Cultivated

Derek and I went to lunch few days ago and I just had to ask a question that has been haunting bothering me for quite some time. 


Me: "Derek, am I ever going to look like a grown up?"
Derek: "What? What does that mean?"
Me: "Well I feel like I don't look like a grown up. Compared to other people I mean."
Derek: ???? 


You see I noticed this a while back when I was a few years younger. 
I observed ladies that would walk/sashay into a place and look like adult women. You know grown-ups. 


Now me...well I still look like a kid. Sort of I suppose. Small tits don't help any either. 


Which isn't bad at all, but people tend to take me less serious than they would a grown ass woman. Get where I am going here?


Of course old ass ladies get the most respect because well....who gives a shit they just do. When it comes to my young generation they/we seem to fuck it all up. Look at the weird crap we did/do. It is horrible. Don't get me started on all of that I am just making a point. 


People just don't take me seriously (though most of the time they shouldn't) they think I am a kid and I just HATE, HATE, HATE when I hear some shit like cooing "Ohhhh your just a babyyyy."
SLAP IN THE FACE is what that is. 
What the fuck did you just say to me? 
Don't mock me with your condescending tone bitch, I will cut you!
A baby? No lookie here cunt that is only a few years older than me, my 3 year old isn't even a baby he is a toddler. I am no where near being a baby.
I have a house, a car that is paid off, a real motherfucking job, I have two kids and have been through possibly more shit than you have ever seen in your miserable life so don't go calling me a baby insinuating that I have no life experience to speak of. Fuck off you! 
Seriously this really gets me in a foul ass mood. Every.single.time. 


I am only (please hold let me check) 25 but still. 
When am I going to look like a grown woman? Ever?


Do I sound crazy? 
Shit. 
I knew this was going to happen.
I sound crazy. 


Derek tells me that if I keep burnin up them cigarettes I'll look a lot older with the wrinkles I will get from smoking. That is not the kind of older I was talking about. 
It's the presence of a more mature female that I meant, not the silvering hair or the crows feet. 
They just seem more sophisticated is all.
 And I well ....I like to say "fuck, shit, shut the fuck up, motherfucker, asshole, dickhead.... " the good words/gestures and the like. 
These are not really in the more refined womans vocabulary are they?
I don't hear these ladies talking about what my girlfriends and I talk about on a daily basis: rooster. Don't be scared Lady Sophistication it won't kill you to say penis once in your life. 
I refuse to give that up, I wouldn't know how to function in a world without the feel good words.   


Is it my stout little body that doesn't make look more...cultivated? 
Maybe its my posture? 
I just don't understand. 
Even my 3rd graders teacher looks at me like 'Are you her mom or her older sister?'


Fuck it, I'll stay young since I can't seem to develop any longer any way. 
Maybe someday I will look like a grown-up woman. 
Perhaps a Balenciaga bag and Christian Louboutins will help. No? Surely a child/baby can't afford those. 


Pssshh baby my ass. 
Don't call me baby unless you are my lover. 


Rox