Olfactory Fail

I came back from smoking stinking like a homeward bound hippy and sat at my desk. 
I realize that there are some clients about to come in so to mask the smell of my hippyness I hastily throw on some of my pretty smelling lotion. 


About 10 minutes later one of the people I work with comes around the corner, sniffs loudly and says "What is that smell?" I stare in confusion. She sniffs again and says "It smells like Raid or something"....
What!!!!?? 
I smell like a fucking pest control truck now? 
Fuck that! 
Someone else told me that this lotion actually smelled wonderful. Now I smell like Raid! 


WTF. FAIL. 


Thanks to this woman's fantastic olfactory sense I will have to find something else to hide my poisonous addiction. Fucking great.  


I hate going out in the heat only to come back and smelling like sweat, it is a very distinguished kind of smell. I actually like smelling like a whore. I came to work smelling like a whore just the other day. What does a whore smell like you ask? Ummmm I don't know BUT I do know that I have smelled like one before.


My house smelled like ointment last night. Like an old folks home. Not a sexy smell at all. 


I remember when we were looking at houses. I was close to adding some more putrid liquids to the carpet that must have had every possible corner drenched with pee. It smelled strongly like dog and urine, mostly urine.  I am feeling sick thinking about this. Lets move on. 

I am trying to talk my friend into smelling like "Horny Slut" but we cannot find the combination to create this scent...only if I had Paris Hilton's number...


We need to create a line of perfumes and perhaps colognes with great names like: 


"Shy but wanna do tha nasty" - This, I would obviously be using alot of
"Slut" - For those college floozies  
"Horny Housewife" - Because there are plenty
"Douchebag" - Wait there is already a scent that goes by Ed Hardy, let me rethink this one
"Do Me Already" - This would be one of those scents that you will be on the prowl for, this would be female version of Aqua Di Gio..mmmm. 
"Asshole" - This would be the equivalent to Ed Hardy but you would smell more of an asshole
"Bitch" - This would be perfect for those menstrual days...know what im sayin
"Tramp" - For the nights you go out to Scottsdale or the Westside
"Cougar" - For the older ladies on the prowl
"Dick" - This would obviously be a cologne and you would smell like most of my ex-boyfriends


There are plenty name that would be used for my future line. 


Bad names and scents:


"Crackhead" - I have smelled one before and this is not at all pretty
"Dotted Indian" - No offence but this would smell like you showered in pure curry
"Foreigner" - Smell like you are all natural (emphasis on natural) 
"Shit" - Who likes to smell like shit? Shit stinks. I hate the smell of shit. 
"Wasted" - Most likely smell like a combination of cheap perfume, cigarettes and puke. 


You get the fucking point. 
P.S. - Don't go stealing my genius idea for perfumes/colognes. Ill find you. And tase you. 


SO who wants to smell like "whore" this weekend? 







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