You Remember When That Bitch Stole My Life...NO?

You are probably wondering what the fuck I am talking about. 

I often wonder the same. 

You see, I am a creature of habit. 

Okay, it's boring and predictable. But that's me!

That has been who I have been for the last 20 some thing or other odd years. 

I eat at the usual spots, same foods, same shit day in and day out. 

When I do switch it up something like, say a restaurant, I will still eat what I usually eat otherwise.  

I am comfortable with that. 

When nothing on the menu is recognizable...It irks me to the ump-th degree. 

When things change, I get itchy. 

I am bugging the fuck out about ...............

.....

...

.............

......

NOW

I changed something. 

Like a rift in time, I got sucked into spontaneous moment and said "Just do it", like Nike, but without the shoes. Those were at home. 

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. 

Remember:

ME + CREATURE OF HABIT = COMFORT

ME + NON-HABITS = UNCOMFORTABLE SHIT 

I don't like change. 

But hell I am out-of-control at the moment, so I did it. 

Yeah it. 

Spontaneous me, rarely sees the light of day. I don't like that bitch. She flares up every so often. 

I always kick myself in the cooter when I think about it afterwards. When I let that whore take over. 

Today, I am kicking, punching, and possibly slapping the cooter because of my haste decision. 

Should I get to the point already? 

Fine. 

Look: 

That's me.

 

Anything new you ask. 

Yeah, my fucking hair. 

Its... err.... well....not me. 

You're probably thinking "oh looks nice." 

It's not done yet. We need to take her into the deeper reds. She is not red. 

Last night I took one look at myself and thought, fuck...top of my head is all ... well...ginger.

WHAAAAATTT? *You say. 

Remember that was last night. Mmmm Hmmm. Last. Night. 

The darkness conceals. Very impressive darkness. You almost had me, you sneaky bastard. 

AND THEN! This morning I drag my ass out of bed and hit the restroom. Eyes closed. Sit down.

Do my business. Wipe.  Stand up. Open my eyes. BAMMMMM! Got bitch slapped by my reflection. 

"Who the fuck is that?!" (Mouth gaped open, wide) Looking at myself in the mirror

"Oh shit. Hasty decision" (Tears almost welling up) 

"SHIT. SHIT. SHIT" (Anger building) 

FUCK!!

Ok. Ok. It's like a bad dream. I'll wake up. Surely. 

That little whore, spontaneous...she got out again. 

Well people. It seems to be about the longest nightmare of my life. Because I still have not woken up from this hellish slumber.

I got dressed with a shower cap this morning. If I couldn't see it, it wasn't real. 

Makes sense to me. 

It worked. 

Until I had to brush it. 

That strangers hair. 

On my head. 

My house was dark as I readied myself for work. 

I got nervous as I stepped outside. Into the sunlight. NATURAL LIGHT! NOOOOO!

No artificial junk either. No darkness to conceal. I felt like a vampire. Hissing and shit. Looking around in all directions. 

Because change does that to me. Makes me all paranoid. 

Got into my car. Took a deep breath. Opened my mirror overhead.

And to my horror. I was more ginger than ever!

SEE!!!!

That. Is. Ginger.

Don't believe me! 

Google it! 

IMAGES DON'T LIE!!

Unless they are photoshopped. Which mine isn't. Obviously. Since I don't even know how to rotate my picture. 

I have absolutely nothing against orange heads. It's just that, I am not suited to wear this color. It clashes with my dark eyebrows. 

I have always dyed my hair black or urple. Never have I gone off the deep end. 

What happened to me?

I am was creature of mother-fucking habit!!!! 

My life was stolen. I NEED my habits back please! 

I swear I have never made fun of people with naturally orange hair. Promise. Except for Louis C.K., but that asshole is hilarious and I am sure he appreciated it. 

 

Please make this go away. 

Please?