What a cute little couple we make.
We make me sick, that is how cute we are.
*Check out Rico Suave, I just want to pinch him!!
Yeah sure he pisses me off all of the fucking time sometimes, like singing "Hide ya kids, Hide ya wife" over and fucking over again. Or when he thinks that it is okay to to be a smart ass to gangsta's that wouldn't hesitate to put a cap in his ass. Why must you tempt fate fool? Or saying "Double rainbow all the way, it's so vivid" over and over. fuck you.
Regardless of his imperfections I have collected the past 6 years such as that hairy ass chest of his that is super unsexy when it grows out of control, or his little brother a.k.a. Mr. lipoma on his back that I like to poke...etc, I love him for him. (Except that he won't let me touch his nipples whenever I want WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT DEREK????, okay that will be your only fault in this relationship...THE ONLY ONE)
I don't know if you noticed anything new about my blog....but I'M ON IT!!!!
Confused little one? You see the little me face on the tab? NO? THE ONE ABOVE THE ADDRESS BAR!!!!!
Still no? FUCK YOU, here you go
Bigger version of what really looks like:
Guess who did that?
Derek did of course I am not web savy enough to do shit like that so I made him. And by made I mean I bribed him with my goodies because who wouldn't love a little of me?
Okay don't answer that because I may not even want to know (unless you are Brad Pitt or Scarlett Jo-sexy-hansson).
Anyway, I have no clue on how one does something like that or what kind of bullshit he had to do but it looks great and I fucking love it.
So great in fact that I decided to dedicate a whole post to my lover man also known as Derek also known as Dirty (oh yeah), also known as Big Dick Derek (wait who the fuck named you this? and don't go saying everyone Derek I know how you are), also known as King Salami... okay you see where I am getting at with all of this non-descriptive wordage of his personality.
I have been wanting to write him a love letter of our 6 years together but couldn't find the right words. Then he did this great thing for me so why the hell not:
Dear Beau,
Remember how we met? It was a blistering hot day and I needed a job. I waltzed into the store with my teal eyeshadow and halter top and almost begged you for the job even though it didn't matter. I was going to get it anyway.
Weeks after working with you I finally noticed that your oldness was actually kinda sexy, I would stare at your crotch and see tiny pee stains on your khakis and thought it was the cutest thing in the world. You mastered making me cry with your criticisms of my choice of boy toys I dated and would constantly talk shit, all though I think this was more of a jealousy thing.
Then you seduced me the way any boss should to a way younger employee. A massage.
I remember that patchouli oil you rubbed on my body and somehow got me to take my clothes off, I lay there wondering why your old fingers were shaking so badly, until I felt your boner against my leg. Totally turn-on by the way babe that is when you had me. You had me at boner on my leg. That and your bright white teeth that used to look like mini-chicklets to me.
Then we made whoopee I was so excited because I heard about your largeness and wanted to see it for myself. Thank you Circles family you did not disappoint.
You took me to Churches Chicken for my birthday soon thereafter because you knew I was a cheap date. You seducer you!
I saw several pictures of you in your younger heydays and the fat ugly girlfriends you had and I knew I was a fresh change. The one you were waiting for all of your life.
The one you could play dutch oven with and I wouldn't leave you.
Do you remember when we first were together and your favorite place to take me out to were to the funerals? You loved taking me to all the funerals that first year we were together.
You are so great and funny. Do you remember putting on my star pajamas that one winter? You don't? Let me refresh your memory sir.
You know just what to do when I am feeling low.
You would come to be the one who would pick me up after a night of boozing on the town because I was to drunk to drive and threw up in your sink because I could damn it! You were the one who reminded me how old I was when I was alcoholically delusional from my Lambrusco binges.
You have never called me ugly or fat and I can count on you to never say anything bad to me except that I am fucking crazy as a bat, but I don't mind that one bit because let's face it we both are crazy as bats. We fit like retarded puzzles pieces smashed together by a toddler even though they weren't supposed to fit and only fit because they got chewed up and banged together and possibly taped and/or glued together. (Wow I really thought this one out)
We made the whoopee this one time and you expelled your demon sperms in me making our little demon child of our own. Baby D. Evil little shit he looks just like you dad.
I am sorry that he got my 'tude and style, but what can you do? Take him back? No.
We can't...........
Can we?
Even though it took you a few years and a fat motherfucking ring, you finally did it, you asked me to be your wife.
Thank you for the fine whoopee's you make with me and the fantastic dinners you prepare after my long days at work and school. It has been a grand 6 years together.
Olive juice berry mush Derek.
Damn you are a sexy beast...RAWR
And that people is my man who calls himself "The D"
Yeah sure he pisses me off
Regardless of his imperfections I have collected the past 6 years such as that hairy ass chest of his that is super unsexy when it grows out of control, or his little brother a.k.a. Mr. lipoma on his back that I like to poke...etc, I love him for him. (Except that he won't let me touch his nipples whenever I want WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT DEREK????, okay that will be your only fault in this relationship...THE ONLY ONE)
I don't know if you noticed anything new about my blog....but I'M ON IT!!!!
Confused little one? You see the little me face on the tab? NO? THE ONE ABOVE THE ADDRESS BAR!!!!!
Still no? FUCK YOU, here you go
Guess who did that?
Derek did of course I am not web savy enough to do shit like that so I made him. And by made I mean I bribed him with my goodies because who wouldn't love a little of me?
Okay don't answer that because I may not even want to know (unless you are Brad Pitt or Scarlett Jo-sexy-hansson).
Anyway, I have no clue on how one does something like that or what kind of bullshit he had to do but it looks great and I fucking love it.
So great in fact that I decided to dedicate a whole post to my lover man also known as Derek also known as Dirty (oh yeah), also known as Big Dick Derek (wait who the fuck named you this? and don't go saying everyone Derek I know how you are), also known as King Salami... okay you see where I am getting at with all of this non-descriptive wordage of his personality.
I have been wanting to write him a love letter of our 6 years together but couldn't find the right words. Then he did this great thing for me so why the hell not:
Dear Beau,
Remember how we met? It was a blistering hot day and I needed a job. I waltzed into the store with my teal eyeshadow and halter top and almost begged you for the job even though it didn't matter. I was going to get it anyway.
Weeks after working with you I finally noticed that your oldness was actually kinda sexy, I would stare at your crotch and see tiny pee stains on your khakis and thought it was the cutest thing in the world. You mastered making me cry with your criticisms of my choice of boy toys I dated and would constantly talk shit, all though I think this was more of a jealousy thing.
Then you seduced me the way any boss should to a way younger employee. A massage.
I remember that patchouli oil you rubbed on my body and somehow got me to take my clothes off, I lay there wondering why your old fingers were shaking so badly, until I felt your boner against my leg. Totally turn-on by the way babe that is when you had me. You had me at boner on my leg. That and your bright white teeth that used to look like mini-chicklets to me.
Then we made whoopee I was so excited because I heard about your largeness and wanted to see it for myself. Thank you Circles family you did not disappoint.
You took me to Churches Chicken for my birthday soon thereafter because you knew I was a cheap date. You seducer you!
I saw several pictures of you in your younger heydays and the fat ugly girlfriends you had and I knew I was a fresh change. The one you were waiting for all of your life.
The one you could play dutch oven with and I wouldn't leave you.
Do you remember when we first were together and your favorite place to take me out to were to the funerals? You loved taking me to all the funerals that first year we were together.
You are so great and funny. Do you remember putting on my star pajamas that one winter? You don't? Let me refresh your memory sir.
You know just what to do when I am feeling low.
You would come to be the one who would pick me up after a night of boozing on the town because I was to drunk to drive and threw up in your sink because I could damn it! You were the one who reminded me how old I was when I was alcoholically delusional from my Lambrusco binges.
You have never called me ugly or fat and I can count on you to never say anything bad to me except that I am fucking crazy as a bat, but I don't mind that one bit because let's face it we both are crazy as bats. We fit like retarded puzzles pieces smashed together by a toddler even though they weren't supposed to fit and only fit because they got chewed up and banged together and possibly taped and/or glued together. (Wow I really thought this one out)
We made the whoopee this one time and you expelled your demon sperms in me making our little demon child of our own. Baby D. Evil little shit he looks just like you dad.
I am sorry that he got my 'tude and style, but what can you do? Take him back? No.
We can't...........
Can we?
Even though it took you a few years and a fat motherfucking ring, you finally did it, you asked me to be your wife.
Olive juice berry mush Derek.
Damn you are a sexy beast...RAWR
And that people is my man who calls himself "The D"
Your picture up there is so cute!
ReplyDeleteAnd this post was cracking me up. : )
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