Full-House

Not that Danny Tanner shit either. 


I am talking about the tribe that is living under my roof. 


I have been busy, busy, busy, with school, work, homework and well that is pretty much it but shit I haven't even been posting here like I usually do. And who notices? No one. 


Now that I know you fuckers don't give a shit about a missing blogger (That's me) I will continue on with this rant about the madhouse also known as my fucking home. 


Days are starting to blur into each other I swear. So the other night after working 8 hours and going to school for 5 more hours I get home and I see some big ass Tahoe parked in front of my house. 


Shit is that my sister? I thought.


It was that or I was losing my god damn mind. Sure enough it was my sister. 
And her gremlins. All 5 of them, plus my mother, my youngest sister, Derek and my 2 demon children. 


What the fuck? 


Ahem, what the hell is this mess I walked into? Who's house am I at? 
Where is my bottle of wine because I can sure use some now. 


Why did I feel like I walked into a overnight daycare nightmare? 


Turns out my sister is leaving her husband of almost 9 years.
About fucking time you fucking whore bag! I have been waiting for this for such a long ass time. 


Hell yeah you can stay at my house for a few days while you look for an apartment, as long as you don't go back to that short-as-shit-retard-of-a-husband because if you do I swear I will go ape shit on your ass. 


I will be losing my mind trying to figure out how to feed 12 mouths. 
Fuck that...DEREK where are you?


I feel sick thinking about the messes I have to clean. 

Just Dance

We rented "Just Dance" on the Wii. 


It's impressive if can you keep up with the moves. 
I tried and was sweating like I hiked up a fucking mountain in the middle of summer. 


We got it for my 14 year old sister because she supposedly likes to dance, grind, boogie, step however kids her age be dancing. 


Instead I find my almost 50 year old mother dancing her shit off to The Pussycat Dolls – "When I Grow Up" and my 14 year-old sister is sitting on the couch moving just her arms. 


Shit mom! Really? No fucking wonder you had so many kids. You guys should have seen that woman sway to and fro. She had moves people. Real fucking moves. Probably better than mine. 


I walked into the living room and I see her dancing to some weird ass jungle tempo shit having the time of her life. Ass shaking like a motherfucking salt shaker. I would have thought she was having some sort of anxiety attack had I not seen the Wii controller in her hand. 


Mom please don't ever do that shit in public...ever.  


My son also learned all the words to Ke$has "ticky tock" song. 
That bitch... KeSha why don't you shut your stupid trashy mouth up? 
You are creating a monster in my home! 


Thankfully we only rented that game. 
I don't know how much more of my mother's dancing to Ke$ha I could have taken. 
I tried to look away, but at the same time I just had to look and laugh it all off.  


Just dance..my ass, more like "Just sweat your chubby ass on outta here." 


All in good fun people. Buy the game if you need to distract your 50 year old mother. 

Pick of the Day

Check it! 
That's me the first one!!!


Editor's Pick of the motherfucking day.
WHy? I have no clue. Like really. I don't know why. 
But I will accept, thank you Bloggers @ Bloggers.com
That is a lot of blogi. 


Do I look like that? Weird.  


I don't remember why I started using Bloggers. Probably to be a blog whore but no ones counting how many sites that link back to me. (only 5, shhhh ) Yeah no one's counting.

Now I have a few more followers. I am excited and scared at the same time. 


In other news:


Jen asked me to go spray tanning today. 


"What? Fuck no!" was the usual response to any of her questions. 
Crazy bitch. You should know better than to ask my light skinned ass.

I don't like orange. 


It does not look good on me. 


So when I told that wench no she says to me "Thats hilarious!! im gonna buy some from the store and get you drunk, spray you down and take inappropriate pictures of you"


CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! 


Bring on the spray tan, beer and/or vino, jello pit and camera. 


I'll be waiting in my dominatrix outfit.


Over and out people see you on the other side. 

Hair to my Crack

I cut my hair. 

My long beautiful mane thatalmostreachedmyass. My awesome locks, and tufts of baby hairs...chopped. Lopped off with fancy ass scissors. Hacked with a precise hand. 

No longer am I able to look up and have my butt crack tickled with my split ends anymore. It makes me kind of sad. 

That AND the fact that my sister told me I look more Asian than I did before. It's the fucking bangs. 

I didn't walk up to the stylist and say "Chinese please!" all though it looks that way. 

Oh...my hair does not cover my knobs like I said I needed it too either! 

I will have to wait for my hair to grow out before I can do my infamous "Naked in the Dumpster" photo shoot again. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! 

Although I like it. I really do. I look different. It's cute according to my demon children. 

Thanks Jes for hooking me up. 

I am not going to use real names because I don't want to embarrass the person who has the softest lips that I remember and is a fantastic kisser. 

Shit...did I just say that? 

Oops. 

I mean...

I will not blog about that one person who I was infatuated with in high school and still possibly.
This doesn't count right? 

This person will not marry me. Unless I pay them $10,000. And right about now I don't have $10k laying around to be used for a bribed marriage. What a fucking shame. 

Shit I'm doing it again. Okay I'll stop. 

My hair, yes that is what we were talking about not that one person who is still gorgeous after all this time. 

Sheesh, I swear my mind lives in the gutter 11 months of the year. 

My new hair cut gave me the same bullshit at the bar though. 

Jen and I were sitting enjoying our cold beers Saturday night when suddenly a snazzy dressed fella comes up and says the usual "Hi I'm Retard (Not his real name I just didn't care to remember) what's your name?" 

Then proceeds to ask something else that I couldn't understand: 

"What is fkirahj iajfhiobhu jnionhoh?" 

"WHAT?" I yelled over the blaring music.

"I said what ijfnhjbnhjk huhafi jioahgio?" He says

"DUDE I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING" I reply then look at his friend to help out because I could not hear him. 

He gets super close to my ear and says "I asked what background are you?" 

shit.this.again?

What I really wanted to say was "Why would you ask a stranger that, what the fuck is your problem?"

What I really said was "Why would you ask a stranger that, what the fuck is that? Do you go up to strangers all the time and ask them what they are?"

Close enough.

He looked at me like ??? what the ????

Yeah, he didn't. That is what I thought. I was going to try to be nice about it, I forgot I was trying to accept this Asianess. I forgot. So I yelled at him. 

I asked him if people asked him what he was. No? Okay. Point proven, it is fucking rude. 

Oh yeah its purply. My new hair. 

2 Brunette Blow-Up Dolls Please

I have hatched a plan. 


Genius really. 
You see sometimes during the week I have a hard time trying to figure out why the hell I work full-time while taking 14 credit hours at the local college and AND AND I still care for the 2 demon children I squeezed out the vagina. Am I crazy?? I suppose I am but that is besides the point right now. 


I found a temporary solution!


Jen and I need to acquire 2 brunette long haired blow-up dolls to switch places with us at the workplace that way we can go eat and drink while the rest of you workers are working. Guys at work will never know! SHHH. Not like they talk to me much, or even give a shit about me. I could pull it off. Totally. 


All that was needed were 2 blow-up dolls; Hair extensions for Jen's bitch; business casual clothing for our whore dolls; voice recorders and a get-away vehicle. Easy. 


It was a serious plan. 
See: 

me: We should buy blow-up dolls to pose for us during work and go grab drinks. No one will ever notice!

 Sent at 9:08 AM 

me: Who has blow-up dolls that you know? See of Joe has a couple in his truck, hell check the back seat while you are at it.

Jennifer: HAHAA! i love the way your mind works...i think i have some under my bed

ewww...i dont even want to know what these perverts have!

Joe prolly only has black ones anyways!

they wudnt work

 Sent at 9:12 AM 

me: yeah. I am not dark. DAMN IT! Plan is ruined, thanks JOE!

 Sent at 9:14 AM 

Jennifer: hmmm...need a plan b! stupid life ruiner 

Joe

And then my plan was ruined. 

I knew this was going to happen. 


ALL I WANT IS TO DITCH WORK FOR A FEW HOURS. I hate being stuck here in this... this....this... place. 

Also this week in school: 

I am taking a Social Work class and it dawned on me. 

"I hate people....what the fuck am I doing here?" 

Good going Rox, good fucking going. 

Beetle

I need a new car. 


Long ago I needed a newer, cleaner, purrier car, but I got stuck with my current bug-a-boo.
Such a girl car. I love forcing D to drive it around. sucker


AAhh I can almost see my new car. Shiny, not-my-old-car, smelling like something other than crayons, speedometer workin, free of legos and all. 


Shut your face. I can't afford it right now, that's just a small obstacle at the moment. I am working on a money making scheme as I type. 


I have been driving around my little car that sounds like a box of legos going over a million pot holes and smells of crayons. WHY??? 
I hear rattles and shakes, speedometer doesn't work, I can't tell how much gas I have, middle console is broken, and did I mention that it sounds like a BOX-OF-LEGOS and smells like crayons?
Don't know what that sounds like? Go shake a box of legos. That's what my Beetle sounds like. 


I'm to lazy to take it in. Someone please take her away. Fix it. DO SOMETHING! 
I am going crazy with the legos! 
Legos please just go away!!! Get the fuck away from me. 
Dear Hey-Zues... I think my car is driving me insane.

I absolutely refuse taking the car to the gas station so imagine my horror when it comes to tune-ups and repairs. Nightmares. Big, fat, ugly nightmares. 


Repair man: please rid me of my legos hiding underneath my car, shaking when I go 30 mph. I told my little whore car not to eat those. I will pay you, as long as you come to me and you don't fuck up my car like Don did when he told me he dealt with VW's but really didn't and I was going to punch his fat gut in when I noticed he messed it up more than he fixed it and I didn't pay him the rest of his "repair" monies, I should have sued that son-of-a-bitch. Yeah please don't do that. Gracias. 


On the plus side my windshield is free of cracks from the freeway mattress!
So there, SUCK IT aggressive windshield selling guys at the car wash. BWAHAHAHA!!! 

Rippin One

Come on everyone, you've smelled it before...shit breath.


Some call it halitosis, I say it's shit and it is nasty. 


Please, if your breath is offensive try your best to cover it up. 
There have been a few instances where I think I might have vomited a little bit in my own mouth due to someone's lack of brushing teeth. 


I want to talk about something else that smells like shit (sometimes not always), farts. 


While getting dressed this morning Derek says to me "Hey does the fridge need some WD 40 or what?" I was confused for a moment but then realized I let one loose in the kitchen. 
Good ear D, good ear.  


Now Derek, I do have to say that you have the most rotten smelling gas in the world. 


I yelled at him this morn not to be farting on my side of the bed. That cheese would stay on the mattress for life and I don't want to lay in gassy stench until we get a new mattress. 


He doesn't have the tiny whispering ones that go silently and dissipate evenly with minimal odor. He has the ones that can kill live flowers on sight with the stench of death. Everything wilts in its wake. 


ALAS! 


I gave it a new name today, I call it halitosis of the ass. It works right? Where's my WebMd contract for employment bitches?!


Halitosis of the ass: Repulsive odor ejected from the ass region. Number known to suffer from this, Unknown. Cause - unknown in nature, likely to be diet but perhaps medical condition. Or rotting intestines. Treatments - unknown to you sorry saps who's asses smells like continuous cycles of shitty ass breath.  
     
Derek has it. This new disease that's not really new but who gives a shit. I am uncertain if there is any cure at the moment. Derek seems to think that there is.  
I swear I sometimes think that something is dying inside of him. He said he going to try eating more pineapples. What the hell? Hypothesis, experiment, here we go. 


So he happens to be very flatulent, probably to much but what can I do? Tell him to stop eating burning hot wings and beer? Probably.
What is going to happen when he is elderly and has no control over his halitosis of the ass? You think diapers cover the vapors? I might have to get him some now that I am really putting some thought into this. 


The big thing that really gets me about his smelly wind is that he gives zero warning when about to blow. Yeah none. 


Can a person die if subjected to massive amounts of dutch ovening? I might have died a few times from that. 


Another note why is it that guys farts smell much worse than the female populations? 
Is it the foods? Or what the hell am I talking about because I know some of you ladies out there have some Halitosis of the Ass too! 
I don't think I do. I hope I don't. 
Damn you HALITOSIS OF THE ASS! DAMN YOU! 


We will someday find a cure for you D. Pinky promise.