Walk

I have been m.i.a.
Apologies. 
Let's not discuss that at this moment, or ever. 


Let's move on with it. 


I graduate soon. 
Soon as in about 22 days and counting. 
It was like a lifetime away. I started so long ago, or so it seems. 
Days are going by so slow, time is mocking me. Incessantly.  


Monday I went to pick up my cap, gown and cord.
A fancy red cord. Oh-la-la. High distinction. 
Not that anyone cares, I just wanted to put that out there because I am proud of me. .


I gathered my big girl graduating items and I pictured my walk. 
You know "THE WALK". 
I might have stood there for numerous minutes smiling into the air on how I will walk onto the stage to snatch receive my diploma. 


I like to assume that I have a sweet swagger or so I think I do. 
Yeah I practiced before. So what. 


I want do that walk like John Travolta on Saturday Night Fever. You know the one.
It's only like the most awesomest walk in the world. 
Uhhhh, I LOVE that walk. Maybe I love it a bit too much. Who doesn't!!!
 It's so seductive and full of fuck yeah's.  


I have made up my mind.
That is the walk I will be doing, as the hobos I bribed off the street cheer for me in the bleachers. 
"WHOOOOA, GO GIRL!" Beggar Billy McBain will be screaming "YEAH ROX!" while JT picks his meth face yelling "YOU DID IT!" The drunk one will be hollering "I NEED A BEER! WHEN YOU GONNA PAY ME!"  I will be called up to the stage doing the leg, hip, sway, bop, leg.

"Staying Alive" will be playing in my head on full blast. I will grab my diploma, shake someones hand, turn smile for the camera and swagger off the stage. BAM done.
It will be remembered. Forever. I will be remembered as that crazy bitch who did some weird walk, or that one chick who almost fell off the stage because she lost her footing. 


*Sigh


Maybe I will just walk up there and get my diploma like a normal person. 

I'm No Expert

I would love to know why some people don't know about condoms.

For instance: Jen discreetly asked me about something that she inventoried not that long ago something by the name of XXL Magnum. 

Word for word, our conversation. 

Jen: What's XXL Magnum condom? 

Me: A massive condom for massive roosters. 

Poor Jen. 

Then today she tells me about getting some non-latex condoms, I tell her go with the Lamb skin condoms.

To which she replies "Lamb what? SKYN arent those non latex condoms"

What the fuck do I look like a condom expert?

Because I am no condom expert. 

I just grab and go. 

GRAB AND FUCKING GO. 


Wrap before you tap is all I'm trying to say. 


All though I do have to say I couldn't stop laughing this one time what's his face put a glow in the dark condom on. It was so glowy. and awesome. 

POW POW

If this isn't sexy and full of awesome, I really don't know what is. 

God damn, look at my form!


Shooting zombie Bieber. 
Zombie Apocalypse has nothing on me and Jen.
Watch out bitches!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Shooters

Friday is a ladies night at Shooters world.
Jen and I will be there to shoot the shit out of some targets, and maybe get a new gun. Because there is nothing sexier than me and a gun in hand, right? Oh yeah.


I can't recall how the idea of Shooters World came to be, but once I found out they had a ladies night I called Jen with a great rush of breath. 


Me: "We are going to Shooter's World Friday, because I miss you and it's been so long and we need to shoot something before I get out of hand."


Jen: "Hello?"


Me: "You in? I'm looking up the website to see how much it is. AHHHHH FUN FUN FUN!!!!" 


Jen: "That sounds so fun, Friday? Hell yes I'm in!" 


Me: "SAAAWWWEEEETT! I'm looking it up online right now for prices"


Jen: "Let me see. (Clicking of her keyboard) Yeah I remember Friday is ladies night"


Me: "What?!! Why have you not told me this before? It doesn't cost much" 


Jen laughing: "Do you see what I see on the page with the lady in the corner? Below her!" 


Me: "I see the lady, what other pictures?" 


Jen laughing harder: "Oh my gawd!!! What is that!!!"


Me: "What the fuck are you talking about?"


Jen getting her breathe: "THE THIRD PICTURE DOWN BITCH! You see the lady with the yellow shirt?" 


Me: "Oh, you are on a different page, please hold."


I locate said page several seconds later.

Me: "WHAT THE???"


Jen: "See I told ya bitch!"


Jen can spot penis shaped anything if you gave her the chance. 


It looks like a cock to me.


Penis is following me around like you would not believe.


Can't wait for tomorrow. Watch out it's ladies night. 

Enunciate

Yesterday for St.-Green-Beer-hell-yeah-lets-get-our-drink-on-even-if-its-Thursday-and-I-have-to-work-in-the-fucking-morning day I found my drankin partner. Sam I am. 


I met up with her at some this bar. Shit I forgot the name. Oh Yard house. 
I had to wait for her because she was still driving to me and I needed a drink. 
I had a beer...by myself while I patiently waited. I was surrounded by a bunch of people dressed in green. Green shirts, green beads, green tu-tu's, green hats, green shoes, green piercing accessories and shit. DAYUM. People were fucking serious about this. 


I was wearing a dress. 
That was not green. 


No worries I didn't feel left out. Shit. It was a cute dress after all. 


Sam I am finally shows up and onward in our catching up drinking expedition starts. 
We talk about gangsta's, penis size, boners, being a whore/slut, and all of that other stuff you catch up with girlfriends talk. But mostly about dongs. 


We had a few beers and by that time my stomach announced that it was going to eat itself unless I got something other than beer in there. 
We finally get a seat after what seemed to be eternity and ordered our delicious food. 


After stuffing my face with delicious penne pasta with chicken and mushrooms...mmm, I was stuffed. Like I couldn't move, stuffed. Like my stomach bloated 5 times it's normal chubby, stuffed. Like I was going to blow up, stuffed. Like I might have passed out for a few seconds, stuffed.  Like I needed to take a motherfucking power nap, stuffed. You get the point I'm trying to make here, I was stuffed! 


So our server comes over and asks us if we needed anything else.
I say "Yeah I need a cot"
His eyes get big and he is all "What?" 
Sam is all "What?!" 
I am all "Yeah a cot, dude! I am tired" 
Relief washes over his face when I enunciate the 'T' at the end of coT. 


He thought I said cock. 


Silly boy, I told him I could use some of that too. 

Money Order

I transfer to ASU in the fall. 
Bout time me! I was beginning to think this was all a long ass dream. 


So getting all my papers and what not gathered together and sent off to the University, I realized that I needed to have my G.E.D transcripts sent as well. Yeah, G.E.D bitches. No high school diploma for a young mother who dropped out of school way too early to care for her baby girl. 


Don't scrutinize me. I still got shit done and done. 


Anyway...
There I am calling up the college I took my test at and nope, have to get my transcript from somewhere else. 
Ok easy enough. 
Call that place, they give me another number to call and hold. 
Call them people up and no they cannot help me I have to go online and do it myself. 


FINALLY I find the website, print the form and boom, ready to go.


Well not exactly. 


While I was ready to send a check these motherfuckers say "No credit cards, no personal checks, no this, no fucking that, ONLY MONEY ORDERS". 


That's right assholes ONLY MONEY ORDERS! Not even a god damn cashiers check! 

WHAT?!!! 


Why?!!

Sheesh. Who the fuck carries around money orders? Where the hell do I get one from? 
Because yeah I can be that dumb. 


Circle K and other fine stores carry these strange check things called Money Orders. 


I get to work this fabulous morning and get my papers ready to get sent off. 
Then I stare at this so-called money order.


What the fucking, how do you fill those things out? 


I mean it has a Pay to the order of line...okay check 
Purchaser line ... hmmmmm that's me right? check (I think)  
Address line... WHOSE ADDRESS? Mine? The Department of Education? The Circle K I got it from? PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC! 


Fuck you Money Orders. Right in the face. I'll rip your shit up to pieces if you don't tell me what to do!! All I can think is A=P(1+r/n) no wait... that's math. Then comes Piper nigrum a.k.a Black Pepper!...fuck that's Biology! 
What the hell brain! Work with me. 


No worries though because even after one of the attorney's here couldn't figure it out I gots to reading the receipt and BOOM there it was. 


Immediately complete this money order by filling in the front by signing and addressing it at the bottom.


Now I feel stupid. There is something terribly wrong with me. Must be all the work and school that is swallowing my life. haha I said swallow. 

Eyes on Me

Derek thinks that I am paranoid about people who stare. Fuck it maybe I am. 

I notice this gawking issue though probably more than most. 

I take in my surroundings people, I notice shit being done. 

To brush me off and act like what I say is wrong is wrong in itself D! 

People stare at me. It makes me itchy and uncomfortable. I always think that there is something wrong with me, that or as Derek would put it "paranoid". 

I have proven this to him though, several times about the eagle eyes on me. 

Walking into Mimi's Cafe~

We walked in to ask for a table and the snooty girl looks me down then up and turns to show us our table. 

Nudge on the arm, shaking my head..."See Derek that is the shit I am talking about" Nudge, nudge. 

"What are you talking about?" He asks all confused knowing damn well he knows what is coming.

"Did you NOT see that bitch just look at me like that? In front of me???!! What the fuck?" I respond once snooty bitch was out of range. 

What the hell? 

I wore a dress yesterday. A cute red and pink dress I bought. I looked like a chubby school girl, it was adorable. Length  and cut was perfect for work. Heels were on point and all that jazz. 

Everything was going fine, I was feeling like 5 bucks all over the office. No one noticed me, which is preferable. 

Then I went to lunch at the cafe downstairs.

Every other person was starting at me while I was waiting for my food to be called up. 

I am not talking about the oops-I-just-glanced-and-got-caught-looking-at-you I am talking about the full head down to the motherfucking toes eyeballs rolling away once done stare down. 

Did I tuck my dress into my undies? Did I have a glob of Derek's magical shot glass juice in my hair? COME ON! 

I felt naked. I immediately called D and told him because I was feeling super fucking itchy at that point and needed something to do with my hands. 

"Hello" 

"People are staring at me Derek" I whispered

*Sigh "What?" I could hear the same exasperated tone in his voice

"I feel like something is wrong with me. All kinds of folks is staring at me right fucking now" Is all I said awkwardly looking at my pretty feet. 

"I have to go, just ignore them"  He said

Click.

Fuck, now what? 

They were STARING, those fucking corporate assholes. All I wanted to do was eat some fucking sangwhich alone without a bother. BUT NO people wanted to make me feel like my dress was see-through or something.  

Omg. Was my dress see-through? Shit. I couldn't tell because I was wearing it. I don't look at myself in the reflection of the building for fear of hating the way I am dressed. I avoid that shit. 

Then I went to school. More people stared. 

People have serious staring problems. (Jen you know what I am talking about!! AHAHAHAHA...we won't go there right now.) 

No but seriously, stop looking at me, I am not that person who is a walking model. Haha. Cough. 

I almost choked with that one. 

I am an average looking twentysomethingorother woman.  

Stop starting at me people, you make me itch!