porcelain throne 

"Eat, Pray, Love" 
What a piece of shit. 




And that my friends was a little of everything that you can find in my archives. 
Toodles! 


Rox

Stomach Cancer

This weekend was fun. 


Then came Monday, along with stomach pains from hell. 


I didn't know what it was, but stomach pains and working do not go hand in hand. I tried to be a trooper, because I'm fucking resilient to all of the sick made up shit that is out there y'all!  
I burped, I farted (in the hall several times), hell I even shit a huge log and still stomach pains were there. 


Then I took Tums still no help. Pepto? Still no! 
Fuck you stomach looking all bloated and shit. 


Douche McMan at work asked what was wrong I told him my tummy was in pain.
2 hours later he asks "Hey man you okay?", "Umm no!!!! My stomach hurtsss" while clenching my sides and doing the "I'm making a poop" face.
Only this time he says "You probably have stomach cancer" then briskly walks away.


....Did this motherfucker just tell me......stomach cancer?
...ohhh, oh my goodness...what if???....stomach cancer?
Oh shit, stomach cancer you say?...


What.the.fuck
Why would you say that?!!!


Okay, maybe I could blame the ridiculous amounts of beer and tequila that I indulged in this weekend that can account for this stomach trouble. Oh snap! What about the menudo and crab legs on Sunday? Could have been that Nitro drink from Monster or that shitty warm beer someone gave me. Or the beans and potato salad for lunch. Or how about the apple with coffee I had that morning? What ever it was my stomach hurt! I don't know if stomach cancer hurts but it  sounds like it's supposed to with there being cancer in the cancer and all. 


I needed answers and I needed them ASAP! 


I left work early and called Derek to tell him what Douche McMan had said. 
"Ohh, my stomach still hurts"
"Come home already!"
"Derek!!, Douche McMan told me I had stomach cancer!, What do I do?"
"Why the fuck did he tell you that?"
"I don't know, he's a dick. Oh my god what if it's true?"
"Come home and take some Pepto, relax you don't have stomach cancer."
"AHHHH, WHAT IF I'M DYING RIGHT NOW?!!!!!!...If I don't make it home within the next 30 minutes then I died from stomach cancer on my way home!"
"Shut up, don't talk like that. I'll see you in a bit."
"IT'S CANCER I TELL YA!!!!, Oh look at that sweet ass Lexus. Can I have one of those?"
 Frustrated sigh "Uhh just come home i'll see you in a bit."


On my way home:
*Talking to myself
"Oh I have cancer of the bellies!"
"Ughhh, I think I am dying"
Cramp. 
"It's getting me!"
Burp.
"Still don't feel good"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Fart.
"Stomach cancer, stomach cancer,stomach cancer, stomach cancer, stomach cancer..."
"Damn stomach cancers, leave me alone" 
♫♪♫"Say it if it's worth it to me ..♪♫♪♪♫, not right now Nickelback! Damn it I have the cancers!!!" 


Yeah that was me.Talking to me. About me. With me. 


I realize that I might have been a little delusional on my way home. 
I was on a Tums high. 
The berry flavored Tums (I know right!!). Wild eyed, eyelashes all disheveled, hair tousled and what not.  


I feel better now, so I feel it's safe to say I don't have stomach cancer. 


* Side-note: Don't go emailing me telling me how serious stomach cancer is. I am aware. 


Enough about the stomach cancer already! 


On another note, Kosher at That Ain't Kosher sent along a meme because she is 1 of 3 people who actually visits my blog. So here I is.
(That is intentional the "I is") Fucking perfectionist English majors. 


1. What’s the one thing that scares the hell out of you? (For example: dying alone, oven mitts, parade floats of giant pandas…) Carrot Top and huge fist sized cockroaches. 

2. If you had the opportunity to throw anybody- and I do mean anybody- under a speeding vehicle and no one would EVER find out, who would it be? (No points for Justin Bieber, BTW, because that’s just a given) That is a toss-up of Carrot Top or Russell Pierce because they both disgust me to no end. Hell I would save a Bieber and toss both of those other idiots. 


3. Hell, be creative: Choose your own murderous rage (I’m morbid like that). 
Oh my... I would never! (share my secret with the world) 

4. What do you love most about me? No, seriously. What’s the one place you’ve always wanted to visit but never have?   I do love your Kosherness btw. I have always wanted to visit  Wonderland because Mad Hatter is one interesting motherfucker and cannot get stomach cancer from all the tea. 

5. What’s the funniest fucking word in the English language (I currently like “titmouse”)?  Currently giggling to "fard". Let's use it in a sentence.
While getting ready Derek asks "What are you doing?" I reply "I'm farding!" Look it up.* 
Or "poot" "Did you just poot?" It's farting but I use it when it sounds like a bit of shit came out with the fart. 

6. If you could describe your life with a song title or movie title, what would it be?
Kick-Ass, that was easy!

7. What’s your favorite website besides my blog? (don’t you love how I threw in my flaming narcissism?)  Stamps.com Because you can print stamps from your home computer without the hassle of going to the post office!!! Oh was this supposed to be another fellow blogger? Okay then Dear Coke Talk because that bitch tells it like it is! 

8. If you were going to host a blogger house party which bloggers would you invite and what would go down? (I think we’re all going to keep this one in there)


Hmmm. First off there would be gallons of wine to swim in, Jello pits, Armadillo rides will be offered. Kosher, Sara Swears Alot, Coke Talk, Chino @ Running Scared (because he is a vodka chugging babe), Lily @ Too early for a martini (Another vodka chugging babe), essentially all the bloggers willing to get shit faced would be there to drink free booze. 


Who knows what would come of that there partay. 
I would totally pass this on but...
I'm not. 
Go screw yourself, I thought I might have had stomach cancer for fuck sake!


*Also, I really don't know why Douche McMan would tell me that I have stomach cancer, I think he just wants me to die. 
Rox

You Again?

There was a time when this nightmarish thing repeated itself.

Has not happened in a long time but for some reason I thought about it this weekend.

This “one thing” where you finally wear that outfit that you have been dying to show off and finally do so. In the mean time you see friends that you have not seen in a long time. They tell you how amazing you look when it is really those jeans keeping your weighty fluff stay put.

Then you decide to leave the outfit in your closet until you feel like it again. Time goes by, you wait. Then you decide ok let’s do this again. You stuff with all your might into those jeans that make your ass look like an ass and not pancakes. Same outfit, weeks even months later. You run into those friends of yours you saw when you had the same clothing on again.

You don’t know what they think, hey maybe they didn’t even recognize that you have the same thing on as last time.

For fuck sake, time has elapsed!!! You do have other clothes, You just happen to put these ones on again. You don’t want to seem like an ass and say anything about the repeat outfit just in case they missed that tiny detail.

Not a big deal, until you wear the outfit again and see those people that you never see unless you wear that outfit. You recognize that your ensemble is becoming less and less amazing.

Celebrities don’t get caught wearing the same outfit twice, why? Because they are filthy rich and have people sending them clothes every second of the fucking day. Us normals have to go and actually spend our hard earned dollars on clothing on a constant basis.

So you leave that same stupid outfit in the closet for a long, long time knowing that you aren’t going to put it on again for fear of looking like a person that only has one outfit for going out.

Then you make that mistake and wear it almost a year later and by then you are keenly aware that you might have another run-in with your acquaintances. You are quite paranoid about the outfit by now.

You are glad to have worn it until you once more only run into the people that happen to only see you when you wear these clothes. Frustrated you finally decide to say something about the clothes to these people. Not trying to sound like a moron you say it in a jokingly manner. 

"Haha, don't I ever change?" 

"Do I have other clothes?"

*Nervous giggle, eye roll, escape

You told yourself too "God damn I can't believe that I wore this shit again!"

They most likely have conversations about your repeated outfit. "Hey remember when she wore that the last three times we saw her? HAHAHAHA" or When you ask them a question they say "come again, pun intended..hahaha" Damn people and their observations. 

Then you make that trip to Goodwill because god forbid you to wear that shit again and have another run-in with those people. 

You would be like the Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, but with more spunk and the same clothes. 

Rox

I'M MEXICAN FOR THE LOVE OF PEACHES!

My friend invited me out this last weekend and I joyously accepted her invite.
So we went to a bar to get some drinks and you know I was not going to turn that down. 

It was a bar that she frequents every so often to be deemed a regular, which is dandy with me, I was thinking "free shots!"


We immediately sit and order some drinks. Not even a few minutes pass that we were we sitting    this old man comes up, looks me in the eye and asks "Are you Asian?"
The audacity of some people!!!!!! 
How the fuck are you just going to go up to a stranger and ask them their race? 


I felt like kicking his face in. I nicely replied "No I am not actually." 
Tell me why this son of a bitch looked like someone kicked a puppy in front of him when I told him no. 
Was I sure that I wasn't from Thailand? Umm yes, I am positive. I am from Arizona, and that is in the United States if you did not know that tidbit of info. *Wink
He gave us a 5 minute history lesson and REALLY wanted to know where my "Asian-ness" came from. 
He reminded me of those creepy professionals that go to a foreign land to make whoopie with young girls. Disgusting. I might have saw him on a special for NBC for this kind of behavior. 


I don't even look Asian, what the fuck is wrong with people?


Why did he ask if I was sure? I'd like to think so sir. 


Look people it is wrong to insinuate someone's race/gender/ethnicity. Why do these people want to know anyway? I don't see anyone going up to a male and asking them if they are a woman. 


After he left my friend looks at me and says "Did he really just come over here and ask you if you were Asian? Who does that? Isn't that a little racist?"


What the fuck is that about? Really people? 
Oh.my.god. Why does it even matter if I was Asian? Would that somehow make the world better? 


Since I get that comment A LOT I decided to do some googling for Mexicans that look Asian.
Let me just say that people really need to get hobbies. It is not a serious problem. We are all minorities so what does it matter? 
Ok, ok..so I got great skin, but still. 
I pulled this up from a travel site that Google landed me on and thought what the hell?

Why don't you know how to type out a question correctly Denise? Punctuation does not have a home in your brain. 


This demanded a reply from me. 


Dear Denise,


My name is Rox and I am Hispanic. I have been in the United States all my life. There are multitudes  of folk here in the U.S. rich, poor, funny, ghetto, white and the list goes on. The majority are white but us Mexicans are moving in like a brushfire from the south. Do whites come from the north then? I  always see Mexicans that look Mexican but have black features e.g. big bootays, curly hair. There are even some whites that look Mexican, probably from tanning so much. Let me ask you something Denise, did your parent's raise you to ask so many stupid questions? Or was that something contrived on your own? This is a serious question. No offense or anything. 


Lovingly Rox


When I say no offense but am offensive does that even count? 


Lastly my followers I leave you with this piece of information:
I am not Asian. Not even a little bit. I have said it before and I will say it again because I am 99.9% sure that I will get that again soon. 

A Love Letter

Oh Derek and I. 

What a cute little couple we make. 

We make me sick, that is how cute we are.

*Check out Rico Suave, I just want to pinch him!!


Yeah sure he pisses me off  all of the fucking time sometimes, like singing "Hide ya kids, Hide ya wife" over and fucking over again. Or when he thinks that it is okay to to be a smart ass to gangsta's that wouldn't hesitate to put a cap in his ass. Why must you tempt fate fool? Or saying "Double rainbow all the way, it's so vivid" over and over. fuck you. 


Regardless of his imperfections I have collected the past 6 years such as that hairy ass chest of his that is super unsexy when it grows out of control, or his little brother a.k.a. Mr. lipoma on his back that I like to poke...etc, I love him for him. (Except that he won't let me touch his nipples whenever I want WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT DEREK????, okay that will be your only fault in this relationship...THE ONLY ONE) 
I don't know if you noticed anything new about my blog....but I'M ON IT!!!! 
Confused little one? You see the little me face on the tab? NO? THE ONE ABOVE THE ADDRESS BAR!!!!!
Still no? FUCK YOU, here you go

Bigger version of what really looks like:



Guess who did that? 
Derek did of course I am not web savy enough to do shit like that so I made him. And by made I mean I bribed him with my goodies because who wouldn't love a little of me?
Okay don't answer that because I may not even want to know (unless you are Brad Pitt or Scarlett Jo-sexy-hansson).
Anyway, I have no clue on how one does something like that or what kind of bullshit he had to do but it looks great and I fucking love it. 


So great in fact that I decided to dedicate a whole post to my lover man also known as Derek also known as Dirty (oh yeah), also known as Big Dick Derek (wait who the fuck named you this? and don't go saying everyone Derek I know how you are), also known as King Salami... okay you see where I am getting at with all of this non-descriptive wordage of his personality. 


I have been wanting to write him a love letter of our 6 years together but couldn't find the right words. Then he did this great thing for me so why the hell not:


Dear Beau,


      Remember how we met? It was a blistering hot day and I needed a job. I waltzed into the store with my teal eyeshadow and halter top and almost begged you for the job even though it didn't matter. I was going to get it anyway. 
Weeks after working with you I finally noticed that your oldness was actually kinda sexy, I would stare at your crotch and see tiny pee stains on your khakis and thought it was the cutest thing in the world. You mastered making me cry with your criticisms of my choice of boy toys I dated and would constantly talk shit, all though I think this was more of a jealousy thing. 
      Then you seduced me the way any boss should to a way younger employee. A massage. 
I remember that patchouli oil you rubbed on my body and somehow got me to take my clothes off, I lay there wondering why your old fingers were shaking so badly, until I felt your boner against my leg. Totally turn-on by the way babe that is when you had me. You had me at boner on my leg. That and your bright white teeth that used to look like mini-chicklets to me. 
Then we made whoopee I was so excited because I heard about your largeness and wanted to see it for myself. Thank you Circles family you did not disappoint.   
You took me to Churches Chicken for my birthday soon thereafter because you knew I was a cheap date. You seducer you! 
       I saw several pictures of you in your younger heydays and the fat ugly girlfriends you had and I knew I was a fresh change. The one you were waiting for all of your life. 
The one you could play dutch oven with and I wouldn't leave you. 
Do you remember when we first were together and your favorite place to take me out to were to the funerals? You loved taking me to all the funerals that first year we were together. 


        You are so great and funny. Do you remember putting on my star pajamas that one winter? You don't? Let me refresh your memory sir. 

You know just what to do when I am feeling low. 
You would come to be the one who would pick me up after a night of boozing on the town because I was to drunk to drive and threw up in your sink because I could damn it! You were the one who reminded me how old I was when I was alcoholically delusional from my Lambrusco binges. 
You have never called me ugly or fat and I can count on you to never say anything bad to me except that I am fucking crazy as a bat, but I don't mind that one bit because let's face it we both are crazy as bats. We fit like retarded puzzles pieces smashed together by a toddler even though they weren't supposed to fit and only fit because they got chewed up and banged together and possibly taped and/or glued together. (Wow I really thought this one out)


We made the whoopee this one time and you expelled your demon sperms in me making our little demon child of our own. Baby D. Evil little shit he looks just like you dad. 
I am sorry that he got my 'tude and style, but what can you do? Take him back? No. 
We can't........... 
Can we? 

Even though it took you a few years and a fat motherfucking ring, you finally did it, you asked me to be your wife. 

Thank you for the fine whoopee's you make with me and the fantastic dinners you prepare after my long days at work and school.  It has been a grand 6 years together. 
Olive juice berry mush Derek. 


Damn you are a sexy beast...RAWR 
And that people is my man who calls himself "The D" 

Highway Hell & Breaking up

You think this is going to be a post about my ride into work don't you? 


Fuck...you guys think you know me that well? JESUS!


No I am not talking about the ride to work...all though funny story this weekend while taking the demon children to the aquarium. I was speeding on the freeway just as everyone was. I just got out of the HOV lane because some road raging biatch in a Cavalier was behind me so I decided to let her menstrual ass pass so I got into the next lane over....HUGE MISTAKE.
First thing I noticed was the giant ass mattress that lay in my lane. Waiting for some sleeping beauty to go lay on it. Or not. It was just laying there. 
Must of fell off some honky tonk who didn't know how to tie shit down to their vehicle. What.the.fuck? 
I thought "OH SHIT...IMMA BOUT TO RUN THIS MOTHERFUCKING MATTRESS OVER!!!" Then freaked out a bit because my car is tiny as fuck, I then thought the mattress was going to run us over!!!
Of course I was going too fast to swerve and get into the other lanes so I braced myself.


Mattress v. Rox...... head to head....about to shred it out...
I was going to run over that fucking bedding with my little piece of shit car. 

Then at the last possible moment the motherfucker comes flying up and makes a beeline towards us in s-l-o-w motion, its springs grinded against my car like it wanted to hump my metal baby, slightly cracking my windshield then bounced off and hitting a Prius in the HOV lane. 


Jesus Christ. 


A mattress on the freeway almost fucking killed me and my family.  


Now I have this big crack in my windshield. Thank you road hazard. 
Now I can cross off #46- Always wanted to get hit by a mattress while going 75 on a freeway, off of my life's list. 


Enough about my almost death experience. 
That would have been a great headline though "Mother of 2 killed by flying mattress on Freeway", could have been worse it could have been a futon or a Mexican. 


This post is about that one time Derek thought I left him.
Little did he know what day it was. 
Monday?
Yes Monday but that is not what that meant. 
Just keep reading. 


I got up for work yesterday morning like a regular normal person does every weekday. 
Got my shit together then left for work. 
Halfway to work realize several things amiss. 
Then thought maybe this was a good thing. I hate having all kinds of shit bogging me down. 
I forgot my engagement ring on the bathroom counter, my cell phone, Benedict (Kindle), and my lunch. ALL OF IT.


You might be wondering how the fuck I just forget about all of this shit and I will tell you the truth.
My mental health is deteriorating and I am losing my god damned mind!! or for those less inclined to think I am crazy, I just forgot.  
I logged into my computer at work and about an hour sitting on my ass catching up on my subscribed blogs, I get a IM from Derek.
Apparently if I don't wear my ring every fucking day then I am leaving him. 

Had to put him in his place. 
Who the hell doesn't know about "Leave your Shit at Home" day? I suggest all you people do it.


Miss me? No asshole you would have gone ape-shit fucking crazy and would have tracked me down after your tequila induced pity party. 
I know how this break-up shit works. 
Guys tend to go insane without their counterparts. 
Derek would be a lost boy without me. Who would buy him clothes? Who would tell him to shower because he smells like a homeward bound hippy? Who would trim his nails? Who would scratch his back at night? Who would bring me lunch? Who would make sure I had dinner?
If I was leaving I definitely would have not left my 50 pairs of shoes with him, don't be fucking stupid. Or my kids. Maybe just one of them though. 

Big Pimping

I have came to the acceptance that the fat girl in the group is the one that gets laid. 

True, contrary to your belief. 
This test was put out there for my fat ass to test and guess what bitches? 
I was right. As usual. That's right I am ALWAYS RIGHT so suck it. 
Chubby chasers are out there. 


You see my friend Jen was a little heavier than what her 85 pound ass is now and she told me and I quote "I used to get a lot of action when I was bigger." 
Really bitch? Because you are beautiful.

Then I remembered when I was a 90 pounder (I was fucking adorable) and hung out with this obese son of a bitch of a woman and I kid you not she got ALL of the action. And when I say all I mean I got zero, zilch, nada. Yeah little me got none. Fatty got all of the rooster that came our way. What is that about? 


Jen and I went on one of our outings last Friday. While sitting, talking and dranking, Jen was approached by a hefty fella, by hefty I mean he was saturated with lipids. (See I'm learning in Biology even though that might not be used correctly, fuck you don't judge me). He came up and started talking to her like I wasn't even there. Something about her bad ass shoes or something which in my book is pretty flamboyant. Somehow his attention was diverted to me ..... and he gave me the those 'OHHHH LA-LA what have we here' looks. 
He was standing awfully close to me while saying something about me being the most beautiful girl...or something along those lines. Cheesy right? Well he started talking and talking. About what? I have no clue. I don't pay much attention to people as they suck. 


We were talking about Jen needing to get laid. She spotted herself a 'Ken doll' which she considers to be sizzling hot. Me well, not so much. So there he was her Ken doll talking to some linebacker bitch. Let me tell you, this older woman had on a lime green halter top and white shorts, she had to have had the widest set of shoulder on a chick we have ever seen. Hence the name Linebacker, it was well suited in our opinions. That nasty ass lime colored shirt was fucking hideous and worst thing was that she kept on sticking her chest out like a chicken. Sick I tell you.
Ken was talking to the linebacker babe and Jen kept on stealing glances. Well Hefty saw this and found a way for Jen to met said Ken doll. All was well. 
Until Ken's friend decided to lie about their occupations and cock block on the pimpage that was going to happen between Ken and Jen. Awe Ken and Jen, see that would have worked out even though that wasn't his real name. 


So anyway, after buying about $50 worth of booze guys started buying us drinks. What the hell is that? Where were you guys $50 ago? So anyway, bartender comes over gives me a beer and says "It's from that guy across the bar" then points to Hefty. Oh god. Underneath the beer was a napkin with his information written on it. 
What were we on a set for a movie or something? Who writes notes and who reads them when it is dark out and beer goggles are on? 
Fortunatly I dropped a water all over that thing so it was no longer legible. To bad, so sad. 
Then another guy who was eyeballing across the bar buys us drinks. At this point I am pretty trashed. So I took tiny sips as to appear rational and untethered by the 6 beers and shot that I already had. 
The guy who bought us shots seemed a bit jealous when cock blocker and Ken were talking to me. Really? All for lil ol me? That is laughable. Go ahead. I understand if you want to fall off you chair laughing because I got some attention. It is funny. 

Ok to make this story short, so guys really liked me last Friday then I realized it.........
I was the fat girl. 
Jen got no action even though she is way hotter. Damn fat girls! Come one guys. 
Leave the beefy bitch alone and go after my hottie, single friend. What the fuck is wrong with you? Geez. 


See why does the fat girl in the group get the action? Are stretch marks turn-ons?  Love a little zebra action (wink, wink)?  Maybe it was my engagement ring? I heard guys go for that. Look don't go saying us fatties are easier because I bet Jen was willing to engage in some quickie action and me, well I was just me.


I have officially decided I am going to pimp my bitch Jen out. She needs some rooster. Badly. 
Yes I will be that woman that goes up to some hot ass men to ask if they are single and if they are if they want to go on a date with Jen. 
I will were a sign that reads "Only hot need apply" to hook my lonely friend up. 
Hopefully I can land her a lay, knowwhatimsayin! Watch out! 


Saturday we decided to do Oktoberfest....which kicked our asses btw. Stay tuned for that story. I have a fucking headache right now because it kicked my ass so bad.