Oh Mother

I found this suit case filled with pictures of my childhood.


I don't even know where to begin. 
I have decided to write a letter to my mother. I will print out and hand it to her. (Don't worry, she doesn't have glasses, so her bad vision wont be able to distinguish between fuck and frock.)


Dear 80's, 90's Mother,


Why did you feel the need to afflict us children with the dreaded clothes we wore? How come my hair was never brushed? Was it because that shit was always tangled in masses of curls? If that was the case why didn't you put conditioner in it? I found that if you throw a bunch of conditioner in my hair, let it settle for about 4 minutes, wash, it is like silk.




Where the fuck did you find that ugly ass sweater at? Sweater Mart? 

Ok so the jeans were in style at least. Right? 
I fucking hope so! 
Jesus, look at the antenna that is bigger than out tv. Did people not use wire hangers to fix that shit back then? Guess not. 

Jesus..... I look like a cute clown here. See puffy hair? FUCK! Did they have frizz reducers in store? If they did how come you didn't have any for yours and my out-of-control fluffy hair?
Mother, Why did you not supply us kids with bad ass shoes? Did I ever ask for shoes? You must have not been into having your offspring be the cool kids, because I never was, probably for the lack of cool shoes. THANKS a lot. 

Look at my feet mother! Those shoes were busted and dirty. Come on!!! 
Thanks for the great remembrance of the person I used to be. You have lead me to a better path for my kids. I will swear they have some bad-ass shoes as to become fellow cool people at school and the community. All though I cannot speak for the yellow rain boots that Baby D refuses to leave the house without wearing. 

Mom, thank you for the mismatched clothing. Please tell me that I picked this out myself because I was a 'big girl' and wanted to do it myself and you didn't grab whatever was around and threw it on me? PLEASE. 
Regardless of the way you dressed us children, I would like to say you stayed very fashionable back then. Bravo for staying up to date with all of your attire. Hallelujah, with your padded shoulders dresses and poofy hair and giant earrings. 
Why did you throw those humongous earrings out? They would have worked with my outfits of late. That's all mom, thanks for making my childhood a lonely one. 


*Sidenote - I didn't forget about about my Vlog for the award.ThanksKosher. Stay tuned for that.

Hypochondriac

I am a parent of 2 children. 
If I screwed it up the first time at least I have another chance to redeem myself.


Well that is until grandparents step in.
Hypochondriac freaks.

Every little bite, cut, vomiting, constipation or anything that is "out of the norm" for them, they think that my babies have some life threating conditions.


A mosquito bite: "That looks infected lets spray Baby D down with this anti-bug medication just in case he keeps getting bitten. If the bite gets worse take him to the clinic."


Constipation: "I am so worried about him, I researched online and talked to the pharmacist and they said to get this stuff that helps. Or take him to the clinic." 


Rash: "I think that is some kind of flesh eating bacteria you need to take him to the hospital. "


Crying being a brat: "Oh my god there is something terribly wrong here. I am going to call the ambulance to come check him out. "


It never fucking ends. 


For everything they want to take Baby D to the hospital or clinic. 


Of course they don't know that mosquito bites just need a bit of TLC. Constipation, just keep off the naners for a bit, Rashes come and go and him crying is because he is not getting what he wants. 


Sheesh. 


I swear people drive me crazy when they think they know what is best for my kids. Quit freaking out man! 


It's just a cold not a disease! 


It is sooo funny because I think they look for signs of anything and everything. 
They (grandparents) watch way to much medical shows. Mystery diagnosis seems to be a favorite. 
Shit on crazy medical conditions or parasites in intestines or any other weird goings on.
I'm not kidding. When we go visit them there is something like "I didn't know I was pregnant" or something like it on. Damn you medical television! 


"What is that? Is Baby D scratching his head? It must be psoriasis or some skin disorder. Take him to the doctor!" 


It's out of control. 


I got an email the other day saying that grun is going to send $$ for me to buy some medication for my son who does not like to shit in the toilet. I don't see how medication is going to help him poo in the loo. But apparently medications cure all. A fact that I was unaware of. 


I was thinking it would be funny to get grun "The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have" by Dennis DiClaudio, but then it wouldn't be so funny for her to be using it on my kids. 


Derek thinks that I am a hypocon too. Only because I refuse to touch any surface of a escalator or stairwell I rather fall and tumble down. They are sick. I don't care if you think they are safe. Fuck that, people are nasty. They touch parts of their bodies and touch the railings afterward all of the time. While I know there are germs everywhere lurking waiting for me to be vulnerable I don't really care about those ones. Just about the railings, the sick, sick railings. Ewww. 


When we went to NYC I was so grossed out about touching everything in the subway. Even though I was a trooper and you couldn't tell, inside I was dying. 


2 days ago in the mail there was a letter from Grun addressed to me and D...
*Queue scary music*
I open it up thinking it was a letter from her concerning our son who hates the shit monster that creeps out his bum. 
WELL... It was a print out of some constipation issues from some internet site. She jotted down notes on these 4 pages of info she so kindly provided us with. JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR! REALLY? She is terribly worried that it could be something more horrific and we are causing our son pain. No I didn't read it all. Derek said to toss it. So I did. 


If she had it her way I am almost positive that the hospital would have a private room set up just for my kids for every time Grun felt uneasy about her self diagnosis. Doctor's would know us by name. Insanity.  


I think the internet is no place for old or crazy people. Can I get an AMEN TO THAT? 


Damn crazies. 

Patron

So as you know from my post from not so long ago, Patron that sneaky little bastard wanted to hang out again. 


Being it was a 3 day weekend I thought oh hell why not? So I went to the store and picked his ass up. 


It was me and Patron for the weekend. 

Of course Derek wanted to go to Ajo. For those of you who don't know where or what this place is let me just say that it blows. Big time. It is located about an hour and a half outside Phoenix. I only went because I heard that there was going to be some hard core dranking amongst friends and you know I can't pass that shit up. 


Off we went to Ajo. 
Got to our destination. Party was started.
I started off with a light beer. (I need to watch my weight) Then another light beer. A friend there had a ice chest full of these Alabama Slam-ma shots (not to bad) and Four Loko's in all sorts of flavors. Oh my! 


This guy was trying to give me the third degree of how smashed I would get after drinking the 12% alcohol content of Four Loko after drinking those beers. HAHA *eye roll Little did he know. 
I soon forgot about my amigo, but out came Patron to play. A shot down I was feeling great!  


So great in fact that I started hearing things that should have not been heard. Maybe I shouldn't post this. 
Oh what the hell.....
There I was in my drunken state, feeling fantastic making drunk calls to my friends. Talking about drunk matters. When I head back to the crowd. There's lots of laughing going on and all of the sudden I hear a slurred "Ever had a threesome?" I see from the corner of my eye who it is and am in shock. We will keep this person anonymous for safety reasons. 


I stand there like a tard acting like I did not hear this. Yes Rox, it was your imagination. HAHA Yeah right I am not that creative! 


This ménage à trois comment was then followed by a "I wanna fuck you"
........
...
..
....
..
..
Whaaaattttt? 


Trying hard to concentrate to find an escape I quickly down my beer and head out to 'use the potty'. Quickly to save face I do not go near Derek until I knew it was safe. I then whisper to him what was said and he gives me his "Are you on crack?" look. 
No fuck face someone told me they want to do me and their other persons in the nasty way. 


Oh man, this just got weird. 
I want to say that even in my befuddled state there was no way in hell that the transaction this person was trying to conduct with me was going to happen. 


Really? What the hell was that about? 


Thankfully that was the end of that. 


We drank the night away and of course the night would have not been complete unless I injured myself in some way.


See this always without fail happens to me. I come home obliterated and next morning I have some sort of bruise, cut, bite or something that I did not have the night before.


Lucky me I got not only one but three cuts on my legs! WHOOO. Told ya. 
Stupid ice chest got in my way and reached out to cut me!  mother fucker. 
Now my poor legs will be forever scarred. 


I did not realize how drunk I got until I woke up a couple of hours after passing out and looking around and asking myself:

Who's room is this? 
Where the hell am I?
What the fuck?


Then remembering that I was in Ajo in Derek's grandma's spare room. 
Only then was I able to get some more shut eye. 


Silly Patron, he tried to pull a fast one on me. I am on to him. 
Next time I am getting him back. 
Again this weekend? 

Garb

After shoving in all of my excess weight into the trunk of my jeans, I check the mirror and change yet again. This is not working for me. I almost saw a cooch pooch there. 


FUCKING WHY CLOTHES DO YOU HAVE TO SHRINK WHEN I WASH THEN DRY YOU????


F-U-C-K!!!!!


Usual Night: Derek zips up that cute shirt I bought and with a quick glance says "That looks good, let's go" but fails to see the flab of flubber sticking out of my tight top. Again I look for something more appropriate and makes us later than later than usual. 


I fuckin hate looking at clothes on mannequins because that IS NOT HOW THEY LOOK ON PEOPLE, particularly me! This is very VERY stressful. This is why I change approximately 5 to 16 times a day to make sure that what I have on will not leave me in an uncomfortable sucking.it.in.every.fucking.minute.of.my.long.ass.day. 
I sometimes have that button from those semi-fitting pants imprinted on my belly. No Bueno. 
I love LOVE LOVE to shop. Sorry my dear family I do love you but let me be, with my shopping addiction to go shopping alone. No I do not need an assistant to hold my bags I can do that myself. I do not wish you to wait 45 minutes while I try on several articles of clothing. Trust me on this one. I become this strange, disturbed, frustrated maniac that no one needs to meet or see. I also become a sweaty mess in the dressing room. It is so gross. My hair becomes matted to my neck and my cheeks get flushed and it seems that I gain about 10 pounds upon entrance to the magical dressing rooms. Medium then becomes a extra small and does not want to go over the hips. Really Medium? I thought we had a plan you and I, No? You want to screw me over now? Fucking stretch, I know we can do it! I then give up after I know it will take a miracle to pry that shit off. 


Articles of clothing I cannot and should NEVER attempt to wear in public (or private for that matter): 

•  anything spandex
•  tight bras that make the lumps in my back look like extra tits < I have bought some before but this was when I wasn't in my right mind 
•  Ed Hardy - Come on! Need I say more? 
•  Anything that makes me look pregnant
•  Leggings (I'll tell you why in a moment)
•  Moo moo's
•  Those god awful floral shirts like the ones I had in 6th grade
•  Anything florescent 
•  Colored hot pants
•  Loin cloth 
• Mis-match anything
•  a frock ... wait what the fuck is a frock? 
•  Lip liner with frosted lipstick - this is not clothing but either way it should NEVER be worn

I'm sure there is a lot of shit that should not be put on my body as clothing but I will keep this list minimal. For now anyway. 


By god do not, I REPEAT for emphasis DO NOT wear those tight-suck-the-life-out-of-you leggings that look "oh so adorable" on my 8 year old but are not made for mommy's or fat people nor are they made in the non-sheer type that people think they are. 
I bought a pair of these thinking that sure I could pull that shit off anytime. 
Umm mistake.
After packing my bottom into these 'leggings' I twirl around my restroom mirror and low and behold...ASS. 
Everywhere.
All ova tha place. like nobodys bizness.  


If I had a tattoo on my ass I am pretty certain that all of the world would be able to see it, even the details. (Yes my ass tat would have plenty of details) And you do not want to get me started on the cameltoe situation.  
I hear people talking about epic fails. Well I would like to include this one to the list.
I tried these bad boys on and OK yeah they suck in fat like no otha BUT I did not expect for my chubbiness to roll them down every time I moved from my sucked in posture. Quit rolling down damn it!. Sitting down was out of the question. 
After this betrayal I extracted these fuckers off me and threw them in the deep of my closet.
Now they just sit underneath all of the clothes that stopped fitting me a kid ago.  


God damn clothes, just fit already! Let's stop playing this game and just be seduced by my body and fit like a normal ensemble should! 


Maybe I should just go shopping to cure this mad sickness called fuckmeclothesdoesntfit. 
Why isn't this sickness on WebMD or some shit? 
I know a lot of people it affects and they just need to know that shopping helps settle the madness. 


Why doesn't someone just buy me a new wardrobe already?


By-the-way, I wear a size 8 in shoes. 




 

The Importance of New Music

Always listen to new music. Music is the soundtrack to our lives. Many people resort to the time when we were happiest and only listen to music from that time period. For many that time was high school.
Going back and revisiting those memories by listening to the music of that time is fine. The trick is to not get stuck there.
Do not live in the past. LISTEN TO NEW MUSIC.
How can one make new memories when the old songs you are listening to only serve as a reminder of the past.
Listening to new music will allow you to create new memories for the life you are living now.
Listening to new music will enable you to have a youthful spirit.
The minute you are sitting there listening to nothing but oldies, is the moment you grow old and out of touch. Stay relevant. Expose yourself and open your mind to new and different kinds of music.
Music is the soundtrack to our lives.
The next time you take a trip, find a new artist to listen to for the duration of the trip.
Sometime in the near future, put that Cd on and revisit the good time you had on that trip.
But remember its only a trip. Don't stay there too long.
There is plenty more to see and do in the world, and plenty of new music to see and do it with.

Funky

The feet situation again.


When I am in a rush at 7:20 a.m to get into my car to drive the lovely hour in traffic to get to work I sometimes am absent minded of the shoes I toss on. 


The other day I grabbed a pair that was not a pair of heels. I thought my feet needed a break for once.
I grabbed a pair of flats. So comfy for me! 
Got my ass to work. Worked somewhat. 
I went outside to smoke, came back in. Sat on my ass.
So they got a little sweaty while I was outside. So what?!! 
Then the worst thing happened.  
I slipped my shoes slightly off so that my feet could breathe. 


Uhem...*slight cough. Oh shit. 
I smelled something tangy. Almost tasting it.
WTF? "Oh hell no, is that my feet?" I thought.

After a few minutes the stench got worse.


Oh my. 
The smell was getting to me. Now it smelled more pungent than before. 
No bueno. My smell sensory sense was going into overload. I started feeling sick. 
This was worse than my trailies of flatulence throughout the office. 


It was bad.OH MY GOD. IT REEKED. 
How come I didn't notice it before? 


I had people from the office at my desk and I was starting to worry about them detecting foul smelling feet.  
A brilliant idea hit me just then.  


I casually got up, looked around as soon as I could ran into the restroom.
Got a ton of paper towels laid them all over the bottom of the tall ass sink. 
Washed feet.
Yes, I said washed feet as in I took my shoes off, rolled up my pants, did some gymnastic tricks to reach the sink, turned on faucet, took some soap in napkin and washed/scoured vigorously then dried.
Then tried to get the toxic smell out of my shoes. But it wasn't that bad. hmm. 


I felt much better after. As soon as I could I was going to put some flip flops on when I got to my car. 


My feet were fresh and clean now. 
Shiiit. *fingers snapping


I was walking around like my shit didn't stink. Because technically it didn't. anymore. hahaha


I felt dandy after that. 
It was time for lunch. 


I walked into the kitchen and realized that, that smell was actually someones meal. 
not.my.feet.

Did I just scrub the shit out of my feet in the bathroom for nothing? 


fuck. 

Why I Hate People (Part 3)

I have Biology 100 this semester. 
I figured as any other retard would, that since it is a 100 class it is one of the easier classes. 
This is in fact false. It is hard unless you have the memory capacity of a slim new Apple.
What the fuck is all this about protein, iodine, starch, bullshit about? What the hell? 


To make matters worse. 
Hold on I am getting heated up thinking about what happened this last lab...OHHHH breathe, breathe, breathe. 
Ok, here is what happened.


Biology class is from 5:30 p.m.- 6:45 p.m. and lab from 7:00 p.m.-9:40 p.m. 


This is after working a full 8 hours bytheway. 
So I stroll into this class just in the nick of time.
Traffic is shitty going to this campus, finding parking is even shittier. 
I sit down and we start immediately on a paper due for discussion in my pod.
We discuss. While discussing my neighbor thought it would be ok to talk about some other bullshit that no one really cared about. I got a little, just a little irritated. 


After an early break we went back to lab so we can hurry and get out of class early. 
I got paired up with my neighbor who I will call "Asshole" for now, so we start on our lab. 
NEVER FUCKING AGAIN. 
Let me just say that he was the dumbest asshole I have ever partnered up with in school. 


Asshole kept on talking and talking and talking and trying to be cute. I don't know if he thought his joking was funny. It was not.
This is when 'tha bitch' in me came out. I just wanted to get the shit done so I could make it home by 8:40. THATS ALL I WANTED IN LIFE AT THAT MOMENT. THATS ALL!
I looked at him with my killer vampire glare after he said with a goofy ass voice "I know I can sometimes be obnoxious" giggle, giggle .... Really muthafucka?
My reply was "Yeah, reallly?" Seeping with sarcasm. 
"I am used to being around older people, you know ADULTS." Big smile. 
He looks at me like "What did you just say bitch?" while his nasty thick untrimmed nose hairs threatened to jump out and sucker punch me.
I couldn't stand to look at him any longer. 
Just shut the fuck up and work fool! 
My fist wanted to punch him soo bad, they ached. 
He sat around for a whole 10 minutes doing nothing while I was doing the work and this is what led us to stay 20 minutes after everyone left class. Every single person except for the instructor, everyone. 
I don't know why he was so upset to stay after, he was the one sitting on his ass doing a whole lot of nothing. 
Asshole kept on huffing and puffing because of his obliviousness to his inability to pay attention to detail kept on evading him. 


10 minutes after everyone left no longer was I 'just a little irritated' I was full-blown infuriated.


15 minutes after everyone left I was infuriated and about to have a mental breakdown or go postal. OHMYGOD!


20 minutes after everyone left I was ready to follow asshole out of class and beat his ass to a pulp. 


Unfortunately for me, I suck. I was left alone with the instructor and the dirty vials that he so kindly left for me to wash. motherfuckingfuckingfuck! 


FUCKING DICK HEAD. 


This is only week 2. 


I SWEAR IF HE FUCKING LOOKS, GLANCES, PEEKS, PEERS, EYEBALLS or even CONTEMPLATES LOOKING AT ME I WILL cut off my pubes and stick them in the middle of a piece of gum;(I gave him a piece last night) re-wrap that shit and happily give it to him to chew and when he says "There's a hair in my gum" I will not laugh but be humbly surprised and say "Hey man that looks like a pube to me, you should call the gum company and see what that is about." 

Fucking asshole. 

This is why I hate people. 


*Update
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