FUCKING WHY CLOTHES DO YOU HAVE TO SHRINK WHEN I WASH THEN DRY YOU????
F-U-C-K!!!!!
Usual Night: Derek zips up that cute shirt I bought and with a quick glance says "That looks good, let's go" but fails to see the flab of flubber sticking out of my tight top. Again I look for something more appropriate and makes us later than later than usual.
I fuckin hate looking at clothes on mannequins because that IS NOT HOW THEY LOOK ON PEOPLE, particularly me! This is very VERY stressful. This is why I change approximately 5 to 16 times a day to make sure that what I have on will not leave me in an uncomfortable sucking.it.in.every.fucking.minute.of.my.long.ass.day.
I sometimes have that button from those semi-fitting pants imprinted on my belly. No Bueno.
I love LOVE LOVE to shop. Sorry my dear family I do love you but let me be, with my shopping addiction to go shopping alone. No I do not need an assistant to hold my bags I can do that myself. I do not wish you to wait 45 minutes while I try on several articles of clothing. Trust me on this one. I become this strange, disturbed, frustrated maniac that no one needs to meet or see. I also become a sweaty mess in the dressing room. It is so gross. My hair becomes matted to my neck and my cheeks get flushed and it seems that I gain about 10 pounds upon entrance to the magical dressing rooms. Medium then becomes a extra small and does not want to go over the hips. Really Medium? I thought we had a plan you and I, No? You want to screw me over now? Fucking stretch, I know we can do it! I then give up after I know it will take a miracle to pry that shit off.
Articles of clothing I cannot and should NEVER attempt to wear in public (or private for that matter):
- anything spandex
- tight bras that make the lumps in my back look like extra tits < I have bought some before but this was when I wasn't in my right mind
- Ed Hardy - Come on! Need I say more?
- Anything that makes me look pregnant
- Leggings (I'll tell you why in a moment)
- Moo moo's
- Those god awful floral shirts like the ones I had in 6th grade
- Anything florescent
- Colored hot pants
- Loin cloth
- Mis-match anything
- a frock ... wait what the fuck is a frock?
- Lip liner with frosted lipstick - this is not clothing but either way it should NEVER be worn
By god do not, I REPEAT for emphasis DO NOT wear those tight-suck-the-life-out-of-you leggings that look "oh so adorable" on my 8 year old but are not made for mommy's or fat people nor are they made in the non-sheer type that people think they are.
I bought a pair of these thinking that sure I could pull that shit off anytime.
Umm mistake.
After packing my bottom into these 'leggings' I twirl around my restroom mirror and low and behold...ASS.
Everywhere.
All ova tha place. like nobodys bizness.
If I had a tattoo on my ass I am pretty certain that all of the world would be able to see it, even the details. (Yes my ass tat would have plenty of details) And you do not want to get me started on the cameltoe situation.
I hear people talking about epic fails. Well I would like to include this one to the list.
I tried these bad boys on and OK yeah they suck in fat like no otha BUT I did not expect for my chubbiness to roll them down every time I moved from my sucked in posture. Quit rolling down damn it!. Sitting down was out of the question.
After this betrayal I extracted these fuckers off me and threw them in the deep of my closet.
Now they just sit underneath all of the clothes that stopped fitting me a kid ago.
God damn clothes, just fit already! Let's stop playing this game and just be seduced by my body and fit like a normal ensemble should!
Maybe I should just go shopping to cure this mad sickness called fuckmeclothesdoesntfit.
Why isn't this sickness on WebMD or some shit?
I know a lot of people it affects and they just need to know that shopping helps settle the madness.
Why doesn't someone just buy me a new wardrobe already?
By-the-way, I wear a size 8 in shoes.
I want a new wardrobe, too, but I can't afford it so I'm trying to rehabilitate my old clothes. As for the jeans, don't put them in the washer! It makes them tight at first, but then they get really loose after a few wears. Wash em and then hang dry em!
ReplyDeleteThe jeans thing is SO FUCKING OBNOXIOUS, DUDE. After two days of wearing my jeans, they have reached their perfect stretch potential. Then I drop ketchup on them and it's back to laying down on the bed with a coat hanger trying to get the fuckers to button.
ReplyDeleteGlad I'm not alone.