Are You Working?

*I went to NYC this past weekend and though I would love to bore you with those details I thought this posting would be much more entertaining. Enjoy. I will bore you with my trip soon enough, there is some juice there but i'll save it for later. 


I used to work retail at a Music store namely Circles Records and Tapes. 
It was one of the best experiences ever. Maybe because I met Derek there or because the people..ohhh the people were very, very interesting.  
Anyway. There were some good times at that place. It is now closed. Forever. 

If you have read my story on the cursed skirt you would understand this crazy relationship I have with clothing. Certain pieces of clothing call for crazy discussions. 
Because I sure know how to pick'em! 


While working at Circles I had this pair of white pants (I didn't realize they were a tad bit sheer than I originally thought) but they were cute nonetheless. 
Well, while wearing said pants on this day I went outside for my 15 minute break to smoke. (Nasty I know, no need to tell me as I hear it too often) 
Everyone in the store utilized that area as a break/rest area for their breaks so it was known for us to sit there and smoke. 

So there I was sitting outside alone, relaxing, killing my lungs when along passes a fella on a bike.
Just rolls right past me and does a quick glance.  I didn't think to much of it until out of my peripheral vision I see him stop, then his legs start moving his bike back towards me. 


He stops looks at me and says "Are you working?" 
I think to myself "Yeah, but there are others that can help you inside, can't you see that I am busy!" 
But I just reply with a "Yeah"
He keeps staring at me then says "Is there a place around here we can go?, I know I am on a bike but....." then leaves it up to me to fill it in. 
I look around stupefied....like huh?
"Ahem...excuse me?" I say
He looks around the area and says "Can we go somewhere around close by?, I just need to go get some money." 
Again I don't know what the fuck he is talking about "Excuse me, what are you talking about?" 
Him "I thought you said you were working?"
Me "I am! I work here (pointing behind me) and I am on my break" 
Him "OOHHH. I'm sorry I thought that you were working"


Let me explain.
This guy thought that because I was outside in my white semi-sheer pants and regular t-shirt that I was strutting my stuff enough to be a prostitute. What a fucking douche. I mean I was fully clothed! Come on PANTS for crying out loud and a t-shirt..there was no short skirt nor was I wearing fuck-me-boots or glitter sandals I was wearing Sketcher shoes (the chunky ones) what the hell was I thinking with those shoes? Don't know but trust me they did not scream hooker, tramp, escort or call girl. 

This dude just tried to pick me up ....on his bike!
For a round of hanky panky!
What the fuck is this? 
We got street people in the store ALL of the time, they smelled like shit, talked a whole lot of nonsense, but mostly they didn't harass us (that was mostly).


Then we have this dipshit who:
1) Does not have a vehicle transport to pick up a whore
2) Did not think out the money situation throughly  
3) Believed that little ol' me was someone who gave up the goods for some money


Sheesh. 


No way in hell was that man gonna get some from anyone especially from me.

One he needed to give those rusty ass lines some work and juice it up with something a little more approach worthy or again make the mistake of asking a person who has a 'real' job instead. 
Two he needed a car. 
Three he needed to go to an area known to have these streetwalkers I should have pointed the way and he could have taken his bike riding ass the additional 10 miles to that destination.


Why do I associate these white semi-sheer pants to this story? Because I think this was the reason he stopped in the first place. 


After this little incident my then-boyfriend demanded I not wear them anymore as I had an assortment of colorful undergarments. And even though they were thongs I didn't think that people would actually be able to see my epidermis. I guess I thought flesh wasn't a color. Boy was I wrong. 

I Am How Old?

We had a jug of the cheap wine I love so much called "Lambrusco" you can find it at your local food market for about $6.99 a bottle. More for the bigger one like mine:

                                          Yes I drank half of this bad boy.


This jug of mine had been sitting in the fridge for a few weeks now and being it was a Saturday night and I have absolutly no life I decided to polish the jug off.
While polishing said wine with the biggest wine glass I had, I sat in my backyard looking at the bright ass moon in the nice weather...Why? Because I had nothing better to do I said!
I would have actually have gone to Bevmo and gotten a better bottle of some other favorite red wine, but since this was already home I figured to hell with it I might as well finish it off.


While searching my soul for some goodness (I never found) for some reason my thoughts turned to age.
I questioned myself while I was in tipsy mode "How old am I again?" ...
I sat there in confusion for a few minutes trying to remember how old I was.
Perturbed, I grabbed my phone pulled up the calculator and punched in 1985-2010=25...
Whoa! That must be wrong I thought. So I did it again 1985-2010=25
Hmmm...This piece of shit calculator must be playing some sick ass joke... I could have sworn that I was 23 going on 24.
Okay, one more time 1985-2010=25...
I am how old calculator? 24 you say??..... LIES!!! ALL LIES!!! 
FUCKEN FALSE I tell ya!
Bewildered I got up, went inside and asked Derek how old I was. He gave me the are-you-fucking-crazy look. Then says while laughing "Your going to be 25 why?"
Ohhh shit. I don't even know what age I have been telling people I am if I don't know how old I am myself.
This is bullshit.


Half way out of my twenties? .. Oh man.
How come I don't remember 23 or 24? This is what happens when you got so much going on, you forget how old you are.


Shit. Maybe this is an early indicator that I will have Alzheimer's at like 40 or something.
Fuck you age. My car insurance has gone up about 10 bucks, there is no upside to getting older!
Acting my age is out of the question also.


Let me share a not-so-funny story with you all that has forever me about the whole age phenomena.

*Sidenote-Growing up I wished that I was adopted because I didn't feel like I belonged to my family (still feel that way) and I hoped that someday my real family would come knocking on the door and take me away to a familiar home with people I could relate to.


Growing up you think what your mom and/or dad say is right. Right?
That being said my mom, for the most part gave me birthday parties when I was younger.
Every year another party. I would tell everyone when my birthday was in hopes that they would lavish me with gifts.
When my oldest sister got married I learned that my brother-in-law and I shared birthdays. It was hard not to know when his birthday was as it was mine too! GO September 23rd!
Then my 16th birthday approached.
My 'real' family didn't look for me or even attempt to find me, or so I told myself this.
My birthday came and went. Nothing. No birthday party either. Not even a fucking birthday card! NO birthday wishes. Nothing!
A month later my older sister got a birthday party and even got to wear one of my new shirts that I had just got for myself.
WTF? Oh hell nahhh.
This was when I got the brilliant idea to find my birth certificate and see who my 'real' parents were.
So there I was, while mother was out digging through all of her shit hoping that I did not come across any dirty pictures or sex toys.
There it was like a shiny gold piece waiting for me to read and go out into the world and find those people I resemble.
I open her up and read that my mom is in fact my mom. Disappointment seeped and I fought the tears.
Then...flabbergasted I see that for 16 years my mom and everyone else has been celebrating someone else's birthday, not mine. My mom told me that my birthday was on September 23rd...FOR 16 FUCKING YEARS! When in fact my birthday was September 21st. Bullshit.
Talk about disappointment, my family didnt know my real birthday and they were my real family. Ugh.
You say oh that's not bad it's only a couple of days apart...WELL
Difference is they are two different days fuckhead!


So yeah fuck you birthday and you too age, you can go to hell in a hand basket.

Blackout

I went to happy hour for a beer (or two) last week and as soon as I sat down someone asked me "What is your best drunk (throw-up) moment?"..

To this I gave the most shittiest moment when in fact later on I should have told them about the time I went to the river floating on a tube and try to outdrink a notoriously known jewish drunk.

It was as bad as it sounds. 

Heat+Vodka w/Gatorade+River floating= best Blackout ever! (and the only blackout of my life)

The above picture is not me and friends but merely a picture of what it is like floating, getting burned at the Salt River Recreation.

I just remember drinking that vodkarade in the last leg of the river like it was water for my soul, joking around, floating about, getting tired, experiencing dizziness, feeling sick then looking into my tube and throwing up all over myself. I tried to do it as sneakily as possible with no witnesses. Not sure that worked out. I figured hell, the water will wash it off anyway.

Next thing I know I wake up in my bed. 

What the hell?

What the fuck happened to the rest of my trip?!!!

Not sure. This pisses me off because this could have been one of those stories where shit gets worse and worse and I remember some fragments enough to talk about them later.

No such thing here all I have is drinking, having fun then throwing up and waking up in bed.

Next day of course was the worst hangover ever, I don't even know if you would consider it a hangover if I was still drunk. Ugh. Definitely a I-will-never-drink-again-in-my-life moments. 

Of course when I wake up I freak out because I don't know how the hell I got there or why my legs felt scraped up. I got up and wobbled into the restroom hurting like hell. When I looked down expecting for my shins to be bloodied and scraped I laugh because they are only severely sunburned. Like a hotdog with only  one side burnt, bloated up dog that has been on the burner for a while without supervision, only the tops of my shins were dark and the rest of my legs were darkened ever so slightly.

This prompted me to give some other memorable fragments of other drunken moments in my life.

Enjoy!

1.   Threw up in the bathroom toilet while trying to hover so that I wouldn't touch anything in the strip club bathroom, god knows what kind of shit gets left behind. Ahh was a good birthday..

2.  Thinking my mom's room was the toilet and almost peed on the carpet, Thankfully my sister saved me from this.

3.   Got punched in the face by a gay black man...let's talk about this some other time

4.   Threw up all the sushi I ate in the bathroom sink because I thought it was only a little bit of puke when in fact I filled up the sink, then clogged it up with big chunks of raw fish and rice. Apparently I don't chew my food instead I prefer to swallow it whole. 

5.   Fractured my toe on the tub trying to get in the shower because I thought I was filthy and needed a shower. I had to wear a boot for a few weeks. 

6.   Got mad and yelled at Phil because he didn't want to look at my nipple. Why Phil? 

7.   Thew up in friends front yard then passed out and woke up to find a naked man next to me...I was still fully clothed. (Naked man-Derek) 

8.   Punched Jenny's boobs-HIGH FIVE BITCHES! in: Ohhh San Diego 

There are more that I'm sure people will remind me of later.

So much for becoming a great writer I can't even come up with a great story when asked!

AND that is my best drunken forgotten moment yall.

Breakdown #1

My final for my "math for dummies" class was this last week and if you know me you know I suck at math.
Derek being a genius that he is has been helping me.
When I say Derek is a genius I mean he came from a small town (a very small town) and that is what everyone knows him by is 'the smart guy'.

Anyway about this breakdown. It was not a manic episode (as I am not manic anyway), panting like a wildcat, anxiety attack, finding out my sister slept with a old boyfriend (totally not true as I would rip out her eyelashes piece by piece), breaking my phone, losing my only set of car keys kind of breakdown. This was an illusive one. Totally misleading to my character.

By the way before I continue let me say that I was terribly sick all of last week so please keep in mind that a) I was feeling like shit b) I had the beginnings of the curse and was WAY bloated like a whale and c) I had to cram for the final which was the next day.

So there we were sitting at the kitchen table with papers filled with algebraic equations tossed everywhere.
I had a review sheet of all of the types of problems that were going to be on the final and that is what we were reviewing. Derek starts writing a problem and I can't figure it out. As I do not read or speak gibberish.

REALLY???? This is bullshit. Yeah because some day I might run into a sign that has 5a +5b and in order for me to save the world I will have to hurry and solve the equation. Right. 
Anyway so I had a similar problem and unfortunatly I didn't know where to start or how to even begin. So I start raising my voice (just a little) for him to do it and I will watch and hopefully catch on.
Derek did not agree with this method.
He wanted me to take the reins and do it while he helped me along. Well feeling like shit I was getting a tad irritated because I didn't know the next step. So again I impatiently tell him to do it and I will follow.
He says "No". I say "YES!" He says "You can't learn that way, you have to do it yourself"...
Ahem... Me: "Whattttt?" (while staring at him in my did-you-really-just-tell-me-that look)
At this point I don't know what overcame me but got sooo frustrated, angry, disappointed, depressed and still felt like shit....I was going to blow.
I looked at the scrap of paper at the problem and again I say "I can't doooo thisssss"
Then I felt the tears coming on.

Instead of working through it, I did something I have not done in a long, long time.
I threw a fit. A bad fit. I had reached my FUCK YOU WORLD threshold and grew uneasy.
I grabbed my math book and the papers laying on it and shoved them with all my might off of the table along with the rest of whatever the fuck was on the table. Papers flew everywhere, and I ran away like a little scared damsel. That math problem was my nightmare...an ugly, ugly, disturbing nightmare.
I ran through my bedroom, slammed the door (very dramatically I may add), crossed into the bathroom crawled into my closet and sat against the door while crying, big hard sobs.
wtf?
I have no idea where this monster came from, but I did not like this bitch.
Pms? DAYUUM. Major problem.
I is crazy. Out-of-control!

Of course 15 minutes pass before I shot most of my snot into the first piece of clothing I could find and Derek comes knocking on the door.
By then I kicked the monsters ass and felt a little better.

I felt like a complete asshole.
After all Derek was just trying to help.

Fuck now I have to make it up with something or other.

The Lion King

Derek has been talking about getting The Lion King (LK) for 3 years now.

Saying shit like "We really need to get it" , "Baby D will love this movie", "This will distract the kids while we get it on", "I love that movie, so would Baby D"...and so on and so forth.

*Spoiler Alert/Side note*  - This is an awesome movie and if you didn't cry when Simba lost Mufasa then you are one weak ass bitch! I have never in my life wanted to kick a wild cat so bad, then there was Scar! Damn you Scar, you are one mean asshole. And don't you dare get me started on those barbarian hyenas. 

This brings me to pet peeve #20- Talking about doing something instead of shutting up and doing it.

Me: In bed the other night I got on my phone and with the magic-ness of the internet and my (was cool when it came out) phone click on my Amazon app, typed in Lion King, checked my options and with one click, guess what people? The Lion King is on it's way to my house! Hells yeah...Lion King party at my house! 
While browsing for the best priced LK, get this...they had VHS as an option to buy! HAHAHA
what? 
Who the fuck buy, sells or watches VHS movies? 
And you better say something like your grandma hasn't switched to the digital age yet, because if you are on the net there is no reason why you haven't upgraded to Dvd's or HD. (which is the only way to watch movies now-a-days) 
I don't even think stores carry these obsolete objects.  
Please do away with these bulky ass "tapes"! PLEASE! 

So there my fellow comrades another instance of getting shit done. No need to chit chat, just get it done!

My problem with these awesome Disney movies is that you can't just get out of bed and go to Target and get these movies right away if you wanted. You have to wait for the 'vault' to open and for a limited time get the movies that are hopefully not sold out before you stop procrastinating and finally get to a store near you.

WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS?

Was it you Walt? I outta kick your ass. I would to if you weren't frozen in your cryonic chamber.

(Yes I realize this is a myth, but let me think that someday Walt will be unfrozen and come up with more genius characters because people now a days are so unoriginal) 
Okay so you can go online and find them, BUT I have already stated my theory on becoming one of those people who gives my credit card number to some crack smoking fiend in Chicago in exchange for some boot leg version of the movie I wanted. I get nervous. I want my identity to stay with me and only me. 

One more problem with Disney, how come the popular Netflix doesn't have Pocahontas or The Little Mermaid when I want to watch it? This is bullshit! BULLSHIT I TELL YA!

Don't worry Netflix I still love you.

Artist in the Making

My little cha-cha daughter will be 8 this month.
Next week to be exact.
I always (without fail) get the HUH? wtf?... look when someone finds out my little baby faced self has a child that old.
The usual responses are:

• Really? How old were you? Answer to this is usually "Yes, really. I was young, still am."
• Is it weird to have a daughter that old? No I am used to it now. 
• Do you have any other kids? Yes (but thinking "What are you insinuating?")
• Does she stay with you? Umm yea

 I'm a pretty capable person. As I have mentioned before work full time, go to school part time,care for 2 (3 including my little sister) kids and a house, shiiiiiit. As I snap my fingers in a cross motion.

 My daughter happens to be very artistic. She is really good! When I see her art I am so proud that she makes up for her bad grades by using her artful skills to show the rest of the kids in her class that a bunny should not look like a pile of mashed potatoes but instead have fluffy fur, a cute tail and lots of detail.

I think that maybe her teacher (who looked waaaay to young to be be teaching) was questioning my profession with a certain picture my monster drew in class all though she never inquired about it.

What is this?? A hooker possibly getting picked up from the corner? A nice lady just waving at a limo because maybe, just maybe her favorite celebrity might be in there?
I really don't know what Monster was trying to say with this drawing. All I know is that this streetwalker sure loves her some fishnets and high heels. Gotta love that tiny waist.
Or maybe the lady was telling the car to stop because it was going to run into a giant wedding cake.....
Who knows?
This is not the first time I have seen streetwalkers in her drawings, she seems to have a knack for drawing fishnets and high heels.
I have tons of high heels but do not own any fishnets so I really don't know where that comes from.


What do you make of this?


After sifting through the many art pieces by monster (this is her nick-name by the way, just in case you thought  I was a nut job and actually named my daughter that) I realized that she has tons of drawings that can be interpreted in different ways.


I have officially decided to dedicate a whole page to her creative masterpieces. I will be posting weekly or so a picture and you can translate it how you please.
Please look forward to a page filled with imagination!


P.S. I have been sick and need me some picker upper on my blog, thanks Monster momma loves you, even though I found those two earrings that you shop lifted while you were with me and I didnt find out until I started cleaning your room and then you lied to me about where you got them and cried even though I didn't punish you. I have finally found the solution since I don't know what store you got them from and I can't force you to take them back and apologize if I don't know what store they came from SO for a whole day you will wear a sandwich board which reads: I STOLE 2 PAIRS OF EARRINGS, THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT. Love you honey. Smiles and kisses.

And that folks is how I handle shit at home! Sandwich boards are going to be all the rage with punishing kids just mark my words! HAHAHAHA

Baby Daddy

Whoever said that baby momma "drama" is only excluded to the momma? 
I make shit simple, baby daddy on the other hand is a total mess. 
Here is a case in point.
Problem (well not really a problem until BD created one) - Derek wanted to take the kids to the water park, while I was at work.
Solution - Derek picks up monster and goes to water park with both children. 


Simple right? 
No. 
It was not simple.
Since my baby daddy does not have a phone (or a job for that matter) we have to instant message. 
Do you know how hard it is to get your point across without tones usage? You only have this or THIS and sometimes THIS is only supposed to mean THIS but for some reason they treat it like THIS or something like that. Anyway.
Here is how our complicated matter went.


Me:

Can you get Monster ready to go swimming and put an extra pair of clothes with her Derek is going to get her in a few
(After several minutes pass by) 

HELLO????

Fatherofsaidchild:

yeah thats fine..where is Monster going??

Me:

Water park with Derek, Peter, Kids and her baby brother.

I am working but Derek is going with his friends and his kids, Monster knows them.

Fatherofsaidchild:

She wants to know if your going? whats peter kids??

Me:

Im not I have to work. Peter, Rebecca, pj, Madison and Casey are Peters kids.

Sorry Rebecca is Peter's wife not kid.

Fatherofsaidchild:

Idk i kinda feel uncomfortable with Monster going to the water park cuz she doesnt know how to swim yet...

Me:

She will be fine. Derek will be with them the whole time.

Fatherofsaidchild:

Are you meeting up with Monster later or you'll see her when you go home?

Me:

Ill see her when she gets home from the waterpark, I have finals next week I have to study for.

Fatherofsaidchild:

What time will she be home(your house)

Me:

Don't worry Baby D does not know how to swim either.

I dont know why do you ask me questions I cant possibly know?

Fatherofsaidchild:

Becuz i am her father and i need to know everything when it comes to her..

Im over protective with her, will she be fed?

Me:

I assume Derek might feed her, he doesnt like to starve the children. I know you are her father I am VERY aware of that unfortunate information. You need not to worry Derek is one of the most capable men I have ever met.

Fatherofsaidchild:

I would feel alot better knowing you are going to be with genavive at the park.

Me:

If you have $25 you can go to if you are so worried. Up to you im sure Derek wont mind you tagging along.

Fatherofsaidchild:

If im going to do that id rather go with her alone.

Me:

Then quit asking I told you 1) I am not going I have a job 2) If you are worried then go yourself ...There is nothing else to say other than get my daughter ready so that my capable hubby can get her. (How nice is Derek thinking about her when he didnt have to take her in the first place, just saying)

See how fucking hard was that baby daddy? Shit.
I swear that man knows how to push my buttons.
I was messaging utilizing two of my messengers.
This was to my honey while communicating with baby Daddy:

me: He said he is uncomfortable because she doesnt know how to swim.
derek: neither does baby D
me: No shit?
derek: You tell him that there is a playground area that they will most likely be and that they are required to wear floaties in the pool
derek: Tel him he can go to. 25 bucks though

derek: So do i take her? If hes so concerned?
me: take her, he is just being a little bitch.
I outta punch him in his vagina!
AND this is not about his feelings, I sure don't give a shit..Monster will have a great time I am sure.

Sweet baby Jesus. Ugh. What a pain. Not only do I have to control my urge to curse up a storm via Yahoo messenger, I have to translate his poor grammar into English. You know what they say about Virgo's, and its true for the most part. Oh the thing they say is that Virgo's are perfectionists. HOT DAMN! 
   
A THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF MY DAUGHTER AND TAKING HER TO THE WATERPARK would have been swell.
I must ask for way to much sometimes!