Phoenix We Have a Problem

Being single sounds so much fun. Not that I miss it or anything.
Because why should having sex with complete strangers or having a nice comfy bed alone, eating out as you please, cleaning your own mess, be any better than having someone who I am at home with?

Enough about me.

This one is for you Jenny babe.
I have figured out what has happened in your life.....the extent of your dry spell. (She needs someone to scratch the itch she has...wink, wink)
Let me explain to those who have no idea how hard it is for my hottie friend to find a 'date'.
Jen attracts the un-date-able men who happen to also have symptoms of bi-polar-ness, some forms of OCD, tend to be control freaks, stalkerish, sometimes are delusional, borderline anti-social, narcissistic, egotistic, manic, imbeciles, dim-witted (unintelligent), super cheap or have some sort of psychological or behavioral problems.
Okay not all of them are...but about 99.8% of them are. The rest of the tiny almost nonexistent percentage is rarely known to woman, so the chances of finding someone who has no problems are like a fictional character with no flaws, perfect teeth, muscles, hair, and all of the above. We know this is not what it is like in reality.

We go out from time to time and again did I mention that she is smoking hot? Well if I forgot...she is hot.
Okay enough of her hotness, she is also very big-hearted, she is smart, has goals, has a great job, has her own car and teeth.

                   Hope she doesn't kill me for posting her pic..she is on the far right, my beautiful bitch!

When we talk about getting laid, she tells me about not getting any (insert dirty word for penis here).....(silence) ....Yeah I know, RIGHT!
What the fuck is wrong with people?
Phoenix...does the heat make all men mad? Because there seem to be little quality men here. That I consider to be a problem.
Back to where I said we go out from time to time, when we got there is a high probability that at least 4 guys will hit on her in 4 hour period.
Yea...but these guys are not the kind of guys that she dates. We are talking about guys that have to get their liquid courage to step up to say "Dammmnnnn! Whats your name?" Oh god...what about when they call her shorty...wtf is up with that?
Sorry this is not 8th grade this is the REAL WORLD at a bar where you must be 21 and this tall to drink and speak.
The sorts that hit on Jen:

• Short ... I mean real short, shorter than Jen's tiny 5'2 frame - You should have drank that milk son! 
• Dumb... talking with the bad-boy dialect (No wha imm sayin shorty) or just stupid in general, you should have at least finished grade school.
• Negative rejects...this is no fun for either party
• Guys who don't know when to shut the fuck up, and don't get the hint when she does not want to talk to you. 
• Guys who might have been gay in their past-life, or last year...she does not want a man more girly than her
• Mouthbreathers... nuff said
• Lack of humor...we are funny and expect you to be.
• Aggressive men who want to dance and grind away when they just met her...you remember this shit Jen..hahaha I thought you guys were going to catch fire with all that friction on the dance floor. 

The list can go on for infinity, this is just a small taste of the men that hit on Jenny baby. 

To solve this problem I think we ladies need to do something a little different, say go to a new different bar. 

Or just go in search of some hunky babe, instead of waiting for more losers to hit on you. We shall seek him or her out and conquer that shit! 

We will test this out this weekend when we get to San Diego. Some magic will happen I'm sure. 

Don't doubt me Jen, we will get you some in some form or other. 

I will find you a disposable thing when we go out, that way you don't have to worry about the stalker tenancies afterward.

PEOPLE- Let me mention she isn't that picky, she just does not want a bottom of the barrel kind of person.
I don't want that for her either. She is not looking for a flawless person, just a normal human being, is that asking for to much?!! No defective guys/girls allowed..this will be our club name..haha.

Sorry Jen, Derek is that man but as you know he is mine. I don't think you like them old anyways. ;)

Watch out San Diego, because here we come!