Rippin One

Come on everyone, you've smelled it before...shit breath.


Some call it halitosis, I say it's shit and it is nasty. 


Please, if your breath is offensive try your best to cover it up. 
There have been a few instances where I think I might have vomited a little bit in my own mouth due to someone's lack of brushing teeth. 


I want to talk about something else that smells like shit (sometimes not always), farts. 


While getting dressed this morning Derek says to me "Hey does the fridge need some WD 40 or what?" I was confused for a moment but then realized I let one loose in the kitchen. 
Good ear D, good ear.  


Now Derek, I do have to say that you have the most rotten smelling gas in the world. 


I yelled at him this morn not to be farting on my side of the bed. That cheese would stay on the mattress for life and I don't want to lay in gassy stench until we get a new mattress. 


He doesn't have the tiny whispering ones that go silently and dissipate evenly with minimal odor. He has the ones that can kill live flowers on sight with the stench of death. Everything wilts in its wake. 


ALAS! 


I gave it a new name today, I call it halitosis of the ass. It works right? Where's my WebMd contract for employment bitches?!


Halitosis of the ass: Repulsive odor ejected from the ass region. Number known to suffer from this, Unknown. Cause - unknown in nature, likely to be diet but perhaps medical condition. Or rotting intestines. Treatments - unknown to you sorry saps who's asses smells like continuous cycles of shitty ass breath.  
     
Derek has it. This new disease that's not really new but who gives a shit. I am uncertain if there is any cure at the moment. Derek seems to think that there is.  
I swear I sometimes think that something is dying inside of him. He said he going to try eating more pineapples. What the hell? Hypothesis, experiment, here we go. 


So he happens to be very flatulent, probably to much but what can I do? Tell him to stop eating burning hot wings and beer? Probably.
What is going to happen when he is elderly and has no control over his halitosis of the ass? You think diapers cover the vapors? I might have to get him some now that I am really putting some thought into this. 


The big thing that really gets me about his smelly wind is that he gives zero warning when about to blow. Yeah none. 


Can a person die if subjected to massive amounts of dutch ovening? I might have died a few times from that. 


Another note why is it that guys farts smell much worse than the female populations? 
Is it the foods? Or what the hell am I talking about because I know some of you ladies out there have some Halitosis of the Ass too! 
I don't think I do. I hope I don't. 
Damn you HALITOSIS OF THE ASS! DAMN YOU! 


We will someday find a cure for you D. Pinky promise.