I Am Not Asian!

For some reason when Jenny and I go out there is usually someone that likes to argue that I am Asian. 

I really don't know why. I look Hispanic.  Well I think I look Mexican, guess most guys don't know shit.

Once there was a guy that was very determined in finding out my nationality/race for about 40 minutes...he did not shut the fuck up no matter how many times I told him I was Hispanic. 

Okay so I have small eyes. but really, 40 MINUTES??? I was over that shit after the first 5 times he said your Asian right? "No" Your Asian right? "No" Your Asian right? "No"  Your Asian right?... Your Asian right?...
Well if it will make you shut the fuck up I will be whatever you need me to be. 

Annoying.

So this weekend it was a long needed drink with ma bitch Jen to catch up on all the latest gossip. Off we went into the night with no plan other than ravaging more beers than necessary. Success was met but with interesting things that went on throughout the night.

Ill skip to the juice of the story.
We get to a destination not to far from home, I'm in my work getup (polka dot dress...no significance since it was my first time wearing it...funny huh, grown ass woman wearing a polka dot dress) we walk into a bar and sit in the heat for a half an hour. It sucked. The heat I mean. 2 beers down we decide that we have enough boob sweat to cool us off when we get inside the bar. We sit. I get hungry and order chips. We talk and all of the sudden Jen gives me one of her infamous ugh-fuck-you looks. She tells me that some asshole told her to take off her hat from across the bar. Bummer because that hat is kick ass. So she takes it off and gives me that puppy dog look that is so heartbreaking. At some point I try it on.

Me on the other hand was like "Who the fuck told you that?" she says "This black guy walking this way right now".. Douche walks over and says "Oh I was just kidding about taking off the hat" 

Great pickup line? I think not. That was super lame GI.

He sits down like he was invited and starts talking up a storm. He kept on saying that "I was supposed to be on the V.I.P. lists but they didn't put me on"...he must have repeated himself about 5 fucking times. I started getting sick of this son of a bitch right away. Who the fuck told him that it was okay to barge in on our lady party? 
By the way this fucker did not have any eyebrows...anyone, someone please explain??? 

He was a boring ass and obviously did not have any friends. I know this because he repeated that he was waiting for his friends and pretended to look around the bar to find them after looking at his watch. He said he was in the Marines and some other shit I didn't bother remembering because I was to busy stuffing my face with guacamole and chips. While Jen was texting (of course) he tried to be all smooth and put his nasty hand on my back and said "your soft"...ahem...Ewe! I gave Jen the look of death that was something like this

Okay..that is more of a vampire killer look, but you get the point. 

I told him I was soft because I was cushy. Then he repeats to put his hand on my back and says something about me working out... me working out? That is some funny shit. I need to get to a gym. My piss bag was full at this point and I decided to pull one on Jen and leave her for a few minutes while I emptied. I come back and we decide that we needed to ditch GI, so we told him we were leaving when in fact we just went to the other side of the bar. What a bunch of bitches right? haha. no. 
Outside was still a bit warmer than we would have liked it but it was that or sitting with a man who looked 10 years older than he said and had no eyebrows. While we were outside Jen told me he thought that I was Asian and was totally into me. Why do I have to be Asian again? 
STOP CALLING ME ASIAN! No offense to you smooth faced Asians, you are awesome, I am just not one of you. 
I might have puked a little in my mouth. This is weird because I never, NEVER get hit on unless the guy has severe beer goggles or is mildly retarded. Don't ask me why, you saw the pic. 


We enjoy the heat a little bit, ordered more beers (because I could still stand in my heels, meaning I did not have enough consumed) but I was getting giggly at everything said which was the path to success. 

These guys standing by our table decided to ask us to watch their drinks while they did ...who the fuck knows. So being a smart ass that I am I acted like I slipped in Rohypnol or what you call a roofie in their drink. It was funny. Only because they saw me do it. 


Of course I didn't put that odorless, colorless drug in their drink where the fuck would I get that from? And there is never a need to drug a man to take him home. That one is to easy. 


Well about this guy that was standing closer to me.
He was missing a tooth. What? You say? Yes, he was missing a tooth in the front of his mouth. 
I could not stop looking. Missing.A.Tooth.
This is a reproduction of where that tooth was missing but on Derek. 

Shallow you say? No, I was merely making an observation.

I mean it was very clear that he was missing a tooth from his front part of his mouth. So again I did what any inconsiderate bitch would have, I asked him how he lost his tooth. And when he told me some dude kicked  him I couldn't help but to laugh. 
Even better he pulls out these 2 old ass cell phones from YEARS AGO... they might as well been one of these:

                                                            Source

HAHA Seriously.
I then asked him "You don't have a girlfriend do you?" to this he replies "No"...
Awe, that's when I laughed a bit to much at him. Poor thing. Missing tooth, old phones AND he was cute. Well he would have been cute with that tooth intact, an updated phone and a neck shave AND if he had a real job. (NO A CAR WASH IS NOT A REAL JOB- I will not repeat this again because you are a fuck head if you think that will get you through life with this job) Its ok he had a lot to learn him and his wet behind the ears friend. These baby boys were like barely 21 or 22 or something like that. I'm sure they do not know the processes of getting laid yet. 


His name was Tim. Sorry Timmy I know you are out there probably cursing me out for using you, but that's what I do best. Use people for my diabolical stories. (also send me a picture of your smile - teeth showing before you fix it) We will do a before and after ;) 


I asked Tim when he was going to get his tooth fixed he said "next week" I asked if he was gonna get a veneer, he said no that he was going to use something else that was low-cost I don't remember what it was, like a tooth made out of compacted plastic bags or something equally cheaper. 


I tried to convince him he should opt for the veneer. I am not sure how convincing I was. I am crossing my fingers that he will get something that will look nice and upgrade those ancient cell phones...Tim I would ask you to text me that picture but seeing as your screens are only in two colors like the first Apple computer I assume they cant handle that complex request. 


How sweet was he though telling me I was funny. Maybe it was because I made fun of him and his tooth, who knows. Great sense of humor at least. I am so glad I did not get into a fight, because I don't like fighting in dresses its soo unclassy. 


While we were outside alot of people were preparing to leave, Jen goes to the ladies room and I am left outside with our roofie boys.
GI comes out of left field to me and looks PISSED!
He was like "I thought you guys said you were leaving" in an angry voice...Oh shit! 
Then he asks me if I wanted to dance...Umm "no".
He was like "Well if your not going to dance with me I am leaving"...BYE! 
I was right as usual because I called that shit. His 'friends' did not show up and he was NOT on the V.I.P. list. Douche. 


Jen reminded me next day that on our way back home I was asking about GI's eyebrows or lack thereof.
Then I proceeded to tell her the importance of eyebrows and eyelashes. I told her the purpose of these hairs are to keep the dust/sweat out of our eyes. I don't know why this was so important for her to know at 1:30 in the morning but now she knows.

There we have another adventure of the slut sisters  crazy ladies down, can't wait for the next one.