Stomach Cancer

This weekend was fun. 


Then came Monday, along with stomach pains from hell. 


I didn't know what it was, but stomach pains and working do not go hand in hand. I tried to be a trooper, because I'm fucking resilient to all of the sick made up shit that is out there y'all!  
I burped, I farted (in the hall several times), hell I even shit a huge log and still stomach pains were there. 


Then I took Tums still no help. Pepto? Still no! 
Fuck you stomach looking all bloated and shit. 


Douche McMan at work asked what was wrong I told him my tummy was in pain.
2 hours later he asks "Hey man you okay?", "Umm no!!!! My stomach hurtsss" while clenching my sides and doing the "I'm making a poop" face.
Only this time he says "You probably have stomach cancer" then briskly walks away.


....Did this motherfucker just tell me......stomach cancer?
...ohhh, oh my goodness...what if???....stomach cancer?
Oh shit, stomach cancer you say?...


What.the.fuck
Why would you say that?!!!


Okay, maybe I could blame the ridiculous amounts of beer and tequila that I indulged in this weekend that can account for this stomach trouble. Oh snap! What about the menudo and crab legs on Sunday? Could have been that Nitro drink from Monster or that shitty warm beer someone gave me. Or the beans and potato salad for lunch. Or how about the apple with coffee I had that morning? What ever it was my stomach hurt! I don't know if stomach cancer hurts but it  sounds like it's supposed to with there being cancer in the cancer and all. 


I needed answers and I needed them ASAP! 


I left work early and called Derek to tell him what Douche McMan had said. 
"Ohh, my stomach still hurts"
"Come home already!"
"Derek!!, Douche McMan told me I had stomach cancer!, What do I do?"
"Why the fuck did he tell you that?"
"I don't know, he's a dick. Oh my god what if it's true?"
"Come home and take some Pepto, relax you don't have stomach cancer."
"AHHHH, WHAT IF I'M DYING RIGHT NOW?!!!!!!...If I don't make it home within the next 30 minutes then I died from stomach cancer on my way home!"
"Shut up, don't talk like that. I'll see you in a bit."
"IT'S CANCER I TELL YA!!!!, Oh look at that sweet ass Lexus. Can I have one of those?"
 Frustrated sigh "Uhh just come home i'll see you in a bit."


On my way home:
*Talking to myself
"Oh I have cancer of the bellies!"
"Ughhh, I think I am dying"
Cramp. 
"It's getting me!"
Burp.
"Still don't feel good"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Fart.
"Stomach cancer, stomach cancer,stomach cancer, stomach cancer, stomach cancer..."
"Damn stomach cancers, leave me alone" 
♫♪♫"Say it if it's worth it to me ..♪♫♪♪♫, not right now Nickelback! Damn it I have the cancers!!!" 


Yeah that was me.Talking to me. About me. With me. 


I realize that I might have been a little delusional on my way home. 
I was on a Tums high. 
The berry flavored Tums (I know right!!). Wild eyed, eyelashes all disheveled, hair tousled and what not.  


I feel better now, so I feel it's safe to say I don't have stomach cancer. 


* Side-note: Don't go emailing me telling me how serious stomach cancer is. I am aware. 


Enough about the stomach cancer already! 


On another note, Kosher at That Ain't Kosher sent along a meme because she is 1 of 3 people who actually visits my blog. So here I is.
(That is intentional the "I is") Fucking perfectionist English majors. 


1. What’s the one thing that scares the hell out of you? (For example: dying alone, oven mitts, parade floats of giant pandas…) Carrot Top and huge fist sized cockroaches. 

2. If you had the opportunity to throw anybody- and I do mean anybody- under a speeding vehicle and no one would EVER find out, who would it be? (No points for Justin Bieber, BTW, because that’s just a given) That is a toss-up of Carrot Top or Russell Pierce because they both disgust me to no end. Hell I would save a Bieber and toss both of those other idiots. 


3. Hell, be creative: Choose your own murderous rage (I’m morbid like that). 
Oh my... I would never! (share my secret with the world) 

4. What do you love most about me? No, seriously. What’s the one place you’ve always wanted to visit but never have?   I do love your Kosherness btw. I have always wanted to visit  Wonderland because Mad Hatter is one interesting motherfucker and cannot get stomach cancer from all the tea. 

5. What’s the funniest fucking word in the English language (I currently like “titmouse”)?  Currently giggling to "fard". Let's use it in a sentence.
While getting ready Derek asks "What are you doing?" I reply "I'm farding!" Look it up.* 
Or "poot" "Did you just poot?" It's farting but I use it when it sounds like a bit of shit came out with the fart. 

6. If you could describe your life with a song title or movie title, what would it be?
Kick-Ass, that was easy!

7. What’s your favorite website besides my blog? (don’t you love how I threw in my flaming narcissism?)  Stamps.com Because you can print stamps from your home computer without the hassle of going to the post office!!! Oh was this supposed to be another fellow blogger? Okay then Dear Coke Talk because that bitch tells it like it is! 

8. If you were going to host a blogger house party which bloggers would you invite and what would go down? (I think we’re all going to keep this one in there)


Hmmm. First off there would be gallons of wine to swim in, Jello pits, Armadillo rides will be offered. Kosher, Sara Swears Alot, Coke Talk, Chino @ Running Scared (because he is a vodka chugging babe), Lily @ Too early for a martini (Another vodka chugging babe), essentially all the bloggers willing to get shit faced would be there to drink free booze. 


Who knows what would come of that there partay. 
I would totally pass this on but...
I'm not. 
Go screw yourself, I thought I might have had stomach cancer for fuck sake!


*Also, I really don't know why Douche McMan would tell me that I have stomach cancer, I think he just wants me to die. 
Rox