Rippin One

Come on everyone, you've smelled it before...shit breath.


Some call it halitosis, I say it's shit and it is nasty. 


Please, if your breath is offensive try your best to cover it up. 
There have been a few instances where I think I might have vomited a little bit in my own mouth due to someone's lack of brushing teeth. 


I want to talk about something else that smells like shit (sometimes not always), farts. 


While getting dressed this morning Derek says to me "Hey does the fridge need some WD 40 or what?" I was confused for a moment but then realized I let one loose in the kitchen. 
Good ear D, good ear.  


Now Derek, I do have to say that you have the most rotten smelling gas in the world. 


I yelled at him this morn not to be farting on my side of the bed. That cheese would stay on the mattress for life and I don't want to lay in gassy stench until we get a new mattress. 


He doesn't have the tiny whispering ones that go silently and dissipate evenly with minimal odor. He has the ones that can kill live flowers on sight with the stench of death. Everything wilts in its wake. 


ALAS! 


I gave it a new name today, I call it halitosis of the ass. It works right? Where's my WebMd contract for employment bitches?!


Halitosis of the ass: Repulsive odor ejected from the ass region. Number known to suffer from this, Unknown. Cause - unknown in nature, likely to be diet but perhaps medical condition. Or rotting intestines. Treatments - unknown to you sorry saps who's asses smells like continuous cycles of shitty ass breath.  
     
Derek has it. This new disease that's not really new but who gives a shit. I am uncertain if there is any cure at the moment. Derek seems to think that there is.  
I swear I sometimes think that something is dying inside of him. He said he going to try eating more pineapples. What the hell? Hypothesis, experiment, here we go. 


So he happens to be very flatulent, probably to much but what can I do? Tell him to stop eating burning hot wings and beer? Probably.
What is going to happen when he is elderly and has no control over his halitosis of the ass? You think diapers cover the vapors? I might have to get him some now that I am really putting some thought into this. 


The big thing that really gets me about his smelly wind is that he gives zero warning when about to blow. Yeah none. 


Can a person die if subjected to massive amounts of dutch ovening? I might have died a few times from that. 


Another note why is it that guys farts smell much worse than the female populations? 
Is it the foods? Or what the hell am I talking about because I know some of you ladies out there have some Halitosis of the Ass too! 
I don't think I do. I hope I don't. 
Damn you HALITOSIS OF THE ASS! DAMN YOU! 


We will someday find a cure for you D. Pinky promise. 

Why I Hate People (Part 3)

I have Biology 100 this semester. 
I figured as any other retard would, that since it is a 100 class it is one of the easier classes. 
This is in fact false. It is hard unless you have the memory capacity of a slim new Apple.
What the fuck is all this about protein, iodine, starch, bullshit about? What the hell? 


To make matters worse. 
Hold on I am getting heated up thinking about what happened this last lab...OHHHH breathe, breathe, breathe. 
Ok, here is what happened.


Biology class is from 5:30 p.m.- 6:45 p.m. and lab from 7:00 p.m.-9:40 p.m. 


This is after working a full 8 hours bytheway. 
So I stroll into this class just in the nick of time.
Traffic is shitty going to this campus, finding parking is even shittier. 
I sit down and we start immediately on a paper due for discussion in my pod.
We discuss. While discussing my neighbor thought it would be ok to talk about some other bullshit that no one really cared about. I got a little, just a little irritated. 


After an early break we went back to lab so we can hurry and get out of class early. 
I got paired up with my neighbor who I will call "Asshole" for now, so we start on our lab. 
NEVER FUCKING AGAIN. 
Let me just say that he was the dumbest asshole I have ever partnered up with in school. 


Asshole kept on talking and talking and talking and trying to be cute. I don't know if he thought his joking was funny. It was not.
This is when 'tha bitch' in me came out. I just wanted to get the shit done so I could make it home by 8:40. THATS ALL I WANTED IN LIFE AT THAT MOMENT. THATS ALL!
I looked at him with my killer vampire glare after he said with a goofy ass voice "I know I can sometimes be obnoxious" giggle, giggle .... Really muthafucka?
My reply was "Yeah, reallly?" Seeping with sarcasm. 
"I am used to being around older people, you know ADULTS." Big smile. 
He looks at me like "What did you just say bitch?" while his nasty thick untrimmed nose hairs threatened to jump out and sucker punch me.
I couldn't stand to look at him any longer. 
Just shut the fuck up and work fool! 
My fist wanted to punch him soo bad, they ached. 
He sat around for a whole 10 minutes doing nothing while I was doing the work and this is what led us to stay 20 minutes after everyone left class. Every single person except for the instructor, everyone. 
I don't know why he was so upset to stay after, he was the one sitting on his ass doing a whole lot of nothing. 
Asshole kept on huffing and puffing because of his obliviousness to his inability to pay attention to detail kept on evading him. 


10 minutes after everyone left no longer was I 'just a little irritated' I was full-blown infuriated.


15 minutes after everyone left I was infuriated and about to have a mental breakdown or go postal. OHMYGOD!


20 minutes after everyone left I was ready to follow asshole out of class and beat his ass to a pulp. 


Unfortunately for me, I suck. I was left alone with the instructor and the dirty vials that he so kindly left for me to wash. motherfuckingfuckingfuck! 


FUCKING DICK HEAD. 


This is only week 2. 


I SWEAR IF HE FUCKING LOOKS, GLANCES, PEEKS, PEERS, EYEBALLS or even CONTEMPLATES LOOKING AT ME I WILL cut off my pubes and stick them in the middle of a piece of gum;(I gave him a piece last night) re-wrap that shit and happily give it to him to chew and when he says "There's a hair in my gum" I will not laugh but be humbly surprised and say "Hey man that looks like a pube to me, you should call the gum company and see what that is about." 

Fucking asshole. 

This is why I hate people. 


*Update
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