Communications

I ran into a guy I had a communications course a few semesters ago with the other night while attempting to to quadratic functions. *I fail at math as you know. 
We reminisced about our class together and he reminded me of the last speech I did.

I felt my face get red because this was one of the most unsuspecting sentimental moments in my life and he along with the rest of that class witnessed it.   


Small communications...
This was one of the most interesting classes I have ever taken.
I grew a lot with this one. 
We did about six speeches in front of about 25 people that semester. 
It was really embarrassing at first, everyone's hands shook, voices quivered, faces flushed, stuttering occurred, sweating happened, "like" was said a tad to many times, it was very fun to watch when I wasn't the one making a fool out of myself. 
By the end of the semester everyone improved significantly, it was amazing. 
I noticed a difference in myself, especially after that magnificent Britney Spears speech I gave. 


About this last speech, it was supposed to be a "special occasion" address if you will. 
I was confused at first. 


What kind of speech?
Oh special occasion...I see, I see...
Hmmm, well what exactly constitutes a special occasional? While ideas swirled in that little brain of mine. 
Eulogy, wedding, valedictorian, graduation...that kind of special?
Ohhhhkay I get it...
I think


I was stumped with this subject. 
What in the name of David Hasselhoff's burgerific boogie night was I going to write and present? 
There was no way in Hades I was going to make some shit up and try to pass it off as "special occasion" jargon. 
It needed to be authentic. 
I needed to go out with a big bang.  


There was much deliberation and procrastination with this last speech. 
I thought long and hard. 
Then completely forgot about it. 
Until the day of class. 


We sat there for a while blank page and I sharing a whole lot of nothings. 
Then a burst of brilliance hit me almost last minute.
I was going to do a speech that was mostly a thank you of sorts to Derek. 


Words spilled onto page feverishly and next thing you know my thank you was complete.  
It was easier that I originally thought. 


The last speech night was the best because we had all past the embarrassment stage and weren't being recorded to critique ourselves any longer. Hallelujah! 
Of course I waited until almost last to go because I didn't know if a thank you was good enough to be deemed special. 

Naïve me. How cute. 

I stepped up to the mini stage paper in hand and started speeching like a whiz. 
I can't remember where I put that paper now BUT I do recall saying something equal to:


"If it wasn't for Derek I would have never found the courage and motivation to be doing all the things I'm doing...........(longest pause of my fucking life) .......in my life now..." Then more delay. Suspenseful delay! I finally composed myself and hurriedly continued to complete the almost, close to most embarrassing moment of my life right after falling in the mud while trying to show off in front of a boy I like so much in 3rd grade. 


What I didn't mention in that there paragraph was during that longest pause of my fucking life was that I had to stop and look up because immediately I felt my throat constrict and my eyes got hot and sweaty, I spewed out a hard ass sob for a millisecond I kept telling myself to think of old ladies in football gear or mini Big Macs dancing in tutu's but it didn't work out. Everyone was looking at me and waiting. 
"In my life now...."
Knot in throat got slightly bigger. Heart was pounding so loud. My ears were pulsating to the rhythm of my corazon. 
I slowed it all down and took a deep breath.
Just when I thought I had it together
Little old ladies in football gear, Big Mac tutu's....tutu's....gear of footballs...
I fucking started crying. 
In the middle of my speech. 
A speech about Derek being my biggest inspiration and motivation in my life. 
Fiery crocodile tears rolled down my face streaking my mascara CRYING. 


Yeah.
In.front.of.everyone.
I was mortified beyond anything I have ever known. 
Little me doesn't cry! WHO CRIES IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING SPEECH? 
Apparently I do.   


I almost looked around to see if there was some kind of sad movie playing somewhere.
I didn't know where these tears came from or why this was happening to me.  
I wasn't supposed to be the one who broke down. 
That was strictly reserved for that lady who burnt the Virgin De Guadalupe on her toast and had a vision or that boy who got out of war stricken Somalia and almost died, not for my measly thank you. 


Once finished I quickly sat down, face burning mad fire, and just looked down at my dirty, scratched desk. 
I couldn't face the people after that little detonation. 


What the fuck happened up there? 
I never felt so exposed in my life. 


Jesus. 


So thank you George for making me re-live that moment. 
All though he did say that I made our instructor cry. He was touched. 
Apparently I made the whole class weepy. Score! 
Everyone loved it or maybe they just wanted to see someone cry at least once in that class. 


Yeah I'm awesome and went out with a bang as planned. 
You're welcome Com225.


Rox