The Beard

Derek. 
He has this thing on his face. 
The face I look at every fucking day. 


Derek has grown a beard that I fear will become this massive hair parachute that will cover all of Arizona soon. 


It just sort of became. I didn't ask for the beard. Sure as shit didn't tell him to shave it either. I suppose I would be at 50% at fault if all of Phoenix dies from asphyxiation from "the beard". 

Winter time could count for the fact that men get lazy just as I do when it comes to snipping my leg hairs. Just lazy. Derek just got lazy.  


Derek likes to name himself ridiculous names and now refers to himself as "The Beard". 



Derek "The Beard" Lastname aka Facial Fro Bro
God damn that fucking beard. 


Picture taken a week or so ago.


I know that Zach Galifianakis has something to do with this. 




Thanks IMBD


Damn it Zach Galifianakis I knew you would do this to us. 
Ever since we watched Due Date that beard has been growing.  
What the fuck Zach Galifianakis?! 
Reverse evolution? 
I am not understanding the facial fro. 


Maybe Derek is trying to do something for next Halloween. No? 
To be Zach Galifianakis maybe? 
I think this is his way of telling me he wants a shaver for Christmas. And to buy one for Zach Galifianakis too I think. 
Ohhhh he could be concealing my gift in the fro, what a perfect hiding place. Right? 
That or he believes his beard has magical powers just like his imaginary friend buddy Zachy.   


He does think that his magical beard gives him super strong strength for some reason. 
Jen called him and asked if he could help with some lights. She needed a man.  
His reply was: Yeah I'm a man, I have a beard! 
You also have man-junk you fool, beard just means you have a hairy face. 
I swear he's had that beard since he was 13. Mustache at 12. No joke. 
Being a man has nothing to do with that frothy ass animal on his face. 
Iv'e seen some notable mustaches on females and thick whiskered beards on some too. 
See it doesn't make one a man. Necessarily.  


When that shit is unkempt (yes a beard can be unkempt) he looks like a vagabond especially when he wears those Adida shoes that are falling apart at the seams but refuses to throw away. Believe me we almost jousted over it, I even was looking into a buying a lance until I got distracted by Stumbleupon (look it up it's pretty bad ass). 


It's not a patched beard either as you can see, it's moved in on restricted territory. D's face. 
It's quite impressive. 
Derek is a motherfucking hairy dude. 
I have never seen a beard on D. No scratch that. I have never seen a full blown mutton-chop on his face as such. 
I also have to thank Joaquin Phoenix for that massive frizz that was very inspiring to D. I'm sure.



Yeah thanks. 


Damn it Joaquin your head looks massive in that there picture. 
Maybe I should call Derek and ask for Joaquin Phoenix, see if he gets the reference. 
No...I'll wait it's not that long. Yet. 


Since we live like hermits our friends haven't got to see   Jesus' homeless baby brother  "The Beard" recently.   
This weekend he went to have wings by himself because I was out getting drunk somewheres. Our friend passed by him and says "He looks like my friend.....to much facial hair" and passes on by. It was him Xoch! Surprise! Mexi-santa Claws. 

*Check it son. Updated photo of the bum that's made his way into my home. 

Forgive the shirt. I don't know what the hell he was thinking here. Must be "Bum syndrome" I think. 
Ever since the beard took over our lives I am constantly getting the comb out to brush out the naps. Yes, the naps. Nappy ass beard. I peer into the darkness of the beard to see if there are any food particles left or animals that commandeered it for a home. 
I swear he reminded me of the twits, that Ronald Dahl book I read in like 4th grade. 
I keep reminding him to check his facial fro for remnants of condiments. I fear I will have to brush out moldy cheese from it soon. 
Shit be smelling if he doesn't shampoo it either. 


"Is that...is that Smash burger from like 3 days ago?!"
"What the fuck Derek?!! Go wash the facial fro dude, shit be reeking like homeless armpit." 
Fucking pube face. 
Yeah...FUCKING PUBE FACE. I said it. Me. Right here. 


I like the beard, but it's getting old now. 
The stubble was sexy as hell, I loved it. 
The beard is now getting out of control. 





Yeah. Out.of.control.


Derek is now a hobo. 

In real life. 

I don't remember what he really looks like anymore. 


Rox