Enunciate

Yesterday for St.-Green-Beer-hell-yeah-lets-get-our-drink-on-even-if-its-Thursday-and-I-have-to-work-in-the-fucking-morning day I found my drankin partner. Sam I am. 


I met up with her at some this bar. Shit I forgot the name. Oh Yard house. 
I had to wait for her because she was still driving to me and I needed a drink. 
I had a beer...by myself while I patiently waited. I was surrounded by a bunch of people dressed in green. Green shirts, green beads, green tu-tu's, green hats, green shoes, green piercing accessories and shit. DAYUM. People were fucking serious about this. 


I was wearing a dress. 
That was not green. 


No worries I didn't feel left out. Shit. It was a cute dress after all. 


Sam I am finally shows up and onward in our catching up drinking expedition starts. 
We talk about gangsta's, penis size, boners, being a whore/slut, and all of that other stuff you catch up with girlfriends talk. But mostly about dongs. 


We had a few beers and by that time my stomach announced that it was going to eat itself unless I got something other than beer in there. 
We finally get a seat after what seemed to be eternity and ordered our delicious food. 


After stuffing my face with delicious penne pasta with chicken and mushrooms...mmm, I was stuffed. Like I couldn't move, stuffed. Like my stomach bloated 5 times it's normal chubby, stuffed. Like I was going to blow up, stuffed. Like I might have passed out for a few seconds, stuffed.  Like I needed to take a motherfucking power nap, stuffed. You get the point I'm trying to make here, I was stuffed! 


So our server comes over and asks us if we needed anything else.
I say "Yeah I need a cot"
His eyes get big and he is all "What?" 
Sam is all "What?!" 
I am all "Yeah a cot, dude! I am tired" 
Relief washes over his face when I enunciate the 'T' at the end of coT. 


He thought I said cock. 


Silly boy, I told him I could use some of that too. 

Money Order

I transfer to ASU in the fall. 
Bout time me! I was beginning to think this was all a long ass dream. 


So getting all my papers and what not gathered together and sent off to the University, I realized that I needed to have my G.E.D transcripts sent as well. Yeah, G.E.D bitches. No high school diploma for a young mother who dropped out of school way too early to care for her baby girl. 


Don't scrutinize me. I still got shit done and done. 


Anyway...
There I am calling up the college I took my test at and nope, have to get my transcript from somewhere else. 
Ok easy enough. 
Call that place, they give me another number to call and hold. 
Call them people up and no they cannot help me I have to go online and do it myself. 


FINALLY I find the website, print the form and boom, ready to go.


Well not exactly. 


While I was ready to send a check these motherfuckers say "No credit cards, no personal checks, no this, no fucking that, ONLY MONEY ORDERS". 


That's right assholes ONLY MONEY ORDERS! Not even a god damn cashiers check! 

WHAT?!!! 


Why?!!

Sheesh. Who the fuck carries around money orders? Where the hell do I get one from? 
Because yeah I can be that dumb. 


Circle K and other fine stores carry these strange check things called Money Orders. 


I get to work this fabulous morning and get my papers ready to get sent off. 
Then I stare at this so-called money order.


What the fucking, how do you fill those things out? 


I mean it has a Pay to the order of line...okay check 
Purchaser line ... hmmmmm that's me right? check (I think)  
Address line... WHOSE ADDRESS? Mine? The Department of Education? The Circle K I got it from? PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC! 


Fuck you Money Orders. Right in the face. I'll rip your shit up to pieces if you don't tell me what to do!! All I can think is A=P(1+r/n) no wait... that's math. Then comes Piper nigrum a.k.a Black Pepper!...fuck that's Biology! 
What the hell brain! Work with me. 


No worries though because even after one of the attorney's here couldn't figure it out I gots to reading the receipt and BOOM there it was. 


Immediately complete this money order by filling in the front by signing and addressing it at the bottom.


Now I feel stupid. There is something terribly wrong with me. Must be all the work and school that is swallowing my life. haha I said swallow. 

Eyes on Me

Derek thinks that I am paranoid about people who stare. Fuck it maybe I am. 

I notice this gawking issue though probably more than most. 

I take in my surroundings people, I notice shit being done. 

To brush me off and act like what I say is wrong is wrong in itself D! 

People stare at me. It makes me itchy and uncomfortable. I always think that there is something wrong with me, that or as Derek would put it "paranoid". 

I have proven this to him though, several times about the eagle eyes on me. 

Walking into Mimi's Cafe~

We walked in to ask for a table and the snooty girl looks me down then up and turns to show us our table. 

Nudge on the arm, shaking my head..."See Derek that is the shit I am talking about" Nudge, nudge. 

"What are you talking about?" He asks all confused knowing damn well he knows what is coming.

"Did you NOT see that bitch just look at me like that? In front of me???!! What the fuck?" I respond once snooty bitch was out of range. 

What the hell? 

I wore a dress yesterday. A cute red and pink dress I bought. I looked like a chubby school girl, it was adorable. Length  and cut was perfect for work. Heels were on point and all that jazz. 

Everything was going fine, I was feeling like 5 bucks all over the office. No one noticed me, which is preferable. 

Then I went to lunch at the cafe downstairs.

Every other person was starting at me while I was waiting for my food to be called up. 

I am not talking about the oops-I-just-glanced-and-got-caught-looking-at-you I am talking about the full head down to the motherfucking toes eyeballs rolling away once done stare down. 

Did I tuck my dress into my undies? Did I have a glob of Derek's magical shot glass juice in my hair? COME ON! 

I felt naked. I immediately called D and told him because I was feeling super fucking itchy at that point and needed something to do with my hands. 

"Hello" 

"People are staring at me Derek" I whispered

*Sigh "What?" I could hear the same exasperated tone in his voice

"I feel like something is wrong with me. All kinds of folks is staring at me right fucking now" Is all I said awkwardly looking at my pretty feet. 

"I have to go, just ignore them"  He said

Click.

Fuck, now what? 

They were STARING, those fucking corporate assholes. All I wanted to do was eat some fucking sangwhich alone without a bother. BUT NO people wanted to make me feel like my dress was see-through or something.  

Omg. Was my dress see-through? Shit. I couldn't tell because I was wearing it. I don't look at myself in the reflection of the building for fear of hating the way I am dressed. I avoid that shit. 

Then I went to school. More people stared. 

People have serious staring problems. (Jen you know what I am talking about!! AHAHAHAHA...we won't go there right now.) 

No but seriously, stop looking at me, I am not that person who is a walking model. Haha. Cough. 

I almost choked with that one. 

I am an average looking twentysomethingorother woman.  

Stop starting at me people, you make me itch!

Full-House

Not that Danny Tanner shit either. 


I am talking about the tribe that is living under my roof. 


I have been busy, busy, busy, with school, work, homework and well that is pretty much it but shit I haven't even been posting here like I usually do. And who notices? No one. 


Now that I know you fuckers don't give a shit about a missing blogger (That's me) I will continue on with this rant about the madhouse also known as my fucking home. 


Days are starting to blur into each other I swear. So the other night after working 8 hours and going to school for 5 more hours I get home and I see some big ass Tahoe parked in front of my house. 


Shit is that my sister? I thought.


It was that or I was losing my god damn mind. Sure enough it was my sister. 
And her gremlins. All 5 of them, plus my mother, my youngest sister, Derek and my 2 demon children. 


What the fuck? 


Ahem, what the hell is this mess I walked into? Who's house am I at? 
Where is my bottle of wine because I can sure use some now. 


Why did I feel like I walked into a overnight daycare nightmare? 


Turns out my sister is leaving her husband of almost 9 years.
About fucking time you fucking whore bag! I have been waiting for this for such a long ass time. 


Hell yeah you can stay at my house for a few days while you look for an apartment, as long as you don't go back to that short-as-shit-retard-of-a-husband because if you do I swear I will go ape shit on your ass. 


I will be losing my mind trying to figure out how to feed 12 mouths. 
Fuck that...DEREK where are you?


I feel sick thinking about the messes I have to clean. 

Just Dance

We rented "Just Dance" on the Wii. 


It's impressive if can you keep up with the moves. 
I tried and was sweating like I hiked up a fucking mountain in the middle of summer. 


We got it for my 14 year old sister because she supposedly likes to dance, grind, boogie, step however kids her age be dancing. 


Instead I find my almost 50 year old mother dancing her shit off to The Pussycat Dolls – "When I Grow Up" and my 14 year-old sister is sitting on the couch moving just her arms. 


Shit mom! Really? No fucking wonder you had so many kids. You guys should have seen that woman sway to and fro. She had moves people. Real fucking moves. Probably better than mine. 


I walked into the living room and I see her dancing to some weird ass jungle tempo shit having the time of her life. Ass shaking like a motherfucking salt shaker. I would have thought she was having some sort of anxiety attack had I not seen the Wii controller in her hand. 


Mom please don't ever do that shit in public...ever.  


My son also learned all the words to Ke$has "ticky tock" song. 
That bitch... KeSha why don't you shut your stupid trashy mouth up? 
You are creating a monster in my home! 


Thankfully we only rented that game. 
I don't know how much more of my mother's dancing to Ke$ha I could have taken. 
I tried to look away, but at the same time I just had to look and laugh it all off.  


Just dance..my ass, more like "Just sweat your chubby ass on outta here." 


All in good fun people. Buy the game if you need to distract your 50 year old mother. 

Pick of the Day

Check it! 
That's me the first one!!!


Editor's Pick of the motherfucking day.
WHy? I have no clue. Like really. I don't know why. 
But I will accept, thank you Bloggers @ Bloggers.com
That is a lot of blogi. 


Do I look like that? Weird.  


I don't remember why I started using Bloggers. Probably to be a blog whore but no ones counting how many sites that link back to me. (only 5, shhhh ) Yeah no one's counting.

Now I have a few more followers. I am excited and scared at the same time. 


In other news:


Jen asked me to go spray tanning today. 


"What? Fuck no!" was the usual response to any of her questions. 
Crazy bitch. You should know better than to ask my light skinned ass.

I don't like orange. 


It does not look good on me. 


So when I told that wench no she says to me "Thats hilarious!! im gonna buy some from the store and get you drunk, spray you down and take inappropriate pictures of you"


CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! 


Bring on the spray tan, beer and/or vino, jello pit and camera. 


I'll be waiting in my dominatrix outfit.


Over and out people see you on the other side. 

Hair to my Crack

I cut my hair. 

My long beautiful mane thatalmostreachedmyass. My awesome locks, and tufts of baby hairs...chopped. Lopped off with fancy ass scissors. Hacked with a precise hand. 

No longer am I able to look up and have my butt crack tickled with my split ends anymore. It makes me kind of sad. 

That AND the fact that my sister told me I look more Asian than I did before. It's the fucking bangs. 

I didn't walk up to the stylist and say "Chinese please!" all though it looks that way. 

Oh...my hair does not cover my knobs like I said I needed it too either! 

I will have to wait for my hair to grow out before I can do my infamous "Naked in the Dumpster" photo shoot again. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! 

Although I like it. I really do. I look different. It's cute according to my demon children. 

Thanks Jes for hooking me up. 

I am not going to use real names because I don't want to embarrass the person who has the softest lips that I remember and is a fantastic kisser. 

Shit...did I just say that? 

Oops. 

I mean...

I will not blog about that one person who I was infatuated with in high school and still possibly.
This doesn't count right? 

This person will not marry me. Unless I pay them $10,000. And right about now I don't have $10k laying around to be used for a bribed marriage. What a fucking shame. 

Shit I'm doing it again. Okay I'll stop. 

My hair, yes that is what we were talking about not that one person who is still gorgeous after all this time. 

Sheesh, I swear my mind lives in the gutter 11 months of the year. 

My new hair cut gave me the same bullshit at the bar though. 

Jen and I were sitting enjoying our cold beers Saturday night when suddenly a snazzy dressed fella comes up and says the usual "Hi I'm Retard (Not his real name I just didn't care to remember) what's your name?" 

Then proceeds to ask something else that I couldn't understand: 

"What is fkirahj iajfhiobhu jnionhoh?" 

"WHAT?" I yelled over the blaring music.

"I said what ijfnhjbnhjk huhafi jioahgio?" He says

"DUDE I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING" I reply then look at his friend to help out because I could not hear him. 

He gets super close to my ear and says "I asked what background are you?" 

shit.this.again?

What I really wanted to say was "Why would you ask a stranger that, what the fuck is your problem?"

What I really said was "Why would you ask a stranger that, what the fuck is that? Do you go up to strangers all the time and ask them what they are?"

Close enough.

He looked at me like ??? what the ????

Yeah, he didn't. That is what I thought. I was going to try to be nice about it, I forgot I was trying to accept this Asianess. I forgot. So I yelled at him. 

I asked him if people asked him what he was. No? Okay. Point proven, it is fucking rude. 

Oh yeah its purply. My new hair.