I Am How Old?

We had a jug of the cheap wine I love so much called "Lambrusco" you can find it at your local food market for about $6.99 a bottle. More for the bigger one like mine:

                                          Yes I drank half of this bad boy.


This jug of mine had been sitting in the fridge for a few weeks now and being it was a Saturday night and I have absolutly no life I decided to polish the jug off.
While polishing said wine with the biggest wine glass I had, I sat in my backyard looking at the bright ass moon in the nice weather...Why? Because I had nothing better to do I said!
I would have actually have gone to Bevmo and gotten a better bottle of some other favorite red wine, but since this was already home I figured to hell with it I might as well finish it off.


While searching my soul for some goodness (I never found) for some reason my thoughts turned to age.
I questioned myself while I was in tipsy mode "How old am I again?" ...
I sat there in confusion for a few minutes trying to remember how old I was.
Perturbed, I grabbed my phone pulled up the calculator and punched in 1985-2010=25...
Whoa! That must be wrong I thought. So I did it again 1985-2010=25
Hmmm...This piece of shit calculator must be playing some sick ass joke... I could have sworn that I was 23 going on 24.
Okay, one more time 1985-2010=25...
I am how old calculator? 24 you say??..... LIES!!! ALL LIES!!! 
FUCKEN FALSE I tell ya!
Bewildered I got up, went inside and asked Derek how old I was. He gave me the are-you-fucking-crazy look. Then says while laughing "Your going to be 25 why?"
Ohhh shit. I don't even know what age I have been telling people I am if I don't know how old I am myself.
This is bullshit.


Half way out of my twenties? .. Oh man.
How come I don't remember 23 or 24? This is what happens when you got so much going on, you forget how old you are.


Shit. Maybe this is an early indicator that I will have Alzheimer's at like 40 or something.
Fuck you age. My car insurance has gone up about 10 bucks, there is no upside to getting older!
Acting my age is out of the question also.


Let me share a not-so-funny story with you all that has forever me about the whole age phenomena.

*Sidenote-Growing up I wished that I was adopted because I didn't feel like I belonged to my family (still feel that way) and I hoped that someday my real family would come knocking on the door and take me away to a familiar home with people I could relate to.


Growing up you think what your mom and/or dad say is right. Right?
That being said my mom, for the most part gave me birthday parties when I was younger.
Every year another party. I would tell everyone when my birthday was in hopes that they would lavish me with gifts.
When my oldest sister got married I learned that my brother-in-law and I shared birthdays. It was hard not to know when his birthday was as it was mine too! GO September 23rd!
Then my 16th birthday approached.
My 'real' family didn't look for me or even attempt to find me, or so I told myself this.
My birthday came and went. Nothing. No birthday party either. Not even a fucking birthday card! NO birthday wishes. Nothing!
A month later my older sister got a birthday party and even got to wear one of my new shirts that I had just got for myself.
WTF? Oh hell nahhh.
This was when I got the brilliant idea to find my birth certificate and see who my 'real' parents were.
So there I was, while mother was out digging through all of her shit hoping that I did not come across any dirty pictures or sex toys.
There it was like a shiny gold piece waiting for me to read and go out into the world and find those people I resemble.
I open her up and read that my mom is in fact my mom. Disappointment seeped and I fought the tears.
Then...flabbergasted I see that for 16 years my mom and everyone else has been celebrating someone else's birthday, not mine. My mom told me that my birthday was on September 23rd...FOR 16 FUCKING YEARS! When in fact my birthday was September 21st. Bullshit.
Talk about disappointment, my family didnt know my real birthday and they were my real family. Ugh.
You say oh that's not bad it's only a couple of days apart...WELL
Difference is they are two different days fuckhead!


So yeah fuck you birthday and you too age, you can go to hell in a hand basket.