The Wizz

~Last Week~


As Friday afternoon came winding down to the last minutes of work I frantically realized one crucial thing: I didn't have any plans. 


I messaged mi amiga to get some info on where the party was. 
Since I am without "The Facebooks." 


Then the brilliant idea hit me: "Tha strip club" 
 It's been a long time since I have seen jiggly ta-ta's and hung out with my friends. 
The perverted ones anyway.


To bad for me no one wanted to go. 
I had my dollars folded neatly and was ready to roll. 


I went home and ate some taquitos instead.


~ 5 Hours Later~


Mi Amiga was ready to go. But not to a strip club, unfortunately for me. 
We headed out to Scottsdale armed to the teeth with our booze faces on.  


We got to our destination and sat to chat about the usual things us men ladies talk about. 
20 minutes into our people watching a man beast came and sat at our table. Uninvited. 


Dick. 


After criticizing my posture (which is awesome by the way) and smile, we decided silently that we would let this douche sack buy us drinks. 


That's what insults costs now-a-days. 


This did NOT mean that we were going home with him. Which unfortunately for him is what he thought was going to happen.


Guys are such idiots. 


He tried his hardest to get us to his place by INSISTING that we were wasted and couldn't drive. 


SHUT.THE.FUCK.UP! 
Man beast.


We didn't even need for you to buy us drinks. 
I had my stripper money handy. Remember. 


We weren't even close to being drunk. Sure we had enough to make the night a memorable one. But we were NOT drunk. I could still make out the pores on his face. That is not drunk. 


While dancing at 1:40ish in the morning, we decided to make a run for it and get the hell out of dodge. So we took off as fast as my high heels and her boots could take us. 


Unfortunately I had V.I.P parking. 
You know, when THAT car gets the parking that everyone wants, up front, closest parking spot ever. 


That is where I parked. 
Right in front of our ditched men beasts. 


Sure they were pissed. But honestly who cares it was only 6 drinks, not like they bought us a car. 


We left. Left the men beast in the dust. 


I didn't drive, I just sat in the passenger seat giggling like a high school girl who got her first orgasm. 


The closer we got to my house my designated driver kept saying "I have to peeeee". 


Same friend that is used to peeing behind buildings at 3 in the morning with me. 
The one that makes it a game of "Who has the biggest piss puddle?"
The same bitch who can air dry her mound and call it a night.  
The same friend that can and will urinated where ever she pleases, literally. 


I just kept hearing "I have to piss" over and over again.  
I got it. She had to pee. 


We pulled up to my house and I had to unlock her car from my carport area. 
While she yelled at me to "Hurry the fuck up, I need to GO!"


I gave her my house keys and told her to open the door and use the bathroom. 
Because hello! That is where the toilet is located. In the bathroom. 


I couldn't resist laughing. She really had to go. 


She ran to my door and was frantically trying to unlock my gate. 
To no avail. 
I heard her shouting and grunting, like a half dead camel.  
Who cares if it was 2:30 in the morning.  


I forgot to tell her she had to jiggle it a few times to get my gate to un-stick. Oops. 


Finally after a few seconds, I calmly walked over to her, grabbed the keys and started unlocking the bolts.
Meanwhile she started to get into a squatting position trying her damn hardest to control her bladder. 


Next words of hers were: "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO PEE RIGHT NOW!!!!" 
I was laughing so hard trying to open the door that I couldn't even get it opened. 
I doubled over because my abs couldn't take the assaulting laughter.


FINALLY, the threshold was opened. Voilà. 


Seeing my friend glued to her position on the floor, mere inches from my front door, laughing so hard. I couldn't help but to laugh and laugh hard and loud. Sorry neighbors I am not usually this much of an asshole. 

Designated Driver: "OH.MAGAWD.IM.PEEEEING" 

Right in front of my entrance way. 

Bitch tinkled on my porch.

I think I am going to start calling her "The Wizz" 


*Sigh


On a positive note:
At least she didn't shit herself.