Introducing the Period

I have introduced "the period" to my 8 year old. 


Fuck, I know. Your telling me. Do you know how hard it is to explain to my baby girl that some day soon she will be intentionally bleeding from her front butt (as she calls it)? You have no idea.


Here is how that chat of ours went.


First I went out and had to buy one of those books that explains and has pictures/drawings of all of what puberty has to offer a young lady.
Which in itself is quite disturbing. 
I get this book and truly want to ease her mind for when that moment of becoming a women comes. Because that shit is scary when you have no clue what the fuck is happening or what is going on. There is nothing worse than a screaming 8,9 or 10 year old that she is dying because her body is cut somehow but she can't find the source of abrasion. Nothing worse I'm telling you. 


My monster is starting to bud some boobs. WTF? 8 years old. That is wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!!!!!
So I thought I should get all of this other shit of of the fucking way since it is inevitable. 
I sat her on my bed and started reading out of this body book. I explain to her about hygiene, brushing her hair and teeth, feet odor, growing breasts, pubic hair, body odor, and all of the glorious things us women have to face. 


As I was getting deeper into the conversation and more serious about the issues there came a picture of budding breast.
Which she found to be extremely funny. 
She kept on laughing and giggling because of the drawings of said boobs.
This wasn't working out the way I planned.
I told her that yes, she will grow boobs at some point. 
Hell she was at stage 2 according to the illustrations. 


~This has nothing to do with this story but at some point last year while I was getting ready she asked "Mom, am I going to have no boobs like you?" I look down and wanted to punch her and cry. I didn't do either if your wondering. Awww fuck you know it's bad when your child can tell that you have some of the smallest boobs ever, IT'S NOT FAIR WORLD. "I don't know Monster, you will have to wait and see for when you grow your own." Is all I said.~

                                                            *They used to call me tiny tits*




Then came the part about pubic hair. 
I thought it went well until I asked her:
"Do you understand about the hair that will grow on your vagina?"
Monster looks at me with complete confusion
I asked "Do you know what a vagina is?"
Again she looks at me with those puzzled eyes "No"
I had to keep from punching myself in the head.
I was getting a tad bit frustrated. This was going to get awkward.


I point to a triangular patch drawn on a cartoon girl. "Do you see that?" I ask
"Well that front bootay is your vagina in real life"
"Is that hair?" Giggle, giggle
"Yes, that is hair, you are going to get hair there and in you armpits..OKAY?" 
"Am I going to have to shave it off?"
"Not unless you want to become a cave-woman or French, you know what....don't even worry about that right now just know that soon enough you will start getting hair in these places...okay just be AWARE!" 


Baby D decided to ruin my mother daughter moment by interrupting our conversation with loud  yelling. No daddy in sight. 
"STOP IT BABY D!, SHUSH!!!!!!"
To this he is yells louder, probably to piss me off then takes off running as soon as he knows I  will get my ass off my bed. 
UGH. "DEREKKKKKKK!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU? GET THIS BOY OUT OF HERE!!!!!" 
No Derek. fuck. 
"BABY D!!!!!!!!!!!! STOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!"
Jevas. What a nightmare he is that boy. I am not doing this puberty talk ever again.
Fuck that! Derek will have to take care of Baby D's part on puberty. It's only fair. I have no penis therefore I shall not have to conduct any sort of conversation about anything that includes my son and his junk. 


On with 'the dreaded talk'
"Soon your going to bleed from your vagina and I don't want you to freak out because every girl goes through it"
.. "Oh ok"


"EVERY GIRL...unless she is a freak okay. So you understand what I am saying?"
"Yes"
"Are you sure?"
"Ummm, yeah" 
"There are different things to use when you have a period, there are pads and tampons. Have you seen them, in your bathroom before?" 
"No"
"Well they don't look like this drawing here, this looks like a mattress not a pad."
This fantastic book had a depiction of a girl sitting on a toilet shoving a tampon inside of her. 
This confused, probably traumatized Monster for any future tampon wearing. 
She asked pointing to the va-who-who "What is that?" 
REALLY? I just asked if you know what a vagina is! "That is her vagina! You know what just forget the drawing." 


At this point I am done talking to my baby girl about all of this shit. 
She gets her book and turns back to the page with the boobs and starts shrieking with laughter.


I tell her to get the hell out of my room and to take a shower before bedtime. I had reached my threshold of bullshit for the day.


I go into the living room for some long awaited Grey's Anatomy that was waiting on DVR for me. 
Baby D comes rolling into the living room, body book in hand and says while pointing "Look mom Chi-Chi's!"  


OMG. Really?  
Boobs fascinate this young boy like no other. 
Now he has a book of colorful drawing of boobs to entertain him. 


I give up. That was round one of introducing a period. As I am sure there will be more explaining to do with this child. 


I am exhausted thinking about it. 


I don't think she got it one bit. Failure at introducing vagina and period into her vocabulary is what I should have titled this post.