Highway Hell & Breaking up

You think this is going to be a post about my ride into work don't you? 


Fuck...you guys think you know me that well? JESUS!


No I am not talking about the ride to work...all though funny story this weekend while taking the demon children to the aquarium. I was speeding on the freeway just as everyone was. I just got out of the HOV lane because some road raging biatch in a Cavalier was behind me so I decided to let her menstrual ass pass so I got into the next lane over....HUGE MISTAKE.
First thing I noticed was the giant ass mattress that lay in my lane. Waiting for some sleeping beauty to go lay on it. Or not. It was just laying there. 
Must of fell off some honky tonk who didn't know how to tie shit down to their vehicle. What.the.fuck? 
I thought "OH SHIT...IMMA BOUT TO RUN THIS MOTHERFUCKING MATTRESS OVER!!!" Then freaked out a bit because my car is tiny as fuck, I then thought the mattress was going to run us over!!!
Of course I was going too fast to swerve and get into the other lanes so I braced myself.


Mattress v. Rox...... head to head....about to shred it out...
I was going to run over that fucking bedding with my little piece of shit car. 

Then at the last possible moment the motherfucker comes flying up and makes a beeline towards us in s-l-o-w motion, its springs grinded against my car like it wanted to hump my metal baby, slightly cracking my windshield then bounced off and hitting a Prius in the HOV lane. 


Jesus Christ. 


A mattress on the freeway almost fucking killed me and my family.  


Now I have this big crack in my windshield. Thank you road hazard. 
Now I can cross off #46- Always wanted to get hit by a mattress while going 75 on a freeway, off of my life's list. 


Enough about my almost death experience. 
That would have been a great headline though "Mother of 2 killed by flying mattress on Freeway", could have been worse it could have been a futon or a Mexican. 


This post is about that one time Derek thought I left him.
Little did he know what day it was. 
Monday?
Yes Monday but that is not what that meant. 
Just keep reading. 


I got up for work yesterday morning like a regular normal person does every weekday. 
Got my shit together then left for work. 
Halfway to work realize several things amiss. 
Then thought maybe this was a good thing. I hate having all kinds of shit bogging me down. 
I forgot my engagement ring on the bathroom counter, my cell phone, Benedict (Kindle), and my lunch. ALL OF IT.


You might be wondering how the fuck I just forget about all of this shit and I will tell you the truth.
My mental health is deteriorating and I am losing my god damned mind!! or for those less inclined to think I am crazy, I just forgot.  
I logged into my computer at work and about an hour sitting on my ass catching up on my subscribed blogs, I get a IM from Derek.
Apparently if I don't wear my ring every fucking day then I am leaving him. 

Had to put him in his place. 
Who the hell doesn't know about "Leave your Shit at Home" day? I suggest all you people do it.


Miss me? No asshole you would have gone ape-shit fucking crazy and would have tracked me down after your tequila induced pity party. 
I know how this break-up shit works. 
Guys tend to go insane without their counterparts. 
Derek would be a lost boy without me. Who would buy him clothes? Who would tell him to shower because he smells like a homeward bound hippy? Who would trim his nails? Who would scratch his back at night? Who would bring me lunch? Who would make sure I had dinner?
If I was leaving I definitely would have not left my 50 pairs of shoes with him, don't be fucking stupid. Or my kids. Maybe just one of them though.