The Boy

The boy.
My boy is three years old. 
Highly intelligent humanoid child. 



Baby D
Don't let his sleeping face fool you. 


With a memory like one wouldn't believe. The boy remembers all. 
For instance last night he put his little monkey slippers on, walks torwads the garage and says "Remember I burned my foot on Halloween Mom?" 
How could I forget? He was wearing those same monkey slippers and he stepped on my candle! 
Shit I thought he would have forgotten about that! Hello, Halloween was like forever ago in children's age!  


We went to Flagstaff almost a year ago and played in the snow. Baby D was in a inflatable duck the whole time. It was sweet. Few weeks ago I was going through a box and came across some of our snow gear so I put it on the couch. Baby D said "Remember we went to the snow?" 
"Yeah I do son, how do you remember?" questioning his memory skills. "Can we go again?"


He remembers everything! Disneyland, Flagstaff, Halloween, Santa, his old friends, me yelling at daddy, it is becoming a issue of how to take back the stuff he remembers. 


He is super awesome though. Sometimes. But mostly he is evil. 
I am convinced that he absolutely knows what he is doing even though he gives me those confused line between the brows, head cocked to the side, what-are-you-talking-about-mom, bright eyed look. 
I am on to you little one. I AM ON TO YOU!


How does one stop a 3 year old from doing something that you absolutely hate? 

I have no fucking clue and need some help.  

Yelling and throwing pillows does not work. Neither does ignoring him.  
Hog tying him and tossing him in the closet seems like a bit much. 
Showing him the belt used to work, until he found out that it wasn't going to be used to spank his ass. It's purely for show. 
Withholding items might work but how ridiculous would it be to tell him he can't play games on my computer? He knows how to use my laptop more than my mother! Awww his tiny little fingers clicking on Dora games and hitting the space bar to jump. Damn it, it's just to cute to tell him no. Plus that is how Derek and I get to watch a dvr'd show we would never be able to watch if he was running amok. 


The issue: 

You see my son has this problem with rubbing his tiny man-junk all over the fucking house. 

Wait, I mean anywhere he can. Yeah that means when we go to a restaurant/store, wherever we go he will grind his shit into the table or seat. 


I come home from work & school after a long ass day hoping that when I close our louder than the devil's chainsaw garage door my children will run up to me and shower me with hugs, kisses and tell me how much they missed me and love me soooo soooo much. Instead I walk into my son playing games on my laptop while humping the floor. 


*Sigh


Seriously.
Is this normal? 
I didn't grow up with boys so I am not sure how to handle the floor/chair/couch/table/blanket humping situation. 
Sounds about right but Baby D does it excessively. 


I will yell "Pumpkin, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" He immediately picks himself up and looks at me innocently and yells "NOTHING MOM!" 
You just got caught kid, fess up! He won't though. 


I do tell him that I am going to tape his pee-pee if he doesn't stop.  
He starts running around in crazy circles and yells "DON'T TAPE MY PEE-PEE MOM!!!"
I have never done it so I really don't know why he is scared of the taped penis. 


Baby D has been doing this for a while. Maybe it's just a phase? 
Shit, please, please, please be a phase!!!! 
Did I mention he is only 3? Yeah only 3, tres, three, tri. 
What if he turns into some kind of rubbing monster and becomes obsessed by it? 
I will be screwed. School is going to be a fucking nightmare with him. 


I don't know how to handle little boys and their boy bits. Derek doesn't say much about it, making me assume that this is normal to him because he used to be that kid pulverizing his pelvis into the carpet. 


Oh my god, how am I supposed to handle it when he goes through puberty? 
Just ignore those giant crusty white stains on his sheets? (I heard this is what I have to look forward to) 
The massive amounts of tissues/lotion he goes through? (Dude, obviously I don't know what the boys will use in the future but I am sure lotion will be used still...right?) 
Please tell me it's not that bad? PLEASE! GO AHEAD JUST LIE TO ME. 


I think I am making myself sick right now. 
It's to late to give him back, he calls me mommy and last night he told me I was the best mommy in the world. Tears my eyes up. 


Damn it he is adorable. Advice welcomed on the boy-bits issue. 


Merry Christmakwanzahanukkah y'all, I hope I get the shoes I want.
Rox